Hey, unnamed! So. I am your editor this week. And I am VERY excited for this because it means I get to read your entry one more time. I really loved it the first round through and now I get to have fun looking at it more analytically. WEEE!
Haha, you're dead.
In terms of opening lines, this is definitely a kick in the teeth. It gives the reader that eye-popping, oh-my-giddy-aunt-what feeling. I love the POV you’re writing this from as well, putting the audience on the receiving end of the narrator’s words. Very awesome job!
I mean this wouldn't really be an effective little conversation if you were all dead now, would it?
I really love the snarky rhetoric here, but I feel like maybe this is too wordy. Like, if you were to cut out either “really” or “little” in addition to “all”, I feel like this would read more streamlined.
Okay, it's not quite a conversation being that your tongue is lying about three feet away from your mouth meaning that you can't make a clear verbal response but, well, you know what I mean.
Again here, some of the wordiness is dulling the sharpness of your dialogue. I think it’s pretty well assumed that, since the tongue is about three feet away, the person can’t make a verbal response, so consider cutting out “meaning that … response.”
I didn't want to, you know how I hate mess, but I really did have to.
As dark and macabre as this entry is, I did snicker a little at this part. It’s deliciously sociopathic, but at the same time so domestic. I can’t help imagining the speaker is a housewife to a professional killer and she’s pissed off because he keeps tracking blood across her nice kitchen floor.
With the death penalty. Obviously.
Consider lumping these two sentences together. As it stands, they’re part of a series of really short, clipped sentences, which is great for adding texture but too much makes it read choppy. Plus, I feel like putting them together emphasizes the very facetious tone you’ve used throughout.
I could've just gone with a lethal injection of something or other but then you would struggle and be upset and it would've just been really traumatic for both of us.
A comma after “or other” would probably be good here to kinda break the sentence up without actually separating it.
You totally have to admit that burning all your hair off was a good way to punish your vanity and then using acid to paint on your skin?
Here, however, it might be better to start “And then…” as it’s own rhetorical statement. It’s a different concept from burning the hair off, so it works on its own.
Oh shit, wait, you don't have a dog. You have a wife.
And this is the part where I shook my head and went, “Oh, god, unnamed….” It was accompanied by a grin, don’t worry.
I'll make sure she is out of her misery soon.
Small nitpick here: up until this point, the narrative has been very casual, very friendly and personal. Here though, the “… sure she is…” part reads rather formal due to a lack of contraction. Again, this is a VERY MINOR detail, but it did jump out at me a little bit.
Yeah it means a little more work for me and it's a pain to break out of my schedule to clean up your messes but it's necessary.
Okay, some minor structural and punctuation things here. First off for punctuation: a comma is needed after “Yeah”. A comma is also probably needed after “messes” as well. Next up, the structural. Again, there are a lot of words in this sentence, some of them unnecessary. This bogs down the snap in your narrative just a little bit. See what you can do about rephrasing this so it reads more smoothly.
I should feel really sad about this. Maybe have a cry.
Nah, you deserved it. Haha, you're dead.
And I died as well - from amusement.
Like I said, this is a very dark - VERY DARK - little piece you’ve written. As others have said before, I kinda wish there was a little more context about why the narrator did what they did, but at the same time I really enjoyed the ambiguity of the moment. Also, I think you played into the fact that not every crime really does have a reason. Sometimes there are just crazy people out there - like your narrator here.
Other than some minor structural suggestions, I really don’t have much for you. Sorry, but you wrote the hell out of this piece. It had great flow from start to finish, your choice of matching opening and ending lines was well thought out. You did a terrific job this week. Well done!
Haha, you're dead.
In terms of opening lines, this is definitely a kick in the teeth. It gives the reader that eye-popping, oh-my-giddy-aunt-what feeling. I love the POV you’re writing this from as well, putting the audience on the receiving end of the narrator’s words. Very awesome job!
I mean this wouldn't really be an effective little conversation if you were all dead now, would it?
I really love the snarky rhetoric here, but I feel like maybe this is too wordy. Like, if you were to cut out either “really” or “little” in addition to “all”, I feel like this would read more streamlined.
Okay, it's not quite a conversation being that your tongue is lying about three feet away from your mouth meaning that you can't make a clear verbal response but, well, you know what I mean.
Again here, some of the wordiness is dulling the sharpness of your dialogue. I think it’s pretty well assumed that, since the tongue is about three feet away, the person can’t make a verbal response, so consider cutting out “meaning that … response.”
I didn't want to, you know how I hate mess, but I really did have to.
As dark and macabre as this entry is, I did snicker a little at this part. It’s deliciously sociopathic, but at the same time so domestic. I can’t help imagining the speaker is a housewife to a professional killer and she’s pissed off because he keeps tracking blood across her nice kitchen floor.
With the death penalty. Obviously.
Consider lumping these two sentences together. As it stands, they’re part of a series of really short, clipped sentences, which is great for adding texture but too much makes it read choppy. Plus, I feel like putting them together emphasizes the very facetious tone you’ve used throughout.
I could've just gone with a lethal injection of something or other but then you would struggle and be upset and it would've just been really traumatic for both of us.
A comma after “or other” would probably be good here to kinda break the sentence up without actually separating it.
You totally have to admit that burning all your hair off was a good way to punish your vanity and then using acid to paint on your skin?
Here, however, it might be better to start “And then…” as it’s own rhetorical statement. It’s a different concept from burning the hair off, so it works on its own.
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And this is the part where I shook my head and went, “Oh, god, unnamed….” It was accompanied by a grin, don’t worry.
I'll make sure she is out of her misery soon.
Small nitpick here: up until this point, the narrative has been very casual, very friendly and personal. Here though, the “… sure she is…” part reads rather formal due to a lack of contraction. Again, this is a VERY MINOR detail, but it did jump out at me a little bit.
Yeah it means a little more work for me and it's a pain to break out of my schedule to clean up your messes but it's necessary.
Okay, some minor structural and punctuation things here. First off for punctuation: a comma is needed after “Yeah”. A comma is also probably needed after “messes” as well. Next up, the structural. Again, there are a lot of words in this sentence, some of them unnecessary. This bogs down the snap in your narrative just a little bit. See what you can do about rephrasing this so it reads more smoothly.
I should feel really sad about this. Maybe have a cry.
Nah, you deserved it. Haha, you're dead.
And I died as well - from amusement.
Like I said, this is a very dark - VERY DARK - little piece you’ve written. As others have said before, I kinda wish there was a little more context about why the narrator did what they did, but at the same time I really enjoyed the ambiguity of the moment. Also, I think you played into the fact that not every crime really does have a reason. Sometimes there are just crazy people out there - like your narrator here.
Other than some minor structural suggestions, I really don’t have much for you. Sorry, but you wrote the hell out of this piece. It had great flow from start to finish, your choice of matching opening and ending lines was well thought out. You did a terrific job this week. Well done!
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