(no subject)
I seem to never know how to express myself clearly...a simple cry for help seems to be a snotty remark. I dont understand my lack of sence. Yesterday was a bad day, I felt alone for the first time in a while. I hate Novemer 7th its a day of remembering that im an idiot, and i had no one to talk to about it. I went to Steve for comfort but I couldnt tell him all that was on my mind, how do you tell your boyfriend that your upset because it was you and your ex's anniversary and you hate yourself for not loving him, with out making it seem wrong. Tears flew from my eyes, and i simply could only state that i was depressed, not feeling to well. I felt stupid for being in his room, I dont want him to think im this pyscho, a deprssed girl with promblems. What guy wants that? He and Nick talk about the girls they have met here who have problems and how they dont talk to them because they didnt want to deal with it. I have masked myself well, and now I can only pray they never find out the truth that underneath this pretty face and random and perky personality lives a girl who struggles each day with the task of livng. Yes, i have been happy lately but as it is known by people who know me i never stay happylong and the demons come back and haunt me. Kim feels as through we are seperating, but I didn't think so. It is clear now that she is right. Whowould have thought that this day would have come but it has. I truely do stand alone now.
College is a very lonely place. I have not known a single person for longer than three months, I have no deep connection with anyone. Im scared to speak my mind. Maybe its time I set up an appoinment with the counclesing center so I can have someone to talk to. I want to run away, run away again, just keep running... i have notthing to hold me back. If im going to be lonely i might as well be alone on the west coast, cali, sitting on the beach looking out into the water. Thats something ive always wanted to do. Maybe soon i will have enogh money and i will do that. yea that would be real nice.