(no subject)
Carmelita, hold me tighter. Cause i think im slipping down.
Shes gone now. At a friends for the time being. Then an airport, a plane, and eventually another us coast. Its goodbye time. And its the most brutal one ive ever come across. To love someone as much as i do, and force myself to not look back. No matter how many bad times. Fights. Tears, honest ones. The heartbreak, the deceits, the putdowns, the violence, the misunderstandings. All the worst shit about our time together, in one big pile, would be less than a grain of salt for another hello. Another kiss. Another i love you. Another moment of eye contact. Another glimpse of her. Another word, just for the sound of it. Another shared cigarette. i hated the end. I guess it was nessesary, things were getting bad. I wanted us to make it. Outlast anyone previous. The comparison itself is sickening. How did we get to this point. Its like neither of us cared, but would ever admit it. Stubborn sons of bitchs in an everlasting pissing contest. Top speed on a treadmill, still motionless, going nowhere. I love her. And no matter what happens or has already happened, that fact will always remain. She could vanish from existence for 3 years, and id fall in love with her all over again, the second i saw her. That girl has my heart, and i dont want it back. It belongs to her. And now i write this, because even though i know only you, nadia, will read it, im sitting awake at 430am, tears pouring, with the words running through my veins. Pumpin their way through by fingers. Screaming at her, when i know she cant hear, and if she could, she wouldnt. Ive banished her. I tore my own heart from my cheat and watched it rocket out of my life, providing the fuel for lift off with my very own anger, secrets, and inability to trust. Theres nothing i can do except look on. Destroy myself for it. Fall through fire to a pit of undisclosed self hatred. Lash after lash, beat my conscience for it disobedience, and pray i can mend things months and months into the future. While i date some idiot, and she dates some idiot, and we both look back with equal hatred not for each other, but ourselves and our course of actions. I know she will, i dont doubt for a second if i will. Thats fact. I hate how i acted. I hate lacking the intelligence to see it all, and do something then. I hate everyone around us for being there, second guessing. I hate loving her. I love her, and i wish she could hear the sincerity in my appology. I never wanted her out of my life. Not for a single moment. She has my heart, and i dont want it back. It will always be hers.
Shes gone now. At a friends for the time being. Then an airport, a plane, and eventually another us coast. Its goodbye time. And its the most brutal one ive ever come across. To love someone as much as i do, and force myself to not look back. No matter how many bad times. Fights. Tears, honest ones. The heartbreak, the deceits, the putdowns, the violence, the misunderstandings. All the worst shit about our time together, in one big pile, would be less than a grain of salt for another hello. Another kiss. Another i love you. Another moment of eye contact. Another glimpse of her. Another word, just for the sound of it. Another shared cigarette. i hated the end. I guess it was nessesary, things were getting bad. I wanted us to make it. Outlast anyone previous. The comparison itself is sickening. How did we get to this point. Its like neither of us cared, but would ever admit it. Stubborn sons of bitchs in an everlasting pissing contest. Top speed on a treadmill, still motionless, going nowhere. I love her. And no matter what happens or has already happened, that fact will always remain. She could vanish from existence for 3 years, and id fall in love with her all over again, the second i saw her. That girl has my heart, and i dont want it back. It belongs to her. And now i write this, because even though i know only you, nadia, will read it, im sitting awake at 430am, tears pouring, with the words running through my veins. Pumpin their way through by fingers. Screaming at her, when i know she cant hear, and if she could, she wouldnt. Ive banished her. I tore my own heart from my cheat and watched it rocket out of my life, providing the fuel for lift off with my very own anger, secrets, and inability to trust. Theres nothing i can do except look on. Destroy myself for it. Fall through fire to a pit of undisclosed self hatred. Lash after lash, beat my conscience for it disobedience, and pray i can mend things months and months into the future. While i date some idiot, and she dates some idiot, and we both look back with equal hatred not for each other, but ourselves and our course of actions. I know she will, i dont doubt for a second if i will. Thats fact. I hate how i acted. I hate lacking the intelligence to see it all, and do something then. I hate everyone around us for being there, second guessing. I hate loving her. I love her, and i wish she could hear the sincerity in my appology. I never wanted her out of my life. Not for a single moment. She has my heart, and i dont want it back. It will always be hers.