The Warning Signs Have All Been Bright and Garish. Far Too Great In Number To Ignore.
Monday I had a weird moment of self-realization. It was such a bizarre feeling that it's hard to describe. There I was, driving home from work and over-thinking a series of recent events, as per usual. I was actually starting to feel kind of good about myself. I had previously viewed these things in a negative light, but in this moment something had changed. I was thinking about those events in a different, far more favorable way. I felt I had misread things, that I was being down on myself for no good reason. All the evidence was suddenly pointing to a conclusion that was completely opposite from what I had reached before. I was happy, and for a second I had some hope for things. Then suddenly there was a booming voice of reason that rang out through my head. It cut through everything and screamed, "Are you seriously believing this horseshit?"
That snapped me out of it. Those rose colored glasses were removed and the reality of the situation came back into focus. It was just so weird to know that I was believing something that was so clearly not true. I'm sure I've had delusional thoughts before, and I know others who have had them too, but this is the first time I've ever had such a clear picture of me allowing myself to believe something I knew was wrong just to momentarily feel good. I really didn't like it.
The past few days I have been thinking about memories a lot too. It's been so hard lately to really remember much about Virginia. This was the woman I was married to and who seriously did a lot of damage to me, but I barely remember her just one year later. There are certain things burned into my mind of course, but considering we were together for four and a half years I'm really surprised there isn't a lot more there (same goes for Ileana, another four and a half years of my life and my memories are practically non-existent). It is especially the case with my house. I know I should have more memories of Virginia there, we lived there together for over a year, but really I can't think of my bedroom ever being any different than it is now, I can't recall it ever being a shared space. It still feels wrong sleeping alone, like someone should be there next to me, but it never feels like Virginia was there at all. It's like our time together ended back in Scottsdale, before we got married. But even that is vague and a lot of what I remember doesn't even involve her. I know she was there, but it's like my mind airbrushed her out of it all. Crazy stuff.
That snapped me out of it. Those rose colored glasses were removed and the reality of the situation came back into focus. It was just so weird to know that I was believing something that was so clearly not true. I'm sure I've had delusional thoughts before, and I know others who have had them too, but this is the first time I've ever had such a clear picture of me allowing myself to believe something I knew was wrong just to momentarily feel good. I really didn't like it.
The past few days I have been thinking about memories a lot too. It's been so hard lately to really remember much about Virginia. This was the woman I was married to and who seriously did a lot of damage to me, but I barely remember her just one year later. There are certain things burned into my mind of course, but considering we were together for four and a half years I'm really surprised there isn't a lot more there (same goes for Ileana, another four and a half years of my life and my memories are practically non-existent). It is especially the case with my house. I know I should have more memories of Virginia there, we lived there together for over a year, but really I can't think of my bedroom ever being any different than it is now, I can't recall it ever being a shared space. It still feels wrong sleeping alone, like someone should be there next to me, but it never feels like Virginia was there at all. It's like our time together ended back in Scottsdale, before we got married. But even that is vague and a lot of what I remember doesn't even involve her. I know she was there, but it's like my mind airbrushed her out of it all. Crazy stuff.