weekend....

[unnoficial]

This weekend i am attending 2 funerals. Both from the same side of the family. One in san diego on saturday (tomorrow) and one sunday in long beach. I feel like i dont know what to feel like. Its a huge mix of every emotion you can think of put together in a conveniently packed weekend, right? Out of everything, i feel myself angry and depressed, and at the same time like i lost respect for myself. My godfather and my aunt died in the last 10 days. my godfather i knew rather well; i hadnt talked to him in a while, but i knew him, i knew who he was, what he was all about. He died at the age of 39. My aunt i think i remember... i know what my uncle looks like (her husband, my dads brother). I think i've met/ seen her a handfull of times throughout my life at family gatherings, no more than that. My godfathers situation i feel is a must go situation, considering im the closest thing to a son since he has none...anyway it seems to be acknoledged by all that when a family member dies, you go to the funeral/services, what have you, like thats the way it is, and its respectful to pay your dues and all that. For my godfather I feel that i must go. My aunt on the other hand is one of those customary things. I mean i feel like shit that i dont wanna go, becaase i do know who she is, i have ,met her before, but i dont even remember what she looks like. To family it WILL be looked down upon if i do go to my godfathers and not to my aunts since the same people will attend both, ... i dont know how to explain the way i feel about this. i see both sides of the story, and considering the situation, i feel it would be best to go to both, considering that its all the same people attending, but i feel disrespectful at the same time due to that fact that i really am not familiar with this aunt of mine. I mean i know whats right for me to do, i should attend my family's moments of loss, even if i dont see them often, or nearly at all. its a big deal to my fathers brother and thats what really matters. I dont really see alot of that right now, but one were to put themselves in that situation, they would know. If my brothers wife died and my son didnt go to the funeral, i would ... shit i dont even know what i'd do. It would be a huge deal to me thats what i know. And although im arguing with myself, i feel i need to to clarify the jumbled ideas in my head. I know what has happened has happened, but i dont want it to consume my only time off from work. I feel like an asshole saying that, but thats what i feel. My aunts services are going to be in san diego. I feel like a heartless ass.... my godfather's service is on sunday morning, and the burial on monday morning. I'm not complaining about my godfathers services, ive known about those for a couple days longer than my aunts, but it seems like all too much, too much sorrow for ONE weekend. I dont want to be consumed by 2 funerals. I've only been to 1 funeral before, and thats was for my neighbor. Its too much too handle. Its overwhelming. I mean i knew my neighbor well, she was the closest thing i had to a grandmother, since i never really got to meet my mothers mom or my fathers mom. And i know this is one of those drop-everyting-this-is-ultimate-priority things but .... why am i sayin but.

*i leap and find out my landing has moved*
**i wake from it all and it happened too soon**
***The clouds change every second***