(no subject)
Ahh my head hurts... I didnt go to m Journalism review today opps...i doubt he was very helpful anyway.
Yesterday was a new experience in many ways. Stephen had his last day of theropy so, it was the big day when he finally got to smoke again. I had never seen him high before. We starting hanging out right when he stopped. To be honest I thought he was going to be very differnt, but he really wasnt. He was still all nice and sweet and trying to touch me every five seconds LoL However I couldnt help but think OSCAR...he thought i was sleeping and went out to smoke with Nick, meanwhile I was awake and Ihad to leave the room bc it was being occupied, and there was no where for me to go. I chilled with Aaron and James for a bit, but still it was a very oscar thing to do. Also smoking just reminds me of him. I became a super stoner bc of him. It was so bizzare. We smoked on what looked to be handball courts ( it was dark and rainy) and it was like the days of sunny side all over again. To make it even more werid everyone kinda fit a person in sunnside..Aaron-Bruno, Cory-Steve, Atiya-Heather, there was also Brian, and Jason and Marcus...so weird. To be completly honest i'm so over the weed thing. Yea its fun to get high but i dunno i feel like ive gone to far and grew out of it. Stephen said it wanst the same for him ne more, he doesnt lie, but im still scared. Oscar really fucked me up with the whole drug thing, and left me afraid of them. They totally take over you and change your priorities. I dont want him to choose drugs over me like he did. I dep down believe that he wont do that to me.
At some point during the night we went to the hub, and on that walk Stephen and I were talking as usally when he said something outta the blue. He told me my actions are like a magazine so he knows what i'm doing, and he knows why i do certain things. So i think...what does it mean?...duh!he knows my codes. I say things but mean something else when i say them. For example I often tell him "you make me want to vomit" which really means, "I have feelings for you,and i like you a lot and i cant believe im feeling this way"...however i have a special code..."your so mine" which meanns something i just cant say. AND HE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS!!! I was like shit this is great and i felt like an asshole, but then i remembered that he says it to me to...so i asked him "When you say it do you mean it the same way as me or are you mocking me?" and he said he feels the same. So after that i came to the conclusion that maybe he doesnt know what it means after all...i dunno. But yea he really knows how to make me feel all werid inside...he told me last night when we wewre going to sleep that hes starting to have those feelings we talked about the other day..which of course are the L word feelings. Could it be true? Am i finally hiding down that road again?
I just got apple sause all over myself im an idiot and should take a shower now
Yesterday was a new experience in many ways. Stephen had his last day of theropy so, it was the big day when he finally got to smoke again. I had never seen him high before. We starting hanging out right when he stopped. To be honest I thought he was going to be very differnt, but he really wasnt. He was still all nice and sweet and trying to touch me every five seconds LoL However I couldnt help but think OSCAR...he thought i was sleeping and went out to smoke with Nick, meanwhile I was awake and Ihad to leave the room bc it was being occupied, and there was no where for me to go. I chilled with Aaron and James for a bit, but still it was a very oscar thing to do. Also smoking just reminds me of him. I became a super stoner bc of him. It was so bizzare. We smoked on what looked to be handball courts ( it was dark and rainy) and it was like the days of sunny side all over again. To make it even more werid everyone kinda fit a person in sunnside..Aaron-Bruno, Cory-Steve, Atiya-Heather, there was also Brian, and Jason and Marcus...so weird. To be completly honest i'm so over the weed thing. Yea its fun to get high but i dunno i feel like ive gone to far and grew out of it. Stephen said it wanst the same for him ne more, he doesnt lie, but im still scared. Oscar really fucked me up with the whole drug thing, and left me afraid of them. They totally take over you and change your priorities. I dont want him to choose drugs over me like he did. I dep down believe that he wont do that to me.
At some point during the night we went to the hub, and on that walk Stephen and I were talking as usally when he said something outta the blue. He told me my actions are like a magazine so he knows what i'm doing, and he knows why i do certain things. So i think...what does it mean?...duh!he knows my codes. I say things but mean something else when i say them. For example I often tell him "you make me want to vomit" which really means, "I have feelings for you,and i like you a lot and i cant believe im feeling this way"...however i have a special code..."your so mine" which meanns something i just cant say. AND HE KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS!!! I was like shit this is great and i felt like an asshole, but then i remembered that he says it to me to...so i asked him "When you say it do you mean it the same way as me or are you mocking me?" and he said he feels the same. So after that i came to the conclusion that maybe he doesnt know what it means after all...i dunno. But yea he really knows how to make me feel all werid inside...he told me last night when we wewre going to sleep that hes starting to have those feelings we talked about the other day..which of course are the L word feelings. Could it be true? Am i finally hiding down that road again?
I just got apple sause all over myself im an idiot and should take a shower now