I wish I could say... (an open letter)
Dear Dad,
I'm not sure where to start. I'm sure you'll hate me for putting our private business all over the internet, but Not Talking About It hasn't gotten us very far so far, has it? I highly doubt you'll ever see this letter, but as they say, sometimes we need to write the letter we can't send before we can write the one we can send, so here goes.
I think it's reasonable to say that it's obvious I would have found our conversation this afternoon rather upsetting. To re-iterate the main points to be sure I've understood them correctly:
I've honestly never had the impression that either of you thought or cared that much about your birthdays. Neither of you has ever planned anything in particular for them and invited me to it. Not even a special lunch at yours, necessarily. Yes, when Sister was planning to take Stepmum out for a manicure and a slice of cake, I invited myself along. I know that the fact that I invited myself and then didn't come has been held against me, and I can understand that, I can; however (certainly three months ago when this happened), I was also thinking that precisely because I had to invite myself, and because it wasn't even something that Stepmum had personally planned for the occasion, my company would therefore be more tolerated than specifically welcomed.
I do feel I made a valiant effort to make up for this though. I spoke to you the following day when I had more time available than I was expecting, with the intention of coming over straight away, but you were on your way out. At the time, we mentioned going to a wedding fair with Stepmum the following weekend, with my intention to lavish a birthday gift and time and attention on Stepmum then. Unfortunately, we didn't make specific arrangements but left those to be decided nearer the time. I did ring that week, with the intention of making those plans, but after only a few minutes of conversation (before I'd gotten to that bit), we were interrupted and you insisted we end the conversation there. True, I should have rung back the next day, and didn't.
One of those things that you probably don't know, is that I have quite high anxiety about using the phone in general, and will often go quite far out of my way in order to avoid doing so: walking the mile and a half to the doctors' to make an appointment, catching an extra bus in order to be able to go and book theatre tickets from the box office in person, that kind of thing. Yes, this even applies to you guys. Even ringing just once a month or so like I currently do (formerly did, I suppose?) -- I've generally spent 3-7 days prior to that call thinking about ringing you, working up courage, running drafts of conversations through my head for when we finally do speak. And yes, this is for general run of the mill chit-chat, like how am I, what have I been upto recently, what's new with me. I know you'll think this is ridiculous, and I am working on it, and I am seeing some improvement, but it is real and it isn't going away overnight.
So the wedding fair never happened (I didn't go by myself either). The following weekend was Easter, and then it was getting too far away to be relevant. Aware of this, I created an email invite to Stepmum to come out for another manicure a month after her birthday, not to replace the original birthday arrangement, but to show my contrition and work on repairing our relationship because it would be something nice to do together. Emails of some hostility and perhaps bad judgement on my part were exchanged, then I sent an unreserved apology and received no reply. (My apologies if there was an email that didn't get delivered.) Two weeks ago when I visited for Father's Day, I also came bearing a large bouquet of flowers for Stepmum, trying to do something positive to improve our relationship and to keep the communication channels open, if nothing else; I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt that despite this we could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I don't know what else I could have done, honestly. I have tried to make amends and I have the impression it's been thrown back in my face.
I know this likely isn't your sort of thing, but I have found the following website to have helpful information: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/
The premise is that there are five basic 'apology languages' -- ways people give and receive apologies -- which, if I can remember them correctly, include
I don't currently know what to make of your comment that I have treated Stepmum badly for years. Without specific charges laid at my door to either agree with or dispute, I can't know whether or not that is fair. If it is fair, I will apologise and own it. I've never had a problem piping up when it would be easier to keep quiet if I genuinely believe I am in the wrong about something. It is, in my opinion, one of my biggest strengths; I learned that from you.
I also can't understand how deliberately going out of my way to ensure that Stepmum felt included in planning my wedding (by inviting her dress shopping), when it would be so easy not to involve her at all if I chose not to also counts as having treated her badly recently, all birthday business aside. Please will you explain this a bit more?
There's more to say I'm sure, but this is all I could write down clearly for now. I don't have words for anything else.
I have cried today, a lot, but I also hope I have been able to take it on the chin and learn from today in order to move on better from here. Will you and Stepmum move on with me, please? I can't build an entire bridge from one side.
I still love you Daddy.
From Katie, Your Firstborn.
xxxxxxxx
I'm not sure where to start. I'm sure you'll hate me for putting our private business all over the internet, but Not Talking About It hasn't gotten us very far so far, has it? I highly doubt you'll ever see this letter, but as they say, sometimes we need to write the letter we can't send before we can write the one we can send, so here goes.
I think it's reasonable to say that it's obvious I would have found our conversation this afternoon rather upsetting. To re-iterate the main points to be sure I've understood them correctly:
- I was specifically Not Invited to your house this afternoon with [my] Sister
- I won't be invited/welcome there for a while
- Missing Stepmum's 60th birthday was "the last straw"
- Stepmum is not going to come to my wedding
- I've "treated her badly for the last 10-15 years"
- I mustn't "go away feeling the victim" because "[I've] brought this all on myself"
- You don't know what goes on inside my head/can't figure me out
- I invited Stepmum to go wedding dress shopping with me and not my own Mum, who is the one paying for it!
- You'll always love me
- I'll always love you too
I've honestly never had the impression that either of you thought or cared that much about your birthdays. Neither of you has ever planned anything in particular for them and invited me to it. Not even a special lunch at yours, necessarily. Yes, when Sister was planning to take Stepmum out for a manicure and a slice of cake, I invited myself along. I know that the fact that I invited myself and then didn't come has been held against me, and I can understand that, I can; however (certainly three months ago when this happened), I was also thinking that precisely because I had to invite myself, and because it wasn't even something that Stepmum had personally planned for the occasion, my company would therefore be more tolerated than specifically welcomed.
I do feel I made a valiant effort to make up for this though. I spoke to you the following day when I had more time available than I was expecting, with the intention of coming over straight away, but you were on your way out. At the time, we mentioned going to a wedding fair with Stepmum the following weekend, with my intention to lavish a birthday gift and time and attention on Stepmum then. Unfortunately, we didn't make specific arrangements but left those to be decided nearer the time. I did ring that week, with the intention of making those plans, but after only a few minutes of conversation (before I'd gotten to that bit), we were interrupted and you insisted we end the conversation there. True, I should have rung back the next day, and didn't.
One of those things that you probably don't know, is that I have quite high anxiety about using the phone in general, and will often go quite far out of my way in order to avoid doing so: walking the mile and a half to the doctors' to make an appointment, catching an extra bus in order to be able to go and book theatre tickets from the box office in person, that kind of thing. Yes, this even applies to you guys. Even ringing just once a month or so like I currently do (formerly did, I suppose?) -- I've generally spent 3-7 days prior to that call thinking about ringing you, working up courage, running drafts of conversations through my head for when we finally do speak. And yes, this is for general run of the mill chit-chat, like how am I, what have I been upto recently, what's new with me. I know you'll think this is ridiculous, and I am working on it, and I am seeing some improvement, but it is real and it isn't going away overnight.
So the wedding fair never happened (I didn't go by myself either). The following weekend was Easter, and then it was getting too far away to be relevant. Aware of this, I created an email invite to Stepmum to come out for another manicure a month after her birthday, not to replace the original birthday arrangement, but to show my contrition and work on repairing our relationship because it would be something nice to do together. Emails of some hostility and perhaps bad judgement on my part were exchanged, then I sent an unreserved apology and received no reply. (My apologies if there was an email that didn't get delivered.) Two weeks ago when I visited for Father's Day, I also came bearing a large bouquet of flowers for Stepmum, trying to do something positive to improve our relationship and to keep the communication channels open, if nothing else; I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt that despite this we could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I don't know what else I could have done, honestly. I have tried to make amends and I have the impression it's been thrown back in my face.
I know this likely isn't your sort of thing, but I have found the following website to have helpful information: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/apology/
The premise is that there are five basic 'apology languages' -- ways people give and receive apologies -- which, if I can remember them correctly, include
- Actually saying sorry
- Identifying why a particular behaviour was wrong
- Making a plan to do better next time
- Doing something specific in an attempt to make it up to the person (mine)
- Asking for forgiveness
I don't currently know what to make of your comment that I have treated Stepmum badly for years. Without specific charges laid at my door to either agree with or dispute, I can't know whether or not that is fair. If it is fair, I will apologise and own it. I've never had a problem piping up when it would be easier to keep quiet if I genuinely believe I am in the wrong about something. It is, in my opinion, one of my biggest strengths; I learned that from you.
I also can't understand how deliberately going out of my way to ensure that Stepmum felt included in planning my wedding (by inviting her dress shopping), when it would be so easy not to involve her at all if I chose not to also counts as having treated her badly recently, all birthday business aside. Please will you explain this a bit more?
There's more to say I'm sure, but this is all I could write down clearly for now. I don't have words for anything else.
I have cried today, a lot, but I also hope I have been able to take it on the chin and learn from today in order to move on better from here. Will you and Stepmum move on with me, please? I can't build an entire bridge from one side.
I still love you Daddy.
From Katie, Your Firstborn.
xxxxxxxx