*hugs* Sweetie, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. But that's not true, what you said! You do deserve friends. You're NOT fat (and besides, that's no reason to not deserve friends!) and even if you are emotionally unstable, that doesn't mean that you don't deserve friends either. In fact, the ones who stand by you through this are the best ones in the world.
Three years ago, I was sent to the psych ward twice in one winter. It was horrible. RIght in the middle of my senior year in high school. I was a straight A student, so they ended up waving the credits I needed and graduating me a semester early. My friends dropped me faster than you could believe. All except one...my ski coach. I reached out to him, and he was not scared. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and was insane. I never slept and was withdrawn and had horrible, horrible voices in my head and visions. I was so doped up on meds, I couldn't get out of bed...ever. But he stuck with me. He would call me and email me. I wouldn't answer because, like you, I felt I didn't deserve him. He was so good, and me? I was a wreck. It didn't get much worse, in my eyes. But, slowly, I came out of it. And now, we're married, and I'm completely off meds, and haven't had a hallucination in...about a month, I think?
Stick with life, hun. I've OD'ed before, I've contemplated all kinds of suicide, I've been there. (And shit, do I regret doing that to my littlest sister...she was so fucking scared.) But, when you get out of this, life is SOOO worth it. There is beauty out there! You live in a beautiful state. Can you try and get away on the weekend and emmerse yourself in nature? I pray to Mother Earth for strength, and she does give it to me. Or you can pray to God while you're out there, if that works better for you.
Keep your head up, sweetie. This life IS something worth living. It really is. I can actually give you my cell phone number so you can call me if you want. I think Utah is in the same time zone as Colorado, right?
I do have some great friends, but I don't talk to them much about what I'm going through. Sometimes I'll talk to my good friend/roommate about what's going on, but not always. That's because she's going through a lot of depression lately. Depression that she's never had to deal with before. And our best guy friend has been helping her A LOT. I swear, they're always together and doing stuff. It's kind of annoying at times because it makes me feel left out, even though I know they're not doing it on purpose. That's another reason I don't tell them a lot, they're so clique-y. The girl in my class that I talk to a lot is really nice and supportive. And I've told her a lot and complained to her a lot too and she doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I always think I'm annoying her, but she insists that I don't. I guess I'm just really worried about annoying people.
It also doesn't help that my very best friend recently abandoned me. She was trying to figure things out in her life and get things straight so she stopped talking to me. We did agree that we depended on each other too much, but it was such a hard blow for her to stop talking to me. And now she's moved home to Texas and didn't even say goodbye. I think that's really bothering me and making me feel pathetic and worthless. It really hurt initially and it's still a sore and tender place in my heart. I know I should grow up and move on and forget about her, but it's hard. I'm trying, but it's really proving to be difficult.
I do enjoy hiking. I don't have a car though and I don't know WHERE to go hiking. Plus it just snowed last night and it's supposed to snow all weekend. I should probably wait to go hiking so I don't freeze, haha. But I agree that I should go into nature. It always makes me feel better.
You don't have to give me your phone number. I'd probably end up annoying you by texting you too much, haha. Thanks for always being so nice though :) xoxoxoxo
Three years ago, I was sent to the psych ward twice in one winter. It was horrible. RIght in the middle of my senior year in high school. I was a straight A student, so they ended up waving the credits I needed and graduating me a semester early. My friends dropped me faster than you could believe. All except one...my ski coach. I reached out to him, and he was not scared. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and was insane. I never slept and was withdrawn and had horrible, horrible voices in my head and visions. I was so doped up on meds, I couldn't get out of bed...ever. But he stuck with me. He would call me and email me. I wouldn't answer because, like you, I felt I didn't deserve him. He was so good, and me? I was a wreck. It didn't get much worse, in my eyes. But, slowly, I came out of it. And now, we're married, and I'm completely off meds, and haven't had a hallucination in...about a month, I think?
Stick with life, hun. I've OD'ed before, I've contemplated all kinds of suicide, I've been there. (And shit, do I regret doing that to my littlest sister...she was so fucking scared.) But, when you get out of this, life is SOOO worth it. There is beauty out there! You live in a beautiful state. Can you try and get away on the weekend and emmerse yourself in nature? I pray to Mother Earth for strength, and she does give it to me. Or you can pray to God while you're out there, if that works better for you.
Keep your head up, sweetie. This life IS something worth living. It really is. I can actually give you my cell phone number so you can call me if you want. I think Utah is in the same time zone as Colorado, right?
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It also doesn't help that my very best friend recently abandoned me. She was trying to figure things out in her life and get things straight so she stopped talking to me. We did agree that we depended on each other too much, but it was such a hard blow for her to stop talking to me. And now she's moved home to Texas and didn't even say goodbye. I think that's really bothering me and making me feel pathetic and worthless. It really hurt initially and it's still a sore and tender place in my heart. I know I should grow up and move on and forget about her, but it's hard. I'm trying, but it's really proving to be difficult.
I do enjoy hiking. I don't have a car though and I don't know WHERE to go hiking. Plus it just snowed last night and it's supposed to snow all weekend. I should probably wait to go hiking so I don't freeze, haha. But I agree that I should go into nature. It always makes me feel better.
You don't have to give me your phone number. I'd probably end up annoying you by texting you too much, haha. Thanks for always being so nice though :)
xoxoxoxo
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