LJI S11 wk 5 “My enemies are all too familiar. They're the ones who used to call me friend"
Resolution
Author's note: The following is a letter (email) that I am sending in real life this week. It also fits the topic well, or at least at a tangent, and sometimes life goes like that. For further details about Scargill House, Please see this website: https://scargillmovement.org/ . Concrit welcome. ETA -- I have sent the letter. It didn't sit well talking about them without talking to them. ETA 2 -- it's still no
----
Hello
Over the summer I applied to come to live and work at Scargill House, and I was declined; this email is to say, please reconsider.
After thinking and praying over why my application may have been rejected, I can think of only two potential causes: the way I applied, and my answer to the question, why do I want to live in community. I will provide more information about those in the following paragraphs.
The first, the way I applied. By which I mean, I didn't come to view Scargill House and stay for a weekend before making the decision to apply, and I believe that was viewed as unusual, possibly even with suspicion. My reasoning was thus: if the notion of coming to live and work with you was from my Heavenly Father as an opportunity specially prepared for me, then I have a straight choice -- I can either say, 'yes, I will apply', or, 'no, I will not apply' (ie, 'I will be disobedient'). Coming to visit for a weekend does not change that choice. I would leave the weekend facing exactly the same choice as I faced at the beginning. So therefore, there is nothing to be gained for me from coming before I made the application, because more information does not change that choice. The only area for which I would need more information before I decided to apply would be, is this notion an opportunity specially prepared for me by my Heavenly Father, or not? Visiting may have shed more light on that question, but praying about it at home did that too. Given that my best judgement told me it was, coming to visit in the hopes of receiving extra confirmation did feel to me like testing God, and that is not something I want or wanted to do. If this is the path He's laid out for me, then I want to jump in fully, with faith; in for a penny, in for a pound; no messing about along the way. Obviously, if it's not, then pursuing it is only a waste of everybody's time, but I think it was/is. If you wanted me to visit for a weekend so that you could be sure about me, then that's up to you, but it wouldn't be before I submitted the application.
At a recent induction service for a vicar friend, I heard the bishop say that anyone undertaking such a big decision without any doubts probably hasn't taken it seriously enough. Do you feel the same way? I do have doubts about things. But usually not at this stage of the process. Usually, once it's all signed off and definitely going ahead, that is when I start to panic; when there's no backing out now! I got a lot of nerves once I'd actually posted the envelope last time. But I have learned to work with my doubts over the years. If I am able to set things in motion before the nerves kick in, so that, whether I am plagued by nerves or not, I still just have to find a way to make it work... then I can find a way to make it work. If I get the collywobbles whilst it's still actually possible to back out, which does happen when I don't act straight away upon any inspiration... then the nerves consume me, panic stops me in my tracks, and I do actually then usually back out. But for a Christian community, I shouldn't expect that telling my doubts speaks louder than my faith to actually just jump in and do the thing, and see what God does along the way! And there is power in naivety. When you don't know what you don't know, you don't know what's supposed to stop you and you just find a way to power through. To give an unrelated and more inconsequential example, when I altered a dress to turn it into a skirt, I was praised for how neatly I'd sewn in the zip for a beginner. Because the more experienced seamstress would have approached it that way, taking the zip out and inserting a new one. But, not knowing what I didn't know, I just found a way to shorten the zip that was already there -- something she'd never even thought of. As a metaphor for life, that lesson has stayed with me very powerfully, and it's usually worked out very well.
All of the above would stand regardless of the following; however, I also do not have enough money to fund a stay for a few days and train tickets there and back. Especially not to fund two trips, one preliminary and one for an interview. (Were you to offer me an interview, I would be able to borrow funds from family for the journey, and as I stated in my application, I have a friend who would be pleased to drive me and my possessions to Yorkshire were I moving in permanently.)
These are the reasons I did not see any need to come for a visit before submitting an application.
As to why I wanted to live in community in the first place: what I said in my application was true, although perhaps it wasn't the whole truth. I do want to be with the same people every day, sit-com style. Humans were not designed to live alone; at least, this human wasn't. And were I to get married and have babies, living with the same people every day would be a non-issue. But it's not the only way to have a support network around a person, and nor is it a realistic possibility in my life right now either.
I need to be with the people of God. In the care of the church family and also living with those who share the same values. It's said we all become the average of the five people with whom we spend the most time. I am not entirely sure how that works, given that they are then also becoming like us, too, but I do think there is some truth in it. I have seen the effects of this in my own life spending a lot of time with people who are not in the (Christian) family -- I have noticed that I have become self-pitying, self-important, self-absorbed, at various times, and I don't want to continue to be those ways, so I need to be spending more time -- a lot more time -- with people who are not like that, but are generous, compassionate, worshipful, holy, in order to bring out these best qualities within myself, too. The way I would describe myself when I am spending plenty of time with the rest of the family members.
I am not currently emotionally strong enough to live by myself without support. My current living situation (with my Mum & stepdad) has an end date on it; they are starting to look for a bungalow for just the two of them. And in the mean time, it is becoming more untenable emotionally and more frustrating all around as well. I am not running away from them. I didn't want it to seem like I was, which is why I didn't mention this aspect of it before. I am working on developing a better character/attitude and a better relationship whilst I am still with them. But as a considered, measured response, the opportunity to walk into a new venture and a living situation that does not include them, is both needed, and highly appealing. I'm not scared, but I am ready. Ready for something new. And eager, too.
I have mentioned a support network a couple of times now, and lest this be raising alarms, let me clarify: I am not going to need coddling. I am not going to be making everything All About Me. That has been a temptation, and one that has snared me at times, yes. But the solution isn't to put other people in a difficult position by being self-important. The solution is to feel secure enough in the affections of the group that I can afford to take a back seat; I don't need to drain a person's energy right now because it's the only chance I have to receive any individual attention at all. That's going to make things worse in the long run. But when the people aren't going to go anywhere, and neither am I, then the solution becomes resting in that companionship, knowing that if ever I did really really need attention right now, they would be there, but in the meantime I can just enjoy being with them, and hopefully, let them enjoy being with me. Enjoying what I have to offer, without burying it under a big pile of emotional need.
This brings me to my next point: I do want to be able to contribute, to offer what I have, to meet any needs that I see. It's another way to kick my pride into touch, but it's also only right that it's not only a receiving situation. Yes, moving to Scargill House would benefit me. I didn't lead with this last time because I wanted to just put my best foot forward to sell myself. But I do also want to contribute to the life and work that you all share, to do my part, to offer the best of what I can do, and pray that it benefits you, too. I am not looking for a free ride, or for coddling, as I said. I want to be somewhere where I can make a difference too.
I don't know how any of this reads as "not suitable to live in community".
And yes, in the least important but very practical way, I do need somewhere to live, and right now I have nowhere else to go except to throw myself on the mercy of God's people and hope that they will take me in. I'd greatly value the opportunity to stay somewhere with God's people for a year or two, whilst I get used to living away from my family and also regroup and make a plan for where I'm going after that year or two is up. Or longer, if that's what the LORD has planned.
I mentioned not being emotionally strong enough to live by myself right now, and that's true. A large part of that is because I struggle with routines and can get overwhelmed. Less often than I used to do, definitely, but still often enough that it can be an issue at times. I need a routine, I just struggle to develop/implement one entirely by myself right now, because I have lower levels of executive function. Knowing that decisions such as, what time to get up, what to have for lunch, etc, have been removed from my attention, will be like following a guide-rope in my mind through any overwhelm when it comes. More so because it's been sown into with many prayers throughout each day too. Exactly the sort of structure I would need in order to be able to "pull myself together" in order to go to the next level of my life after I'd left.
So I am throwing myself on the mercy of the family of God, particularly yourselves as pioneers of this new type of monasticism, because I need what you have to offer. Because I have nowhere else to go. But also because I hope that there is a place for me amongst my Father's family, where I can offer what I have, too. And for that reason, please reconsider my application.
My back is not strong, I have a damaged vertebra; therefore I may need to be on light duties if I'm in a more physical department, especially to begin with. This is why I applied particularly to be in the admin team with yourselves. But I am happy to work in whatever team you will have me, if I could come to live with you.
Please prayerfully reconsider my application.
With many thanks,
Yours in Christ,
[[unmowngrass]]
Author's note: The following is a letter (email) that I am sending in real life this week. It also fits the topic well, or at least at a tangent, and sometimes life goes like that. For further details about Scargill House, Please see this website: https://scargillmovement.org/ . Concrit welcome. ETA -- I have sent the letter. It didn't sit well talking about them without talking to them. ETA 2 -- it's still no
----
Hello
Over the summer I applied to come to live and work at Scargill House, and I was declined; this email is to say, please reconsider.
After thinking and praying over why my application may have been rejected, I can think of only two potential causes: the way I applied, and my answer to the question, why do I want to live in community. I will provide more information about those in the following paragraphs.
The first, the way I applied. By which I mean, I didn't come to view Scargill House and stay for a weekend before making the decision to apply, and I believe that was viewed as unusual, possibly even with suspicion. My reasoning was thus: if the notion of coming to live and work with you was from my Heavenly Father as an opportunity specially prepared for me, then I have a straight choice -- I can either say, 'yes, I will apply', or, 'no, I will not apply' (ie, 'I will be disobedient'). Coming to visit for a weekend does not change that choice. I would leave the weekend facing exactly the same choice as I faced at the beginning. So therefore, there is nothing to be gained for me from coming before I made the application, because more information does not change that choice. The only area for which I would need more information before I decided to apply would be, is this notion an opportunity specially prepared for me by my Heavenly Father, or not? Visiting may have shed more light on that question, but praying about it at home did that too. Given that my best judgement told me it was, coming to visit in the hopes of receiving extra confirmation did feel to me like testing God, and that is not something I want or wanted to do. If this is the path He's laid out for me, then I want to jump in fully, with faith; in for a penny, in for a pound; no messing about along the way. Obviously, if it's not, then pursuing it is only a waste of everybody's time, but I think it was/is. If you wanted me to visit for a weekend so that you could be sure about me, then that's up to you, but it wouldn't be before I submitted the application.
At a recent induction service for a vicar friend, I heard the bishop say that anyone undertaking such a big decision without any doubts probably hasn't taken it seriously enough. Do you feel the same way? I do have doubts about things. But usually not at this stage of the process. Usually, once it's all signed off and definitely going ahead, that is when I start to panic; when there's no backing out now! I got a lot of nerves once I'd actually posted the envelope last time. But I have learned to work with my doubts over the years. If I am able to set things in motion before the nerves kick in, so that, whether I am plagued by nerves or not, I still just have to find a way to make it work... then I can find a way to make it work. If I get the collywobbles whilst it's still actually possible to back out, which does happen when I don't act straight away upon any inspiration... then the nerves consume me, panic stops me in my tracks, and I do actually then usually back out. But for a Christian community, I shouldn't expect that telling my doubts speaks louder than my faith to actually just jump in and do the thing, and see what God does along the way! And there is power in naivety. When you don't know what you don't know, you don't know what's supposed to stop you and you just find a way to power through. To give an unrelated and more inconsequential example, when I altered a dress to turn it into a skirt, I was praised for how neatly I'd sewn in the zip for a beginner. Because the more experienced seamstress would have approached it that way, taking the zip out and inserting a new one. But, not knowing what I didn't know, I just found a way to shorten the zip that was already there -- something she'd never even thought of. As a metaphor for life, that lesson has stayed with me very powerfully, and it's usually worked out very well.
All of the above would stand regardless of the following; however, I also do not have enough money to fund a stay for a few days and train tickets there and back. Especially not to fund two trips, one preliminary and one for an interview. (Were you to offer me an interview, I would be able to borrow funds from family for the journey, and as I stated in my application, I have a friend who would be pleased to drive me and my possessions to Yorkshire were I moving in permanently.)
These are the reasons I did not see any need to come for a visit before submitting an application.
As to why I wanted to live in community in the first place: what I said in my application was true, although perhaps it wasn't the whole truth. I do want to be with the same people every day, sit-com style. Humans were not designed to live alone; at least, this human wasn't. And were I to get married and have babies, living with the same people every day would be a non-issue. But it's not the only way to have a support network around a person, and nor is it a realistic possibility in my life right now either.
I need to be with the people of God. In the care of the church family and also living with those who share the same values. It's said we all become the average of the five people with whom we spend the most time. I am not entirely sure how that works, given that they are then also becoming like us, too, but I do think there is some truth in it. I have seen the effects of this in my own life spending a lot of time with people who are not in the (Christian) family -- I have noticed that I have become self-pitying, self-important, self-absorbed, at various times, and I don't want to continue to be those ways, so I need to be spending more time -- a lot more time -- with people who are not like that, but are generous, compassionate, worshipful, holy, in order to bring out these best qualities within myself, too. The way I would describe myself when I am spending plenty of time with the rest of the family members.
I am not currently emotionally strong enough to live by myself without support. My current living situation (with my Mum & stepdad) has an end date on it; they are starting to look for a bungalow for just the two of them. And in the mean time, it is becoming more untenable emotionally and more frustrating all around as well. I am not running away from them. I didn't want it to seem like I was, which is why I didn't mention this aspect of it before. I am working on developing a better character/attitude and a better relationship whilst I am still with them. But as a considered, measured response, the opportunity to walk into a new venture and a living situation that does not include them, is both needed, and highly appealing. I'm not scared, but I am ready. Ready for something new. And eager, too.
I have mentioned a support network a couple of times now, and lest this be raising alarms, let me clarify: I am not going to need coddling. I am not going to be making everything All About Me. That has been a temptation, and one that has snared me at times, yes. But the solution isn't to put other people in a difficult position by being self-important. The solution is to feel secure enough in the affections of the group that I can afford to take a back seat; I don't need to drain a person's energy right now because it's the only chance I have to receive any individual attention at all. That's going to make things worse in the long run. But when the people aren't going to go anywhere, and neither am I, then the solution becomes resting in that companionship, knowing that if ever I did really really need attention right now, they would be there, but in the meantime I can just enjoy being with them, and hopefully, let them enjoy being with me. Enjoying what I have to offer, without burying it under a big pile of emotional need.
This brings me to my next point: I do want to be able to contribute, to offer what I have, to meet any needs that I see. It's another way to kick my pride into touch, but it's also only right that it's not only a receiving situation. Yes, moving to Scargill House would benefit me. I didn't lead with this last time because I wanted to just put my best foot forward to sell myself. But I do also want to contribute to the life and work that you all share, to do my part, to offer the best of what I can do, and pray that it benefits you, too. I am not looking for a free ride, or for coddling, as I said. I want to be somewhere where I can make a difference too.
I don't know how any of this reads as "not suitable to live in community".
And yes, in the least important but very practical way, I do need somewhere to live, and right now I have nowhere else to go except to throw myself on the mercy of God's people and hope that they will take me in. I'd greatly value the opportunity to stay somewhere with God's people for a year or two, whilst I get used to living away from my family and also regroup and make a plan for where I'm going after that year or two is up. Or longer, if that's what the LORD has planned.
I mentioned not being emotionally strong enough to live by myself right now, and that's true. A large part of that is because I struggle with routines and can get overwhelmed. Less often than I used to do, definitely, but still often enough that it can be an issue at times. I need a routine, I just struggle to develop/implement one entirely by myself right now, because I have lower levels of executive function. Knowing that decisions such as, what time to get up, what to have for lunch, etc, have been removed from my attention, will be like following a guide-rope in my mind through any overwhelm when it comes. More so because it's been sown into with many prayers throughout each day too. Exactly the sort of structure I would need in order to be able to "pull myself together" in order to go to the next level of my life after I'd left.
So I am throwing myself on the mercy of the family of God, particularly yourselves as pioneers of this new type of monasticism, because I need what you have to offer. Because I have nowhere else to go. But also because I hope that there is a place for me amongst my Father's family, where I can offer what I have, too. And for that reason, please reconsider my application.
My back is not strong, I have a damaged vertebra; therefore I may need to be on light duties if I'm in a more physical department, especially to begin with. This is why I applied particularly to be in the admin team with yourselves. But I am happy to work in whatever team you will have me, if I could come to live with you.
Please prayerfully reconsider my application.
With many thanks,
Yours in Christ,
[[unmowngrass]]