I need to call a time-out from life
why is it that every time I meet someone who I think I could have relationship possiblities with I somehow fuck things up or turn out to not be good enough for them? The only thing I want in life (aside from being in a band) is to be loved. For a while I've given up on the love part. It's been 2 years since I've even met anyone who I connected with in a way that I saw myself dating, but that turned out to be a flop as well. And now I have yet again, but... it's hopeless. I just wish I could stop messing things up for myself. I'm sure once my band starts playing and stuff more girls will approach me, but then again that's only because I'm in a band.... not because they like WHO I am, just WHAT I am. I am NOT in a band to score with chicks. I am in a band to express myself, to have fun, to put smiles on people's faces, and, hopefully, to impact someone's life, somehow. That's my purpose. I just wish I had someone in my life to share this goal/passion with.
Random girls will IM me from myspace every now and then, and sure they're cute, and they tell me they think I'm hot, but it's meaningless to me. So what if you're cute and you think I'm hot. I want someone who I can connect with, share interests with, etc. I don't want a hot slutty girl who goes from band to band. Like I said I want something more. Not flings. If I can't feel connected to you in some way then anything beyond friendship is a waste of both our times. From being here at MSU for 3 years, I've only met 2 girls who I feel this connection with.
Most girls here won't approach me cuz of how I look. As intimidating or 'hardcore' as I look, I am a sensitive guy, and I do enjoy doing the simple things. I like to go out to movies or some kind of date, go to dinner, go out and eat ice cream, walk and hold hands, cuddle. I miss all that; it makes me happy. I like to show up with a surprise gift every now and then. I like the feeling of knowing that I am making someone happy, that the smile on their face is there because of something I did. And I like the feeling of knowing that someone cares about me. I want someone to sit with me when I get depressed or stressed out, and tell me it'll be okay. I want someone to believe in me and the things I do. Without that, there is this empty space in my heart that lets life's cold air flow through me each and every day. And it will never go away. I'm growing up too fast and I don't want to continue growing up alone all the time.
I need more friends? I mean there are people who I talk to from time to time, and who I see at local shows all the time and we chat, but I need friends around here, to hang out with. To talk to for more than 10 or 20 minutes at a show or online. I sit home all the time because I have no friends who invite me anywhere; to parties, to hang out, to do anything. Alfonso is the only person who I regularly hang out with, almost daily. He's one of the coolest people I've ever met, and my BEST friend in the world. I just wish I had more 'good' friends to hang with. I'm always stuck here doing nothing.
College is becoming a stressful hassle to me. I can't seem to do good anymore. I know I don't study as much as I should, but a part of me doesn't really care. It's sad. I just wish I could work full time right now. Or at least take a break for a semester or two, and just work. I am thinking about dropping all but 1 class this next semester. It would be so much easier on me, but then again if I keep dropping classes I'll be here forever. I mean I want to graduate, I don't want to continue to be a failure, but it's just... I need to call a time-out from life.
I know I sound "emo" or whatever the fuck you want to call it, but everyone has emotions so everyone is "emo" and I hate when people classify things as "emo" cuz it's retarded. My dog is emo cuz he loves to see me and wags his lil tail. I try to do things to occupy my time, so I don't think about things all the time, but there's just times when I become totally depressed and I can't stop thinking about it. When I lie down to go to bed at night, and everything is silent, my mind just starts wandering. I should start taking sleeping pills so I can instantly doze off and bypass this whole 'thinking about things for 2 hours' every night. People tell me to cheer up, but it's harder than you think. You don't know what I'm thinking or how I feel inside. I hope you never know the feelings I've felt.
I wish there was an answer.