Kill the Engine prompt from The Flame
It was cold, even for January. We had been fortunate enough to have a journey free of storms but still it was so very cold. Ice made pretty patterns against the windows and the stars were clear in the dark night sky. It could even have been considered a great night for romance if the circumstances were different. But they weren’t.
I could hear the ( Read more... )
I listened to him list the things he wanted to do - so many things that I hoped he would get. So many things I hoped he would live to see. I didn’t even know him but his desires were becoming my desires and his wants were my own.
See, this comes kind of out of nowhere for the reasons I described above - we never got a real insight into the main character up until this point, and it feels...sporadic, like, 'What? Oh, right, this is first person'. I think you could even this out a bit more by introducing your character more thoroughly in the paragraphs beforehand - explore whether what they are seeing connects to them in any way. Like this, it feels oddly sudden.
The little boy fell asleep, his innocent chattering leaving a quiet panic in its wake.
I try not to split hairs too much, but this doesn't make sense either, because "in its wake" to me rings of something that is definitely connected to what came beforehand, like "a storm left destruction in its wake". But the boy isn't really panicked, you say yourself he's innocently chattering, or IF he's panicking it doesn't come out right enough. Do you mean to say the quiet panic of the other people closes back on the situation when he falls asleep? What do you mean by this?
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen
Comma compulsion: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The pilot had finally come to tell us our fate.
This is unnecessary exposition, since he goes ahead to do just that, we don't need to be told beforehand.
“I am so very sorry. We have only one hope, one option.”
Read this out loud to yourself and ask yourself if
#1: people really talk like that ("so very sorry")
and #2: if the "only one hope, one option" doesn't feel too overdramatic. People don't talk like they rehearse a play, not even in situations like this. Remember no matter how dramatic you make your scene, your characters are human, with human flaws and human frailties - and you get that drama across much better if you go for those elements.
as he turned to his co-pilot through in the cock pit.
Um, typo? ;) I think you might wanna cut the "through" here, otherwise this sentence looks odd - through the cockpit? (which is one word) At the pilot? You can't have both ;)
That's all I got...again, I can see what you were going for, but I think for this you lay the drama on a little too thick within a little too short time. Concentrate on the people and their reactions, as I'm sure is your focus to begin with. Even it out a bit, make the situation work for you. I've seen you accomplish greatness in your Lie to Me piece, but I think you usually need a little more time to establish what you want.
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