Comments | unnameduntamed: Henchmen prompt for The Flame

unnameduntamed

Henchmen prompt for The Flame

Oct 16, 2010 13:43

“What colour tie do you think I should wear? The blue seems sensible but is it too sensible? I don’t want to come over as overly austere - I’m offering to help her after all. I have to look friendly so maybe the green? It’s cheerful. Maybe it’s too cheerful though. We aren’t exactly on daisy-picking terms so that’s probably not the best one. Pink ( Read more... )

the flame, henchmen

Comments 14

yuunaluna October 16 2010, 21:30:28 UTC

like the play on who's the villain/hero and sidekick/henchman. very clever. don't you love it when a prompt falls into your lap like that? lol i'm interested to see what happens next.

unnameduntamed October 20 2010, 10:40:32 UTC

Thank you for commenting. I'm very interested to see what happens next too *suspiciously eyes characters in case they try to suprise her*

(The comment has been removed)

unnameduntamed October 20 2010, 10:41:08 UTC

(The comment has been removed)

unnameduntamed October 20 2010, 10:41:54 UTC

Indeed. Except for maybe the uber cute tictac thingies from Despicable Me.
Thanks for commenting!

Editor Reporting for Duty! fawatson October 17 2010, 22:07:51 UTC

I will be developing some comments for your story over the next few days. How do you want to receive them? I can post them here or send them in a separate email. Please let me know your preference.

Re: Editor Reporting for Duty! unnameduntamed October 17 2010, 22:15:29 UTC

Coolio - I'm happy for you to post them here. Whatever's easiest for you to be honest.
Thankies!

Editing Comments fawatson October 24 2010, 19:06:51 UTC

Sorry, I have taken longer than originally planned to get these to you.

General

This is a lovely light-hearted piece with a quirky twist to the end. It is generally well-written, with good grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. It stands alone well, though the characters could also be used in a longer piece. One likes these characters, which helps make the read quite enjoyable. The length is about right. The prompt was used well. I have no major suggestions to make. However, I do have two general comments:

1. You use ‘then’ a lot. I suggest you avoid the repetition.
2. Keep an eye on your use of commas (or lack thereof).

Specific

All of these suggestions are about very minor points - the kind of thing most authors ‘read over’ in their own work, particularly when writing to a strict deadline. For all examples I have quoted your words in italics and immediately followed with my suggestion.

I have to look friendly so maybe the green?
Should be: I have to look friendly, so maybe the green? (punctuation)

Yes I think it would ( ... )

writteninsight October 18 2010, 00:08:22 UTC

So didn't see that ending, but it's perfect! Nicely done!

unnameduntamed October 20 2010, 10:42:39 UTC

Thankies!