The Truth Is, This Therapy Is a Jerk-Off. You Know It, and I Know It.
Thursday, I go in for my first ever real life therapy session. I'm a little nervous to say the least. I don't quite know what to expect. I don't even know if I'm going to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I couldn't tell you difference either. I hear one has a prescription pad and the other doesn't, but aside from that I have no idea what the subtitles are. I didn't even make the appointment, Mickey's wife did it for me after I had talked with her about my depression. We had talked about it a year ago and she had suggested then that I should go see her doctor and I said I'd look into it and of course I never did. So when it got brough up again a few weeks ago, she took matters into her own hands.
I think it'll be good for me, but as I said, I have no idea what to expect. Is it like on TV where they sit and just ask "how does that make you feel?" about everything? Is there an agenda that they follow and ask specific questions? Do I just walk in, get a prescription, and then get sent home? I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I have a lot to talk about though: Turning 31 sucked, birthdays in general suck as they are just another reminder that I am not where I want to be in my life. I was there, I thought, and then it went away. Dealing with that loss has been tough. Not necessarily the loss of Virginia specifically, but the loss of a feeling of stability and of pretty much just feeling good about myself and my life. My job is not enjoyable. I'm bad at my new(ish) role as manager and I actively avoid things I don't like which just makes my job even worse (I should be writing application documentation right now, but instead here I am). I found out recently that Virginia and Mark are getting married, which didn't really hit me the way I thought it should, but I still can't shake this weird numbness since I found out. I've kind of been checking her facebook a bit in the couple months since hearing that information. After 2 years of her keeping it completely blocked, her recent posts are no longer friends only so I've been able to see them. She seems happy which is good. She also seems sickeningly positive. Posting inspirational messages and daily affirmations all the time. It's just weird, I should be glad she's happy and a different person, but I am really just confused. Was she lying to me the whole time we were together and her entire personality was a fake? Is she really just a person who mirrors whoever she is dating without actually having that strong of a personality herself? Am I just that incredibly negative that I really was just holding her happiness back all those years? That last one seems like it should be the obvious answer, but I think I was happier and had a better attitude when I was with Virginia than I have ever been in my life.
Lately it's just been a colossal struggle to get out of bed, even on days when I don't have to go to work and I'm going to do something that I should enjoy like recording with the band.
Anyway, life sucks.
I think it'll be good for me, but as I said, I have no idea what to expect. Is it like on TV where they sit and just ask "how does that make you feel?" about everything? Is there an agenda that they follow and ask specific questions? Do I just walk in, get a prescription, and then get sent home? I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I have a lot to talk about though: Turning 31 sucked, birthdays in general suck as they are just another reminder that I am not where I want to be in my life. I was there, I thought, and then it went away. Dealing with that loss has been tough. Not necessarily the loss of Virginia specifically, but the loss of a feeling of stability and of pretty much just feeling good about myself and my life. My job is not enjoyable. I'm bad at my new(ish) role as manager and I actively avoid things I don't like which just makes my job even worse (I should be writing application documentation right now, but instead here I am). I found out recently that Virginia and Mark are getting married, which didn't really hit me the way I thought it should, but I still can't shake this weird numbness since I found out. I've kind of been checking her facebook a bit in the couple months since hearing that information. After 2 years of her keeping it completely blocked, her recent posts are no longer friends only so I've been able to see them. She seems happy which is good. She also seems sickeningly positive. Posting inspirational messages and daily affirmations all the time. It's just weird, I should be glad she's happy and a different person, but I am really just confused. Was she lying to me the whole time we were together and her entire personality was a fake? Is she really just a person who mirrors whoever she is dating without actually having that strong of a personality herself? Am I just that incredibly negative that I really was just holding her happiness back all those years? That last one seems like it should be the obvious answer, but I think I was happier and had a better attitude when I was with Virginia than I have ever been in my life.
Lately it's just been a colossal struggle to get out of bed, even on days when I don't have to go to work and I'm going to do something that I should enjoy like recording with the band.
Anyway, life sucks.