.:New Beginnings:.
I am no longer willing to put up with the bullshit I would have endured even a year ago. Even six months ago. I'm better than being a doormat, and I won't be one anymore.
She screams and shakes her tiny fist at the world outside.
I'm embarking on a new era, this time of honesty. Not of shielding those I love in my head from what they are, not defending the utterly defenseless, not even myself. When I'm a bitch now, I'll admit it. When someone else is a cunt, I'll admit it. When someone's an asshole, I'll admit it. When I'm hurt but should be angry instead, I'll admit it. This is the goal. Not making excuses for everyone anymore, but rather accepting the truth about the situation and moving on. I'm trying to kill my disillusions about the world around me. This is upsetting for those who love their tainted views of the world, but whatever. Every day is a new chance to be who you weren't yesterday. Every day is a gift, an opportunity to be what you could have been.
I'm going to start using that.
It was royally bitchy of me to put up that last post, even if it was overly honest. It's incredibly stupid of me to think that a first year physics student can grasp the final that it takes to get their Masters. It's overly haughty of me to believe my predictions will come true. Perhaps the thing to do in such cases is sit back like Nick and wait for it to COME true, and THEN say, Told ya so. Instead of trying to warn everyone off, anyway.
If there's no point in keeping someone around because they treat everyone like trash, perhaps I should rid myself of them. I know several people like this. People not willing to face up to their own mistakes. I'm one of these people, unwilling to face up to the mistakes I've made. Well, no more.
Andrew suggested I post a list of things I liked about Elliott so I don't forget in the future. He may have something there, and I suppose I will.
You know, something that strikes me as terribly funny is that recently I was chiding a friend and telling him you can't be friends with someone you've fucked. You can't. You can't be friends and nothing more with a friend you've had sex with. I still believe this, dependent upon what the particulars of how they were raised are. Does that mean I really CAN'T be friends with Elliott? Granted, we were in a relationship, but fucking DOES something to your interactions.
I should think on that later.
Other than that, it's a beautiful day and I'm about to go on a date with a rather dashing young man. It's nice to feel alive on a cold winter day such as this. It's nice to have friends who understand and support you, even when you just feel like being quiet. It's nice to have a place where I can still spill my guts, even if it's watched by judgmental pricks who enjoy bringing others down. Because today, I'm going to be who I wasn't yesterday. Tomorrow, I'll be even better. And maybe I'll post some nice things to remind me of who I am, because I realized all I've been doing in *here* is ranting and bitching, and the entries don't mirror at ALL how my week's *actually* been going, which is rather fanfuckingtastic.
I miss my best friend, dearly. But I hope to God he's having tons of fun on his vacation.
I may be moving in with EJ come beginning of January. That. Would. Rock.
I bought a fish yesterday for no good reason, other than that he looks like he has a massive tumor on his head and I thought no one else would love him, and everyone deserves to be loved. So he's sitting on my desk at work right now, and I've named him Hephaestus. When he dies, I'm going to be crushed. I bought him knowing this, and being fully willing to accept the pain that's coming. I'm no longer screaming "I'm not ready yet!" when pain threatens to invade my world, but rather embracing it as a part of life that makes the highs even higher.
I look forward to getting through the stage I'm fluxing through. I look forward to being better tomorrow. I look forward to having the answers. But for now, I'm okay knowing what I know and having what I have. Contentedness is the key to happiness, is it not?
I should have the conversation I'm dreading having and get it over with. It will be one step closer to that beautiful end. =D
I like that Hephaestus dances with his little skirt. He's an Oranda, for those of you who want to look up how fugly his poor little brain sitting outside of his head is. Flaws make us beautiful. Perfection is the monster that robs us of true meaning and experience.
She screams and shakes her tiny fist at the world outside.
I'm embarking on a new era, this time of honesty. Not of shielding those I love in my head from what they are, not defending the utterly defenseless, not even myself. When I'm a bitch now, I'll admit it. When someone else is a cunt, I'll admit it. When someone's an asshole, I'll admit it. When I'm hurt but should be angry instead, I'll admit it. This is the goal. Not making excuses for everyone anymore, but rather accepting the truth about the situation and moving on. I'm trying to kill my disillusions about the world around me. This is upsetting for those who love their tainted views of the world, but whatever. Every day is a new chance to be who you weren't yesterday. Every day is a gift, an opportunity to be what you could have been.
I'm going to start using that.
It was royally bitchy of me to put up that last post, even if it was overly honest. It's incredibly stupid of me to think that a first year physics student can grasp the final that it takes to get their Masters. It's overly haughty of me to believe my predictions will come true. Perhaps the thing to do in such cases is sit back like Nick and wait for it to COME true, and THEN say, Told ya so. Instead of trying to warn everyone off, anyway.
If there's no point in keeping someone around because they treat everyone like trash, perhaps I should rid myself of them. I know several people like this. People not willing to face up to their own mistakes. I'm one of these people, unwilling to face up to the mistakes I've made. Well, no more.
Andrew suggested I post a list of things I liked about Elliott so I don't forget in the future. He may have something there, and I suppose I will.
You know, something that strikes me as terribly funny is that recently I was chiding a friend and telling him you can't be friends with someone you've fucked. You can't. You can't be friends and nothing more with a friend you've had sex with. I still believe this, dependent upon what the particulars of how they were raised are. Does that mean I really CAN'T be friends with Elliott? Granted, we were in a relationship, but fucking DOES something to your interactions.
I should think on that later.
Other than that, it's a beautiful day and I'm about to go on a date with a rather dashing young man. It's nice to feel alive on a cold winter day such as this. It's nice to have friends who understand and support you, even when you just feel like being quiet. It's nice to have a place where I can still spill my guts, even if it's watched by judgmental pricks who enjoy bringing others down. Because today, I'm going to be who I wasn't yesterday. Tomorrow, I'll be even better. And maybe I'll post some nice things to remind me of who I am, because I realized all I've been doing in *here* is ranting and bitching, and the entries don't mirror at ALL how my week's *actually* been going, which is rather fanfuckingtastic.
I miss my best friend, dearly. But I hope to God he's having tons of fun on his vacation.
I may be moving in with EJ come beginning of January. That. Would. Rock.
I bought a fish yesterday for no good reason, other than that he looks like he has a massive tumor on his head and I thought no one else would love him, and everyone deserves to be loved. So he's sitting on my desk at work right now, and I've named him Hephaestus. When he dies, I'm going to be crushed. I bought him knowing this, and being fully willing to accept the pain that's coming. I'm no longer screaming "I'm not ready yet!" when pain threatens to invade my world, but rather embracing it as a part of life that makes the highs even higher.
I look forward to getting through the stage I'm fluxing through. I look forward to being better tomorrow. I look forward to having the answers. But for now, I'm okay knowing what I know and having what I have. Contentedness is the key to happiness, is it not?
I should have the conversation I'm dreading having and get it over with. It will be one step closer to that beautiful end. =D
I like that Hephaestus dances with his little skirt. He's an Oranda, for those of you who want to look up how fugly his poor little brain sitting outside of his head is. Flaws make us beautiful. Perfection is the monster that robs us of true meaning and experience.