just shoot me now
I can't handle this. I can't handle this. I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.
I'm sitting across from him... he's in a chair watching tv. I'm on the couch typing this. And there are tears in my eyes. He's just slowly deleting everything me out of his life, and I just can't handle it... I'm going to start balling.
I HATE THAT I CARE SO EFFING MUCH. When is a guy going to care that much about me? I can't keep going through this heartache. It kills me. I know that it shouldn't, I may just sound like a stupid girl, but I can't help it.
They make me fall so hard for them and then they drop me, and they don't give me any reasons that make sense. They don't tell me the truth on why they're doing it. If I knew, I could fix it for next time.
I got a lot done today on getting everything going for the new place. Everything is getting done, but I'm scared about my new job. I'm scared to be living by myself. I'm scared to be alone. I just haven't done it in a long time, and I feel like I might be alone the rest of my life. One of my biggest fears: Dying alone... or just unloved.
I might be some stupid girl wallowing in self pity, but damnet... I'm hurting and I hide it from everyone. I let the keep doing it to me. What else am I supposed to do?
He knows how it feels to hurt like this. He KNOWS. So how can he stand by and put this all on me? How can you date someone for over 6 months and suddenly NOT care about them at all? It's bull shit. He didn't care and he should have ended it a long time ago, it would have saved me a lot of heartache.
What did I do so wrong... one thing. One stupid little peak at some messages... which he only found out about because HE looked at MY messages. And he ends it??? He was waiting for a reason. He didn't have one until then. Which pretty much means, he probably just lost interest. Lost the attraction. But he doesn't have the balls to say that.
Then kiss my BIG FAT ASS. I don't give a shit if you tell me I'm fat and ugly, okay the more subtle way would be to say "I'm not attracted to you anymore." I'd rather hear that then bullshit reasons or nothing.
I don't know what else to do but bitch... or cry. I cry every night. I could do something stupid and hurt myself, but I'm not that retarded.
I just wish someone... one person... could fix all of this. Just fix it... please...