Unsure of what to feel.
No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to put my real feelings into words right now. I wish I had my old councelor to talk to... she helped a lot, then I got a new one that couldn't understand that most the time I'm not sure how to put my thoughts into words, and when I'm in a depression mood, I honestly don't know what will help. She was dumb thats for sure. "well how can I help you if you don't know?" um... well you get paid to help me figure that out... dumbass... thats why you had to go to college for your degree... Anyways... that was back in Texas, and now that I'm back in AZ I don't have a councelor and I'm too scared to get one right now becuase I don't know if I can say what I want to get out to them without some kind of legal trouble. I hate the fucking government, its too corupt. As a matter of fact, I really don't like living in the United States anymore. Sure all governments have something worng with them, but you know what there is probably one better than here... where they don't try to force their beliefs on issues on other countries and people for that matter. Anyways again...
The stress of Ryan's upcoming trial is starting to really get to me. I wish it would just get here already becuase its almost unbearable to think about anymore. His lawyer said that the odds of him not getting convicted are the odds of what a black man being accused of raping a white woman in the 1950ish time were. Which is not very good. So I guess now we're just praying for a miracle... or at the least, probation. The messed up part about this whole case is, I would be a great witness for him, becuase I figured out how to put why he did it into words (for hte most part at least... and its partly becasue of me) but I can't even go to his court date because if I get up there and say anything that the state doesn't like they'll threaten to take Andrew (and probably the soon to be new baby) again even though I never did anything legally wrong and never put my son in any danger what-so-ever. God I hate those fuckers. All they've done this whole case if twist up anything either of us have said to try to get their way.
My mind has just become numb again... I haven't told my family that I'm pregnant again yet, and I really don't want to or know how to. I already know how they're going to take it, and I don't want to deal with it, but I don't know how to tell them. I mean, I'm like 31 weeks along already, the due date is like the middle of October. And I want to wait until after this court crap is done because then I can figure out what I'm really gonna do becuase then I'll know where Ryan will be. They still don't like him, and they probably never will. But you know what, it seems like everyone that knows him (like friends and family) knows that what he's charged with he would never do. How can the government really know what someone says they're gonna do is what they're gonna do. *sigh* They ccan't prove the intent someone really had until they''ve actually done it.
In good news, Ryan and his mom are visiting this weekend. My family doesn't know about that either. And they won't know about hte Ryan part for sure, I'll have to figure out how ot tell them his mom came to visit though because they're bringing patches and Jinx for me to keep since the trial is coming up soon. But Andrew (and the new unborn baby) is her grandchild too, and she has a right to see him just as much as my family does. So they can't do anything about it.
I honestly feel like I need a break from reality right now, like I can't deal with it anymore. But thats not possible. Shoot, I'd actually really like to be admitted to the hospital just to get back into a sain attitude again.
I guess in more good news, I like my new job. I think its fun. But once again, nothing I have is good enough for my family. What do they really expect. You can't find a $15/hr job in Tucson for someone with my work skills and abilities. So $9/hr is pretty damn good. But no... "that doesn't seem like that job will go anywhere for you" wtf are you talking about, its great work experience becuase 1. it will open up the possiblities for doing something similar in the future and 2. I now have a better idea of what I really would like to do in the future. I'm currently working with people with developmental disabilities and old people that need help getting everyday things done. I work with 2 families currently, 1 is a 94 year old lady that needs me to turn on the shower for her (I don't have to bathe her, just litterly turn on the shower and sit in the bathroom to make sure she doesn't fall of her bench in the shower) and do her laundry becuase she can't read what the washing machine and dryer says. And the 2nd family is with a 13year old boy that is autistic and has down syndrome. He can't talk, and doesn't really come out of his room much. But I go there and help his mom out with watching him so she can go out and get things done like grocery shopping and whatever she wants to do really. But I just get him juice and food, and he's not potty trained either, but luckily I haven't had to change his diaper yet, his mom has been there everytime so far. mostly becuase she knows I've never done anything like this before so she's kinda training me. But I really like it so far, its an easy job, but honestly I like these people more than most "normal" people. Its a good feeling when I leave the kids house for the day and go say bye to him and he just gets this big smile and you can just tell he liked me being there. He even holds my hand sometimes and when he wants people to be around he makes me sit right next to him, he practically sits on top of me at those times lol. So yeah, I'd really like to do soething like this, maybe now I can figure out what to go to college for!
The stress of Ryan's upcoming trial is starting to really get to me. I wish it would just get here already becuase its almost unbearable to think about anymore. His lawyer said that the odds of him not getting convicted are the odds of what a black man being accused of raping a white woman in the 1950ish time were. Which is not very good. So I guess now we're just praying for a miracle... or at the least, probation. The messed up part about this whole case is, I would be a great witness for him, becuase I figured out how to put why he did it into words (for hte most part at least... and its partly becasue of me) but I can't even go to his court date because if I get up there and say anything that the state doesn't like they'll threaten to take Andrew (and probably the soon to be new baby) again even though I never did anything legally wrong and never put my son in any danger what-so-ever. God I hate those fuckers. All they've done this whole case if twist up anything either of us have said to try to get their way.
My mind has just become numb again... I haven't told my family that I'm pregnant again yet, and I really don't want to or know how to. I already know how they're going to take it, and I don't want to deal with it, but I don't know how to tell them. I mean, I'm like 31 weeks along already, the due date is like the middle of October. And I want to wait until after this court crap is done because then I can figure out what I'm really gonna do becuase then I'll know where Ryan will be. They still don't like him, and they probably never will. But you know what, it seems like everyone that knows him (like friends and family) knows that what he's charged with he would never do. How can the government really know what someone says they're gonna do is what they're gonna do. *sigh* They ccan't prove the intent someone really had until they''ve actually done it.
In good news, Ryan and his mom are visiting this weekend. My family doesn't know about that either. And they won't know about hte Ryan part for sure, I'll have to figure out how ot tell them his mom came to visit though because they're bringing patches and Jinx for me to keep since the trial is coming up soon. But Andrew (and the new unborn baby) is her grandchild too, and she has a right to see him just as much as my family does. So they can't do anything about it.
I honestly feel like I need a break from reality right now, like I can't deal with it anymore. But thats not possible. Shoot, I'd actually really like to be admitted to the hospital just to get back into a sain attitude again.
I guess in more good news, I like my new job. I think its fun. But once again, nothing I have is good enough for my family. What do they really expect. You can't find a $15/hr job in Tucson for someone with my work skills and abilities. So $9/hr is pretty damn good. But no... "that doesn't seem like that job will go anywhere for you" wtf are you talking about, its great work experience becuase 1. it will open up the possiblities for doing something similar in the future and 2. I now have a better idea of what I really would like to do in the future. I'm currently working with people with developmental disabilities and old people that need help getting everyday things done. I work with 2 families currently, 1 is a 94 year old lady that needs me to turn on the shower for her (I don't have to bathe her, just litterly turn on the shower and sit in the bathroom to make sure she doesn't fall of her bench in the shower) and do her laundry becuase she can't read what the washing machine and dryer says. And the 2nd family is with a 13year old boy that is autistic and has down syndrome. He can't talk, and doesn't really come out of his room much. But I go there and help his mom out with watching him so she can go out and get things done like grocery shopping and whatever she wants to do really. But I just get him juice and food, and he's not potty trained either, but luckily I haven't had to change his diaper yet, his mom has been there everytime so far. mostly becuase she knows I've never done anything like this before so she's kinda training me. But I really like it so far, its an easy job, but honestly I like these people more than most "normal" people. Its a good feeling when I leave the kids house for the day and go say bye to him and he just gets this big smile and you can just tell he liked me being there. He even holds my hand sometimes and when he wants people to be around he makes me sit right next to him, he practically sits on top of me at those times lol. So yeah, I'd really like to do soething like this, maybe now I can figure out what to go to college for!