Love letter: Chapter 1/7
Love letter: Chapter 1/7
Kitayama/Fujigaya, Nikaido/Senga, Yokoo/Fujigaya (onesided)
Romance, angst, 17500 (total), R
Kitayama never thought his feelings would be returned, but the day he accidentally finds a certain text on Fujigaya's unlocked laptop, he can't help but start hoping.
Kitayama is used to living with suppressed feelings, almost doesn't feel them anymore because he has put them to sleep inside his chest. He used to looking at Fujigaya and telling himself that “he's just an attractive co-worker, there's nothing I feel for him but physical attraction”. And it has been so many years now that it works. He fools his mind and body into believing that Fujigaya is just lust embodied, so much that he barely even feels any lust whatsoever anymore.
At least until Fujigaya comes close. When he touches with his soft and warm hands, when he laughs right next to Kitayama, so gorgeous when he's happy; when he leans in to whisper something and all Kitayama can think of is those perfect lips so near his ear that he almost feels the heat from them. Those times his guard breaks like a dropped wine glass shatters as it hits the floor, and butterflies of every kind related to love start fluttering inside him while his heart skips a beat or two and he kind of wants to die because while it is a fantastic feeling, the feelings that overcome him later are so awful that he doesn't know what to do with himself.
Because he knows. He knows that Fujigaya will never feel anything for him. And he knows that even if Fujigaya ever would, it would likely ruin things in the end. It would ruin the friendship they have, would make things awkward for the group. Would change how he works, perhaps make him less professional. And he doesn't want any of that. So he won't let himself recognize his feelings at all. They don't exist.
But no matter how used to it he is, there are moments that make hope grow within Kitayama. Most of the time it's when Fujigaya speaks about his love life, and honestly, that happens a lot less than one would think. But when he does, he only ever talks about how bad it is. How the guy he had thought he could have dated ended up being a total jerk or how they didn't fit for each other at all and that he'd rather date one of his group members than be stuck with someone like that. Every time he does, Kitayama wants to speak up, ask him to give it a try, to date someone in the group. To date him.
That hope dies as quickly as his thoughts about confessing do, though. Because really, all it would result in would be an embarrassing silence and very awkward dancing on stage, not to mention the photo shoots in which they get squished up together in. There's only one thing that makes his subconscious hold on to the feelings his mind has been trying to deny for so long that he's starting to believe he doesn't have. One thing, that he comes across by accident.
It's a long, full day meeting concerning the upcoming single and the promotion of it; just past lunch break and Kitayama has returned early to the room they're using for planning and discussing. Surprisingly enough Senga and Nikaido are already there, playing around on the couch placed next to a window; judging by the sounds of it, Nikaido is either tickling Senga, or touching him in certain places that make him squirm like a worm in pain. They barely look up when Kitayama enters the room, but when he speaks Nikaido stops for a moment.
“Can I use this?” he asks, points at the black laptop that's set on the table, screen dark, presumably in sleep-mode.
“I guess? It's Gaya's, but he won't mind will he? He left it like that when Yokoo dragged him along to get food.” Nikaido changes his grip on Senga, tries to keep him still, a smirk on his face as he speaks. “If he does mind, it'll be interesting, though.”
Nikaido lets go of Senga's arms to tickle him, which only gives him the chance to move his own hands to Nikaido's wrists as he pushes him down onto his back, quickly straddling his waist and honestly, if Kitayama hadn't known them since they were tiny teenagers, he would have thought it looked suspicious, and not just a little. But he does, and he doesn't spare them another word before he sits down in front of the laptop, swipes his finger over the touchpad. It lights up immediately and it turns out it was just the screen saver that had darkened the screen, as it doesn't ask for a password.
He had intended to open a browser tab and aimlessly choose a website; streaming funny videos had been on his mind, but what he sees is a document. At first he's about to close it, or at least minimize it and leave the laptop, because really, even just the first sentence looks personal. Too personal.
“There so much I'd like to do with you.”
But because it looks personal, Kitayama can't seem to stop reading. As much as it makes him feel a little anxious, he can't stop there, he needs to continue. Needs to know what it's about.
“Things like just sleeping next to you. Hear your calm breaths right there, within reach. Or have you in my arms while we sleep. Or your arms around me, I don't care.
I want to tell you I love you, every night, and never doubt that I will get the same words back.
Or things like looking out at the scenery of Tokyo at night, from a place where we can see far, but not far enough to see the end of the city lights. I want to stand behind you at that place, arms around your waist, and kiss you just below your jaw.
And I want to hold you tight, and just hold, every time you need me to. And every time I need the comfort that only you can give me.
Want to hold your hand among people, let them know that I'm yours and you're mine. Let them stare, because what does it matter to me if they don't like it? I would be perfectly happy anyway.
Introduce you to my friends, not as a member, but as my partner. As the one that I've chosen to give my all to. If you just let me.
Look at the stars with you, in silence, just cool night air around us. Hold you close and maybe kiss you, because there under the night skies, no one but the planets above would be watching.
Entrust you with everything that I haven't dared to yet. Like exactly how much I actually love you.
Want to take you to every place so beautiful that it took my breath the first time I went. Because I want to see you lose your breath at the same beauty.
And one day, I wish I can introduce you not as just my”
It stops there, in the middle of the sentence, and the way it ends makes it look like Fujigaya had been afraid to type it out. Kitayama thinks he knows what he wants to say anyway. But he doesn't know what to feel. Somehow, for some reason, his heart is beating a little faster and it's not because he's scared, but because those stupid feelings are overflowing again.
By the looks of it, Fujigaya seems to be interested in someone. A member. And that makes it so much more likely for Kitayama to maybe, at some point, have something more than a friendship with Fujigaya, that he's not sure what to do. He just stares at the text as if waiting for it to give him an answer, anything, while thoughts in his mind spin in what feels like a tornado.
The sounds of Nikaido and Senga in the background are loud but distant, and he jumps a little when someone leans over him and closes the lid to the laptop. When he turns his head Fujigaya comes into view, but something about him feels different. He looks serious, but not angry, only perhaps a little worried. It's hard to put into words, and Kitayama is sure he couldn't describe it because he has no idea what Fujigaya is feeling.
“I... I didn't know you wrote poems?” he tries, tilts his head in a manner that he hopes makes it looks like that's what he really wants to ask.
“I don't.” Fujigaya's voice is monotone, but not like he's about to start yelling. “Just something I came to think of. Might turn it into lyrics for my next solo song.” He sits down next to Kitayama, reaches for the laptop and pulls it towards himself, presses the shortcuts to lock it.
“Taisuke does that sometimes,” Yokoo adds, sits down on the opposite side of the table, a little smile on his face. Kitayama is too busy thinking to notice that Fujigaya is smiling back, as if thankful for the further explanation.
It would make sense. It's totally the kind of theme Fujigaya often uses for solos. Unrequited love. Kitayama never does, because he doesn't want to delve too deep into his own thoughts related to said theme. But Fujigaya does, and it wouldn't have been odd. Not at all. If it hadn't been for that member part.
Kitayama just can't get it off his mind. That document, is it real? Is it Fujigaya's true feelings put into words? Or is it really just fiction to be used for creativity later, when he's in the mood for lyrics? Because to Kitayama, it had seemed so very real. Or perhaps he had thought so because he feels exactly that whenever he lets his mind free, when those little moments make his feelings blossom out inside him again. When he's alone at night and wishes for nothing but Fujigaya's warmth next to him, the familiar smell of whatever perfume he uses, the calm breaths he draws as he sleeps because as creepy as it might be, after all the time they've been working together Kitayama has learned to recognize the sound of Fujigaya sleeping.
He finds that he thinks of it all the time, every minute he doesn't have anything else to keep his mind distracted by, and by the time he starts thinking he might be going crazy he figures that he has to ask Fujigaya about it. It's kind of in the middle of the night when he decides to do it, but he figures that if he wakes Fujigaya up he'll just have to apologize, and if he doesn't wake up he'll just have to wait until morning with receiving an answer.
“Hey uhm. This is going to sound strange, but, the poem thing. The one that's not a poem. It looked a lot like a love letter.”
Kitayama can't bring himself to ask who it's meant for. He's not sure he wants to hear it. So he sends the message like that, hopes that what he wonders comes through to Fujigaya. When ten minutes with no answer have passed he figures Fujigaya really is asleep; even so he turns the night-mode off before he locks his phone and puts it down next to his pillow. Kitayama is about halfway to sleep when it buzzes and lights up, and he can't pick his phone up quick enough.
“You'll be picked up at 8 tomorrow morning, like I told you yesterday.”
Just the manager. Not even surprised at it he locks the phone again without answering to the mail. He's punctual after all, and the manager knows he'll be ready in time. He'll be sleepy, but ready.
The next time it buzzes he's actually asleep, but so lightly that he wakes up from it. It can't be the manager again. He's a lot slower when he reaches for his phone this time, but his heart starts racing when he squints at the bright screen and reads out Fujigaya's name.
“It's not. It's not for real, okay? Why are you awake anyway”
It makes him smile, for some reason. Fujigaya is acting just like normal.
“Lonely. But I'll be sleeping in a minute if I try.”
Kitayama sends it before he has the time to regret and edit. He regrets afterwards instead, hopes he doesn't come off as desperate or something. But then he figures that Fujigaya won't judge him, they've been friends and co-workers forever and Fujigaya has no idea about his feelings.
“Same. Goodnight.”
There's no hint to what part of Kitayama's message Fujigaya means with “same”. And with that statement, it only feels like Fujigaya has created more questions than he answered.
-
Kitayama keeps his distance, keeps his heart cool and tries to forget about possibilities. Even if there might be a possibility, it's still not good. Romantic relationships within groups can only be bad. He's dead set on that way of thinking, that it can't possibly work out, but he's no longer sure if it's because he actually thinks so, if he always has, or if it's just another excuse to reject what he really wants.
And really, it's hard to not want Fujigaya. He's cute when he's laughing, when he's playing around and joking with Yokoo, he's fashionable and stylish even when he's off work, so gorgeous anyone could melt when he's all styled with make-up on in front of a camera, and he's hot as fuck when he's dancing and singing. It's like Fujigaya knows exactly how to work his own body to the best, and does so while making it seem like he's not doing anything in particular to look good.
The days after Kitayama messaged Fujigaya in the middle of the night they're rehearsing the dance routine for their new single, Fujigaya up front because it's the theme song to the drama he has gotten the lead role for. Kitayama tries to keep his focus on himself, watches himself do the steps over and over, but no matter how hard he wills them not to, his eyes keep shifting over to Fujigaya. He has a serious look on his face, concentrating on the flow of his own body, lips moving along to the lyrics he's humming so quietly even Kitayama can't hear; he knows he does it because he has watched Fujigaya a lot more than he maybe should have. And he keeps watching, glances at Fujigaya as he dances, has to cool himself down after the hip roll he doesn't hold back at all for. It's the lust again, it's just lust and nothing else, or so he tries to tell himself. Again. Just like always.
Only it's harder now. A lot harder. Because while his mind doesn't let himself acknowledge his feelings, it also doesn't let him forget the love letter. He still calls it a love letter despite Fujigaya denying it. He'll call it a love letter until Fujigaya write lyrics to that damn solo song he excuses himself with. Until then, he will assume Fujigaya is in love with a group member, and it's so hard to think that maybe it's himself. That maybe the lust that he pushes away could result in something if he acted on it.
But he tries, does his best to ignore and to not look at Fujigaya too much, but when he glances at him, he feels like he sees Fujigaya turn his eyes away from Kitayama. The first time he tells himself that his mind is playing with him, but it happens again, and again. And then they have lunch break, all seven of them get food from the catering and sit down around the table prepared for that exact purpose. Kitayama talks to one of the staff members while eating, suggests that they film the group next time they dance the full choreography, so they can check their own mistakes. He gets his own message through and the staff member starts talking about angles and if there should be more than one camera but Kitayama isn't listening anymore, just nodding while he feels eyes on him.
As he looks to the side, pretends to look for where cameras could be placed for best efficiency, but what he really does is that he checks Fujigaya in the corner of his eye. And yes, he's averting his eyes again, as soon as Kitayama's head moves. It makes Kitayama's heart skip a beat. But it also makes him sweat in anxiety. What if it really is him?
There are parts in the love letter than he has remembered, that won't leave him, as if etched into his memory. Parts that his mind tells him that they make sense, that it must be him. Even though they could probably apply to any other member, which he tries to retort with every time his brain tries to remind him of the words he had read off Fujigaya's laptop screen.
I want to stand behind you at that place, arms around your waist, and kiss you just below your jaw.
It's so romantic. It's so romantic and cliché and Fujigaya, and Kitayama loves it. And because it is so cliché he can see himself clearly there, in Fujigaya's arms, shorter than him and that's exactly why that scenario works, at least in Kitayama's mind. Someone as cheesy as Fujigaya would totally think up a scenario like that, especially because Kitayama is shorter. Because Fujigaya is definitely the kind of person that loves being the romantic guy, the one who spoils his partner with affection to no end.
But that's not all. There's more, that's less on imagination and more what Kitayama's mind tells him is logical.
Introduce you to my friends, not as a member, but as my partner.
Kitayama hasn't met a lot of Fujigaya's friends. Which means he would have to be introduced. And he would be introduced as a partner, a boyfriend, rather than a member. Just the thought of meeting one of Fujigaya's friends casually, Fujigaya's hand in his, to hear Fujigaya's voice, the word boyfriend followed by his own name, has his heart squeezing tight in his chest and he knows he shouldn't be imagining things like that. It will only get his hopes up higher, and he'll have a longer way to fall when he finds out the truth. That it's someone else that Fujigaya's is in love with.
Or that it really is just fiction.
Next chapter
Kitayama/Fujigaya, Nikaido/Senga, Yokoo/Fujigaya (onesided)
Romance, angst, 17500 (total), R
Kitayama never thought his feelings would be returned, but the day he accidentally finds a certain text on Fujigaya's unlocked laptop, he can't help but start hoping.
Kitayama is used to living with suppressed feelings, almost doesn't feel them anymore because he has put them to sleep inside his chest. He used to looking at Fujigaya and telling himself that “he's just an attractive co-worker, there's nothing I feel for him but physical attraction”. And it has been so many years now that it works. He fools his mind and body into believing that Fujigaya is just lust embodied, so much that he barely even feels any lust whatsoever anymore.
At least until Fujigaya comes close. When he touches with his soft and warm hands, when he laughs right next to Kitayama, so gorgeous when he's happy; when he leans in to whisper something and all Kitayama can think of is those perfect lips so near his ear that he almost feels the heat from them. Those times his guard breaks like a dropped wine glass shatters as it hits the floor, and butterflies of every kind related to love start fluttering inside him while his heart skips a beat or two and he kind of wants to die because while it is a fantastic feeling, the feelings that overcome him later are so awful that he doesn't know what to do with himself.
Because he knows. He knows that Fujigaya will never feel anything for him. And he knows that even if Fujigaya ever would, it would likely ruin things in the end. It would ruin the friendship they have, would make things awkward for the group. Would change how he works, perhaps make him less professional. And he doesn't want any of that. So he won't let himself recognize his feelings at all. They don't exist.
But no matter how used to it he is, there are moments that make hope grow within Kitayama. Most of the time it's when Fujigaya speaks about his love life, and honestly, that happens a lot less than one would think. But when he does, he only ever talks about how bad it is. How the guy he had thought he could have dated ended up being a total jerk or how they didn't fit for each other at all and that he'd rather date one of his group members than be stuck with someone like that. Every time he does, Kitayama wants to speak up, ask him to give it a try, to date someone in the group. To date him.
That hope dies as quickly as his thoughts about confessing do, though. Because really, all it would result in would be an embarrassing silence and very awkward dancing on stage, not to mention the photo shoots in which they get squished up together in. There's only one thing that makes his subconscious hold on to the feelings his mind has been trying to deny for so long that he's starting to believe he doesn't have. One thing, that he comes across by accident.
It's a long, full day meeting concerning the upcoming single and the promotion of it; just past lunch break and Kitayama has returned early to the room they're using for planning and discussing. Surprisingly enough Senga and Nikaido are already there, playing around on the couch placed next to a window; judging by the sounds of it, Nikaido is either tickling Senga, or touching him in certain places that make him squirm like a worm in pain. They barely look up when Kitayama enters the room, but when he speaks Nikaido stops for a moment.
“Can I use this?” he asks, points at the black laptop that's set on the table, screen dark, presumably in sleep-mode.
“I guess? It's Gaya's, but he won't mind will he? He left it like that when Yokoo dragged him along to get food.” Nikaido changes his grip on Senga, tries to keep him still, a smirk on his face as he speaks. “If he does mind, it'll be interesting, though.”
Nikaido lets go of Senga's arms to tickle him, which only gives him the chance to move his own hands to Nikaido's wrists as he pushes him down onto his back, quickly straddling his waist and honestly, if Kitayama hadn't known them since they were tiny teenagers, he would have thought it looked suspicious, and not just a little. But he does, and he doesn't spare them another word before he sits down in front of the laptop, swipes his finger over the touchpad. It lights up immediately and it turns out it was just the screen saver that had darkened the screen, as it doesn't ask for a password.
He had intended to open a browser tab and aimlessly choose a website; streaming funny videos had been on his mind, but what he sees is a document. At first he's about to close it, or at least minimize it and leave the laptop, because really, even just the first sentence looks personal. Too personal.
“There so much I'd like to do with you.”
But because it looks personal, Kitayama can't seem to stop reading. As much as it makes him feel a little anxious, he can't stop there, he needs to continue. Needs to know what it's about.
“Things like just sleeping next to you. Hear your calm breaths right there, within reach. Or have you in my arms while we sleep. Or your arms around me, I don't care.
I want to tell you I love you, every night, and never doubt that I will get the same words back.
Or things like looking out at the scenery of Tokyo at night, from a place where we can see far, but not far enough to see the end of the city lights. I want to stand behind you at that place, arms around your waist, and kiss you just below your jaw.
And I want to hold you tight, and just hold, every time you need me to. And every time I need the comfort that only you can give me.
Want to hold your hand among people, let them know that I'm yours and you're mine. Let them stare, because what does it matter to me if they don't like it? I would be perfectly happy anyway.
Introduce you to my friends, not as a member, but as my partner. As the one that I've chosen to give my all to. If you just let me.
Look at the stars with you, in silence, just cool night air around us. Hold you close and maybe kiss you, because there under the night skies, no one but the planets above would be watching.
Entrust you with everything that I haven't dared to yet. Like exactly how much I actually love you.
Want to take you to every place so beautiful that it took my breath the first time I went. Because I want to see you lose your breath at the same beauty.
And one day, I wish I can introduce you not as just my”
It stops there, in the middle of the sentence, and the way it ends makes it look like Fujigaya had been afraid to type it out. Kitayama thinks he knows what he wants to say anyway. But he doesn't know what to feel. Somehow, for some reason, his heart is beating a little faster and it's not because he's scared, but because those stupid feelings are overflowing again.
By the looks of it, Fujigaya seems to be interested in someone. A member. And that makes it so much more likely for Kitayama to maybe, at some point, have something more than a friendship with Fujigaya, that he's not sure what to do. He just stares at the text as if waiting for it to give him an answer, anything, while thoughts in his mind spin in what feels like a tornado.
The sounds of Nikaido and Senga in the background are loud but distant, and he jumps a little when someone leans over him and closes the lid to the laptop. When he turns his head Fujigaya comes into view, but something about him feels different. He looks serious, but not angry, only perhaps a little worried. It's hard to put into words, and Kitayama is sure he couldn't describe it because he has no idea what Fujigaya is feeling.
“I... I didn't know you wrote poems?” he tries, tilts his head in a manner that he hopes makes it looks like that's what he really wants to ask.
“I don't.” Fujigaya's voice is monotone, but not like he's about to start yelling. “Just something I came to think of. Might turn it into lyrics for my next solo song.” He sits down next to Kitayama, reaches for the laptop and pulls it towards himself, presses the shortcuts to lock it.
“Taisuke does that sometimes,” Yokoo adds, sits down on the opposite side of the table, a little smile on his face. Kitayama is too busy thinking to notice that Fujigaya is smiling back, as if thankful for the further explanation.
It would make sense. It's totally the kind of theme Fujigaya often uses for solos. Unrequited love. Kitayama never does, because he doesn't want to delve too deep into his own thoughts related to said theme. But Fujigaya does, and it wouldn't have been odd. Not at all. If it hadn't been for that member part.
Kitayama just can't get it off his mind. That document, is it real? Is it Fujigaya's true feelings put into words? Or is it really just fiction to be used for creativity later, when he's in the mood for lyrics? Because to Kitayama, it had seemed so very real. Or perhaps he had thought so because he feels exactly that whenever he lets his mind free, when those little moments make his feelings blossom out inside him again. When he's alone at night and wishes for nothing but Fujigaya's warmth next to him, the familiar smell of whatever perfume he uses, the calm breaths he draws as he sleeps because as creepy as it might be, after all the time they've been working together Kitayama has learned to recognize the sound of Fujigaya sleeping.
He finds that he thinks of it all the time, every minute he doesn't have anything else to keep his mind distracted by, and by the time he starts thinking he might be going crazy he figures that he has to ask Fujigaya about it. It's kind of in the middle of the night when he decides to do it, but he figures that if he wakes Fujigaya up he'll just have to apologize, and if he doesn't wake up he'll just have to wait until morning with receiving an answer.
“Hey uhm. This is going to sound strange, but, the poem thing. The one that's not a poem. It looked a lot like a love letter.”
Kitayama can't bring himself to ask who it's meant for. He's not sure he wants to hear it. So he sends the message like that, hopes that what he wonders comes through to Fujigaya. When ten minutes with no answer have passed he figures Fujigaya really is asleep; even so he turns the night-mode off before he locks his phone and puts it down next to his pillow. Kitayama is about halfway to sleep when it buzzes and lights up, and he can't pick his phone up quick enough.
“You'll be picked up at 8 tomorrow morning, like I told you yesterday.”
Just the manager. Not even surprised at it he locks the phone again without answering to the mail. He's punctual after all, and the manager knows he'll be ready in time. He'll be sleepy, but ready.
The next time it buzzes he's actually asleep, but so lightly that he wakes up from it. It can't be the manager again. He's a lot slower when he reaches for his phone this time, but his heart starts racing when he squints at the bright screen and reads out Fujigaya's name.
“It's not. It's not for real, okay? Why are you awake anyway”
It makes him smile, for some reason. Fujigaya is acting just like normal.
“Lonely. But I'll be sleeping in a minute if I try.”
Kitayama sends it before he has the time to regret and edit. He regrets afterwards instead, hopes he doesn't come off as desperate or something. But then he figures that Fujigaya won't judge him, they've been friends and co-workers forever and Fujigaya has no idea about his feelings.
“Same. Goodnight.”
There's no hint to what part of Kitayama's message Fujigaya means with “same”. And with that statement, it only feels like Fujigaya has created more questions than he answered.
-
Kitayama keeps his distance, keeps his heart cool and tries to forget about possibilities. Even if there might be a possibility, it's still not good. Romantic relationships within groups can only be bad. He's dead set on that way of thinking, that it can't possibly work out, but he's no longer sure if it's because he actually thinks so, if he always has, or if it's just another excuse to reject what he really wants.
And really, it's hard to not want Fujigaya. He's cute when he's laughing, when he's playing around and joking with Yokoo, he's fashionable and stylish even when he's off work, so gorgeous anyone could melt when he's all styled with make-up on in front of a camera, and he's hot as fuck when he's dancing and singing. It's like Fujigaya knows exactly how to work his own body to the best, and does so while making it seem like he's not doing anything in particular to look good.
The days after Kitayama messaged Fujigaya in the middle of the night they're rehearsing the dance routine for their new single, Fujigaya up front because it's the theme song to the drama he has gotten the lead role for. Kitayama tries to keep his focus on himself, watches himself do the steps over and over, but no matter how hard he wills them not to, his eyes keep shifting over to Fujigaya. He has a serious look on his face, concentrating on the flow of his own body, lips moving along to the lyrics he's humming so quietly even Kitayama can't hear; he knows he does it because he has watched Fujigaya a lot more than he maybe should have. And he keeps watching, glances at Fujigaya as he dances, has to cool himself down after the hip roll he doesn't hold back at all for. It's the lust again, it's just lust and nothing else, or so he tries to tell himself. Again. Just like always.
Only it's harder now. A lot harder. Because while his mind doesn't let himself acknowledge his feelings, it also doesn't let him forget the love letter. He still calls it a love letter despite Fujigaya denying it. He'll call it a love letter until Fujigaya write lyrics to that damn solo song he excuses himself with. Until then, he will assume Fujigaya is in love with a group member, and it's so hard to think that maybe it's himself. That maybe the lust that he pushes away could result in something if he acted on it.
But he tries, does his best to ignore and to not look at Fujigaya too much, but when he glances at him, he feels like he sees Fujigaya turn his eyes away from Kitayama. The first time he tells himself that his mind is playing with him, but it happens again, and again. And then they have lunch break, all seven of them get food from the catering and sit down around the table prepared for that exact purpose. Kitayama talks to one of the staff members while eating, suggests that they film the group next time they dance the full choreography, so they can check their own mistakes. He gets his own message through and the staff member starts talking about angles and if there should be more than one camera but Kitayama isn't listening anymore, just nodding while he feels eyes on him.
As he looks to the side, pretends to look for where cameras could be placed for best efficiency, but what he really does is that he checks Fujigaya in the corner of his eye. And yes, he's averting his eyes again, as soon as Kitayama's head moves. It makes Kitayama's heart skip a beat. But it also makes him sweat in anxiety. What if it really is him?
There are parts in the love letter than he has remembered, that won't leave him, as if etched into his memory. Parts that his mind tells him that they make sense, that it must be him. Even though they could probably apply to any other member, which he tries to retort with every time his brain tries to remind him of the words he had read off Fujigaya's laptop screen.
I want to stand behind you at that place, arms around your waist, and kiss you just below your jaw.
It's so romantic. It's so romantic and cliché and Fujigaya, and Kitayama loves it. And because it is so cliché he can see himself clearly there, in Fujigaya's arms, shorter than him and that's exactly why that scenario works, at least in Kitayama's mind. Someone as cheesy as Fujigaya would totally think up a scenario like that, especially because Kitayama is shorter. Because Fujigaya is definitely the kind of person that loves being the romantic guy, the one who spoils his partner with affection to no end.
But that's not all. There's more, that's less on imagination and more what Kitayama's mind tells him is logical.
Introduce you to my friends, not as a member, but as my partner.
Kitayama hasn't met a lot of Fujigaya's friends. Which means he would have to be introduced. And he would be introduced as a partner, a boyfriend, rather than a member. Just the thought of meeting one of Fujigaya's friends casually, Fujigaya's hand in his, to hear Fujigaya's voice, the word boyfriend followed by his own name, has his heart squeezing tight in his chest and he knows he shouldn't be imagining things like that. It will only get his hopes up higher, and he'll have a longer way to fall when he finds out the truth. That it's someone else that Fujigaya's is in love with.
Or that it really is just fiction.
Next chapter