I'VE GOT IT BAD
Oh G-d the awkwardness of it all, being so nervous to say anything. Such a coward I am at times. But this has a happy ending...er happy beginning.
I spend hours on Skype just talking about whatever with her until she needed to go and do things. What time was that...8:30pmish? Really, who is looking at the clock? I count time in the number of skipped beats of my heart; it was something like 6 at that point. I tell myself I just need to do it. I flipped a coin, and it was heads, which meant I needed to get it over with. I stall a little, with the help of Mary's messages because David is there and I don't want to embarrass her if she doesn't like me back and thinks I'm weird. Mary tells me to be brave, but that she could 3-way us and be really annoying to get rid of David. How graceful of a decision that would have been! But I knew I could do it.
He leaves. Seriously choking on my own emotions, I tell her I need to get it out because it's killing me. "I'm really attracted to you." Just 5 words, why is that so hard? Well, maybe because if you count the contraction, then it's actually 6. Heart racing, I stumble over "I'm sorry's" and "I was really awkward and nervous all weekend."And the stubborn smile can't be wiped off my face as gut wrenching confessions continue to just spew out of my mouth. I also mention that I'd be willing to see her in August. Vulnerability is a bitch.
And then, quite literally a few seconds into this seemingly eternal confession, she says it back.
I am delightfully shocked, but now we're struggling even more as we say our goodbyes. She had to go, right? Should I have let her? In retrospect, that was probably a bad idea. I think we think our lives are just great...and then hang up!
Mary B calls me and wants to know how it went. Of course this whole time, i.e. the 2.5 months or so, she has been my savior through the rollercoaster of my own detrimental emotions. Ah crushing on someone. We shared moments of fun talking about it in the past, but this was the celebratory Skype! We quickly ended up phoning in Jasmine as Mary took to a double-shafted blunt. I took on some Spice and Jasmine was probably bored out of her mind. We decided to take pictures at one point after Mary stopped talking so much (Mary on weed runs her mouth like it's in a marathon; not a horrible thing, because I have that problem sober). As Jasmine escaped the chaos to get some milk for her Fruit Loops and Pops, Mary said so sweetly, "Casti?!" And then followed it by a devious, "Get it gurl!" I shied away from the camera, and told her to stop it. "Stop yoself!"
She came back online and I was all awkward nervous when Jasmine was like, "Why isn't that ho joining our call?"
"Uh I guess I should call her so she can join," was my reluctant response. Don't get me wrong; I wanted more face time with her, but not having had extensive conversation about what our feelings meant or anything, the Skype Orgy was just gonna be weird. But in a good way lol. I was just afraid people might read my quiet shyness as a sign that something happened. Eventually, the 6 people wound down to Rachel, her, and I.
Can you say cockward?! Lol but in all honesty, I think after convention, Rachel and I are able to have some good convo so when she stepped away for a minute we were able to talk deeply about some hard topics. We took some funny face photos, and then I left both of them around...midnight? One? I think skipped beats put it at 11. I signed off Skype instantly, being genuinely tired and wanted to get some sleep. But of course, no sleep really happened. Any sleep was in between crazy bouts of tossing and turning, and feeling those little guys flapping around in my stomach.
The next day, I took it easy; after getting a text message that we were able to Skype again later that evening, I went to the beach. This fish needed a chance to get closer to the ocean to relax. I slept a little at the beach, then came home and slept a little there, too. Michael hadn't called me at 5-6ish when he said he would so I shot him a text. He woke me up with a call around 7:30 and we talked about his partner and their connectivity for a while. He asks me what's up and I can't contain myself. He laughs at me knowing my happiness of the situation. He lets me go around 8:30, which means I needed to occupy myself for a few minutes while I await this next Skype date.
It was really quite everything I wanted and more right then. We got the awkward stuff out of the way in the middle via a back and forth question and answer session. I am content knowing we're proactive about it, and that we have scheduled some time to figure out us despite the fact that we live 1,000 miles apart.
Life.just.got.fabulous!
To do: Plan accordingly to be open about this, prepare myself to be vulnerably awkward when in AZ, don't get worried about details, breathe, board a plane, go on first date. Phew!
I spend hours on Skype just talking about whatever with her until she needed to go and do things. What time was that...8:30pmish? Really, who is looking at the clock? I count time in the number of skipped beats of my heart; it was something like 6 at that point. I tell myself I just need to do it. I flipped a coin, and it was heads, which meant I needed to get it over with. I stall a little, with the help of Mary's messages because David is there and I don't want to embarrass her if she doesn't like me back and thinks I'm weird. Mary tells me to be brave, but that she could 3-way us and be really annoying to get rid of David. How graceful of a decision that would have been! But I knew I could do it.
He leaves. Seriously choking on my own emotions, I tell her I need to get it out because it's killing me. "I'm really attracted to you." Just 5 words, why is that so hard? Well, maybe because if you count the contraction, then it's actually 6. Heart racing, I stumble over "I'm sorry's" and "I was really awkward and nervous all weekend."And the stubborn smile can't be wiped off my face as gut wrenching confessions continue to just spew out of my mouth. I also mention that I'd be willing to see her in August. Vulnerability is a bitch.
And then, quite literally a few seconds into this seemingly eternal confession, she says it back.
I am delightfully shocked, but now we're struggling even more as we say our goodbyes. She had to go, right? Should I have let her? In retrospect, that was probably a bad idea. I think we think our lives are just great...and then hang up!
Mary B calls me and wants to know how it went. Of course this whole time, i.e. the 2.5 months or so, she has been my savior through the rollercoaster of my own detrimental emotions. Ah crushing on someone. We shared moments of fun talking about it in the past, but this was the celebratory Skype! We quickly ended up phoning in Jasmine as Mary took to a double-shafted blunt. I took on some Spice and Jasmine was probably bored out of her mind. We decided to take pictures at one point after Mary stopped talking so much (Mary on weed runs her mouth like it's in a marathon; not a horrible thing, because I have that problem sober). As Jasmine escaped the chaos to get some milk for her Fruit Loops and Pops, Mary said so sweetly, "Casti?!" And then followed it by a devious, "Get it gurl!" I shied away from the camera, and told her to stop it. "Stop yoself!"
She came back online and I was all awkward nervous when Jasmine was like, "Why isn't that ho joining our call?"
"Uh I guess I should call her so she can join," was my reluctant response. Don't get me wrong; I wanted more face time with her, but not having had extensive conversation about what our feelings meant or anything, the Skype Orgy was just gonna be weird. But in a good way lol. I was just afraid people might read my quiet shyness as a sign that something happened. Eventually, the 6 people wound down to Rachel, her, and I.
Can you say cockward?! Lol but in all honesty, I think after convention, Rachel and I are able to have some good convo so when she stepped away for a minute we were able to talk deeply about some hard topics. We took some funny face photos, and then I left both of them around...midnight? One? I think skipped beats put it at 11. I signed off Skype instantly, being genuinely tired and wanted to get some sleep. But of course, no sleep really happened. Any sleep was in between crazy bouts of tossing and turning, and feeling those little guys flapping around in my stomach.
The next day, I took it easy; after getting a text message that we were able to Skype again later that evening, I went to the beach. This fish needed a chance to get closer to the ocean to relax. I slept a little at the beach, then came home and slept a little there, too. Michael hadn't called me at 5-6ish when he said he would so I shot him a text. He woke me up with a call around 7:30 and we talked about his partner and their connectivity for a while. He asks me what's up and I can't contain myself. He laughs at me knowing my happiness of the situation. He lets me go around 8:30, which means I needed to occupy myself for a few minutes while I await this next Skype date.
It was really quite everything I wanted and more right then. We got the awkward stuff out of the way in the middle via a back and forth question and answer session. I am content knowing we're proactive about it, and that we have scheduled some time to figure out us despite the fact that we live 1,000 miles apart.
Life.just.got.fabulous!
To do: Plan accordingly to be open about this, prepare myself to be vulnerably awkward when in AZ, don't get worried about details, breathe, board a plane, go on first date. Phew!