Lives I Should've Lived
I'm working at the law office. I'm glad, because I need the money, but I haven't gotten enough sleep this week. Hopefully I'll get a little more tonight.
I hate the military.
Don't get me wrong- I support the troops. VERY much. But I just don't agree with most anything involving the military or politics.
Well, that-- and, it's ruining my life.
Wudi has a contract with the National Guard. He gets off of active duty in 2008, then has two years of inactive until 2010. But he says that if he keeps with just that, he'll very likely be deployed. And he says if that happens, he and I can't stay together... at least not while he's gone. And he's right. But the problem is, the other option is that he join ROTC. Doing that, he can't be deployed while he's in college, and he'd become an officer and make more money. BUT-- he can be deployed later, and he has to stay in until 2013. 2013. I'm going to turn 30 in 2013. That's ten years of my life, controlled by the military. Ten pretty freaking important years- the decade I planned to get my degree, get my law degree, get married, start my career, and toward the end, possibly even have a kid... especially because if I am having a kid or two (and NO MORE EVER!!), I don't want them before 27, but I don't want to have them while I'm still pretty young-- a cutoff at about 31 or maximum 32. I know people have children much later, but I don't want to. How can I try to start my life and my family when I can never know if Wudi will suddenly be sent to the other side of the planet for a year or two? He said that if it were after we were married, it would be different, he would be able to trust me and be gone that long and stay together. But, hello?!?! Meanwhile, what the hell would I do? Forget kids... I couldn't have a child without the security of knowing that my husband is not going to have to leave me to be, basically, a single parent while trying to start a career in law.
I guess there's a possibility that he could get a contract saying that they can't deploy him and he'd have an office job. Which may be the very best option, but first of all, I have trouble believing he could get any kind of military contract that would guarantee he would not be sent to war and if he did, that it would be upheld in court if they tried to send him anyway-- there'd be loopholes everywhere; it's the goddamn military! Second of all, it's too long. 2013 is so long. 10 years is a long time at any age; particularly long when we're this young. He likes all the money he'd make, but he's going to make enough anyway, and I'm going to have a law degree... we can be plenty okay without this.
I hate this. This has so much power to control and manipulate my life, but I have absolutely no control over it. None. Whatever Wudi decides and whatever the military decides is what I get, whether it ruins my life or not. I just hate this. All I've ever wanted is security. All I've ever wanted is to get an education, a career, and get married. I've waited so long and I want so badly to be able to start my life. I've worked so fucking hard for so long, and I have so much more hard work ahead, because even if I manage to survive law school, I then have to start my career.
I just want to be able to start a life-- my life. But I feel so powerless, and I feel like this is how it's going to be for the next ten years, never knowing if or when or where, unable to move where we want...
I want a life. I want a decent, productive life in which I am married to a man that I love to death, have a job that I don't hate, enough money to not have to live paycheck to paycheck, a decent house and a decent car... I don't expect perfection. My life is forever imperfect by things that have already happened let alone what can- and some will- happen in the future. I just want something more stable than I've ever known.
But none of this is my decision. And I don't want to hold Wudi back... I just don't want him to hold me back, either. And something tells me that if he has to be deployed, sooner is better than later... it was "hard" when he left for four months a year and some ago. It'd be heartbreaking if he left now. But four, five, six years from now??? Could I even handle it? To spend that long with him, and then he's gone? I'm too dependent to be alone that long. I thrive off of love and attention. It's actually a fault of mine, but there are some personality traits that you can only control so much.
But I love him, and I still really believe that even if (god forbid) but even if I did love and/or marry someone else, I'd never love him the way I love Wudi. So I guess... I'll wait and see what happens. What else can I do?
After Wudi and I talked about all of this last night after he found out that signing up for ROTC would mean four more years, he left to go home to write a paper. I pushed him out a little bit... I felt bad but I was going to cry and I just... didn't want to start that whole thing, not to mention make him feel worse than he already does... there was no need for that, especially because it wasn't just the military stuff. I'd have never cried normally in that situation because I just usually don't.
But the (second) anniversary of my dad's death is really bothering me. I hadn't gotten super upset except when I broke down Sunday, but I can tell. I can tell by the way that since then I've had to be constantly busy. I've had a very productive week because of it, which was necessary and excellent, but I could tell in the way that I forced myself to immerse myself into the things I've been doing-- which allows me no room for thinking. And that's what works; that's what I wanted. But last night, after Wudi left, I sunk down on the floor and when I looked up I saw my scrapbook leaning against the wall. I opened it to the pictures of my dad and sat and cried for about ten minutes, until my roommate Jade came in and hugged me, and I cleaned myself up soon after and did an English paper and studied Soc.
I'm okay as long as I don't break under the pressure of finals being week after next and the anniversary a week from today and everything else... and I won't. I don't break, and when I do, I always put myself back together, even if it's piece by piece.
In other, better news, though, I'm going to Columbus to shop with my roommate Jade and her friend Stacy tonight... that's exciting! And I got pretty hair dye, the one that comes with highlights. I probably won't have time for that til hopefully tomorrow, but it'll be fun. I need a haircut but I have no idea when I'll have time for that; I may even wait til I'm in Athens next week.
Lunchtime, gotta go.
I hate the military.
Don't get me wrong- I support the troops. VERY much. But I just don't agree with most anything involving the military or politics.
Well, that-- and, it's ruining my life.
Wudi has a contract with the National Guard. He gets off of active duty in 2008, then has two years of inactive until 2010. But he says that if he keeps with just that, he'll very likely be deployed. And he says if that happens, he and I can't stay together... at least not while he's gone. And he's right. But the problem is, the other option is that he join ROTC. Doing that, he can't be deployed while he's in college, and he'd become an officer and make more money. BUT-- he can be deployed later, and he has to stay in until 2013. 2013. I'm going to turn 30 in 2013. That's ten years of my life, controlled by the military. Ten pretty freaking important years- the decade I planned to get my degree, get my law degree, get married, start my career, and toward the end, possibly even have a kid... especially because if I am having a kid or two (and NO MORE EVER!!), I don't want them before 27, but I don't want to have them while I'm still pretty young-- a cutoff at about 31 or maximum 32. I know people have children much later, but I don't want to. How can I try to start my life and my family when I can never know if Wudi will suddenly be sent to the other side of the planet for a year or two? He said that if it were after we were married, it would be different, he would be able to trust me and be gone that long and stay together. But, hello?!?! Meanwhile, what the hell would I do? Forget kids... I couldn't have a child without the security of knowing that my husband is not going to have to leave me to be, basically, a single parent while trying to start a career in law.
I guess there's a possibility that he could get a contract saying that they can't deploy him and he'd have an office job. Which may be the very best option, but first of all, I have trouble believing he could get any kind of military contract that would guarantee he would not be sent to war and if he did, that it would be upheld in court if they tried to send him anyway-- there'd be loopholes everywhere; it's the goddamn military! Second of all, it's too long. 2013 is so long. 10 years is a long time at any age; particularly long when we're this young. He likes all the money he'd make, but he's going to make enough anyway, and I'm going to have a law degree... we can be plenty okay without this.
I hate this. This has so much power to control and manipulate my life, but I have absolutely no control over it. None. Whatever Wudi decides and whatever the military decides is what I get, whether it ruins my life or not. I just hate this. All I've ever wanted is security. All I've ever wanted is to get an education, a career, and get married. I've waited so long and I want so badly to be able to start my life. I've worked so fucking hard for so long, and I have so much more hard work ahead, because even if I manage to survive law school, I then have to start my career.
I just want to be able to start a life-- my life. But I feel so powerless, and I feel like this is how it's going to be for the next ten years, never knowing if or when or where, unable to move where we want...
I want a life. I want a decent, productive life in which I am married to a man that I love to death, have a job that I don't hate, enough money to not have to live paycheck to paycheck, a decent house and a decent car... I don't expect perfection. My life is forever imperfect by things that have already happened let alone what can- and some will- happen in the future. I just want something more stable than I've ever known.
But none of this is my decision. And I don't want to hold Wudi back... I just don't want him to hold me back, either. And something tells me that if he has to be deployed, sooner is better than later... it was "hard" when he left for four months a year and some ago. It'd be heartbreaking if he left now. But four, five, six years from now??? Could I even handle it? To spend that long with him, and then he's gone? I'm too dependent to be alone that long. I thrive off of love and attention. It's actually a fault of mine, but there are some personality traits that you can only control so much.
But I love him, and I still really believe that even if (god forbid) but even if I did love and/or marry someone else, I'd never love him the way I love Wudi. So I guess... I'll wait and see what happens. What else can I do?
After Wudi and I talked about all of this last night after he found out that signing up for ROTC would mean four more years, he left to go home to write a paper. I pushed him out a little bit... I felt bad but I was going to cry and I just... didn't want to start that whole thing, not to mention make him feel worse than he already does... there was no need for that, especially because it wasn't just the military stuff. I'd have never cried normally in that situation because I just usually don't.
But the (second) anniversary of my dad's death is really bothering me. I hadn't gotten super upset except when I broke down Sunday, but I can tell. I can tell by the way that since then I've had to be constantly busy. I've had a very productive week because of it, which was necessary and excellent, but I could tell in the way that I forced myself to immerse myself into the things I've been doing-- which allows me no room for thinking. And that's what works; that's what I wanted. But last night, after Wudi left, I sunk down on the floor and when I looked up I saw my scrapbook leaning against the wall. I opened it to the pictures of my dad and sat and cried for about ten minutes, until my roommate Jade came in and hugged me, and I cleaned myself up soon after and did an English paper and studied Soc.
I'm okay as long as I don't break under the pressure of finals being week after next and the anniversary a week from today and everything else... and I won't. I don't break, and when I do, I always put myself back together, even if it's piece by piece.
In other, better news, though, I'm going to Columbus to shop with my roommate Jade and her friend Stacy tonight... that's exciting! And I got pretty hair dye, the one that comes with highlights. I probably won't have time for that til hopefully tomorrow, but it'll be fun. I need a haircut but I have no idea when I'll have time for that; I may even wait til I'm in Athens next week.
Lunchtime, gotta go.