SO MY GIRLFRIEND... (THIS IS FOR YOU)
Is a douche making me feel guilty about not writing in my journal about her. What's up with that?! I don't see long strides for her to write in myyyyy journal. But I'm jus sayin.
I don't know I think about my girlfriend all the time. Which is devestating cause I miss her so much so I try not to think about her and then I end up hanging out with friends to not think about how much I miss her and then she calls me and I miss opportunities to talk to her. But I think it's worth it. Cause otherwise I'd be antisocial and people would dislike me and want me to hang out more and I'd be feeling more and more restricted and self-limiting while also feeling frustrated at myself and the predicament.
Ultimately what it comes down to is self. I don't really think I've thought about myself a lot during my life. I kind of ignored things like my behavior or pet peeves, things that were definitions of myself, my behaviors, and my feelings. I only saw the results of them in others. I think Noemi really helped me see myself. And who knew I was so cool? ;P (lol)
For example, I never really liked my dad. He used to be a drunkard who hit my mom, my brother, and I. He was also emotionally abusive, and I forgave him in my heart because I can't keep things like that as grudges but I never told him he is forgiven. I am not sure I can give him that. I just read Noemi a book about something very similar. It brought back memories and emotions, and eventually I arrived at the amazingly surprising conclusion that I miss my father.
I miss the new him, though, definitely not the new one. He has changed a bit. He quit smoking and drinking and remarried and probably really loves his new family. But I hope to G-d, for some random reason, he hasn't forgotten about his first-born son and daughter. I think because Noemi helped me learn who I was, I am more and more curious to know who he is and what his life has been like. All 22 years that I haven't really known him. I want to know my sister, and my other mom. She is a caring person, even if she is not the person I wish my dad had married (I wish he had married a feminist to show him how sexist he has been before...the only real flaw I see in him now).
Because I was particularly sad realizing this, Noemi has also blessed me with the news that she is to see me in a little more than a week. I may have been cruel to her in ways lately because of my emotions that I feel like I don't express to her anymore because there isn't any time to. I feel like things that I do or feel during the day are lost because I don't share them with her anymore. I mean I do, but not as often as I would like to. Maybe I'm being selfish when I want to, but somehow it makes me feel like she isn't a part of the life I'm living day to day. It's a sad thing to admit, but I don't know how else to say it. I've been realizing that I'm confiding more often in friends or long journal entries and am just hoping she gets a chance to read these things. Like this one. I have intended it for her, but if she will read it, I cannot know now.
But I have faith she will read it one day, if not today or tomorrow. I just hope when she leaves me in 2 weeks (ish), I won't be super depressed.
AnyWAYYYY. I'm in a particularly goofy mood. I thought if I woke up early I could wash my ASU MU shirt and have it dry before I went to work but alas the shirt was still wet despite the fact that I put it outside and the high today is supposed to be 112. That means it's probably already in the 90s.
Off to check myspace and my email. I need to mail that phone rebate today. I don't have stamps so I best mail it after I get some, after I get off work and hope the mail hasn't been picked up yet.
I don't know I think about my girlfriend all the time. Which is devestating cause I miss her so much so I try not to think about her and then I end up hanging out with friends to not think about how much I miss her and then she calls me and I miss opportunities to talk to her. But I think it's worth it. Cause otherwise I'd be antisocial and people would dislike me and want me to hang out more and I'd be feeling more and more restricted and self-limiting while also feeling frustrated at myself and the predicament.
Ultimately what it comes down to is self. I don't really think I've thought about myself a lot during my life. I kind of ignored things like my behavior or pet peeves, things that were definitions of myself, my behaviors, and my feelings. I only saw the results of them in others. I think Noemi really helped me see myself. And who knew I was so cool? ;P (lol)
For example, I never really liked my dad. He used to be a drunkard who hit my mom, my brother, and I. He was also emotionally abusive, and I forgave him in my heart because I can't keep things like that as grudges but I never told him he is forgiven. I am not sure I can give him that. I just read Noemi a book about something very similar. It brought back memories and emotions, and eventually I arrived at the amazingly surprising conclusion that I miss my father.
I miss the new him, though, definitely not the new one. He has changed a bit. He quit smoking and drinking and remarried and probably really loves his new family. But I hope to G-d, for some random reason, he hasn't forgotten about his first-born son and daughter. I think because Noemi helped me learn who I was, I am more and more curious to know who he is and what his life has been like. All 22 years that I haven't really known him. I want to know my sister, and my other mom. She is a caring person, even if she is not the person I wish my dad had married (I wish he had married a feminist to show him how sexist he has been before...the only real flaw I see in him now).
Because I was particularly sad realizing this, Noemi has also blessed me with the news that she is to see me in a little more than a week. I may have been cruel to her in ways lately because of my emotions that I feel like I don't express to her anymore because there isn't any time to. I feel like things that I do or feel during the day are lost because I don't share them with her anymore. I mean I do, but not as often as I would like to. Maybe I'm being selfish when I want to, but somehow it makes me feel like she isn't a part of the life I'm living day to day. It's a sad thing to admit, but I don't know how else to say it. I've been realizing that I'm confiding more often in friends or long journal entries and am just hoping she gets a chance to read these things. Like this one. I have intended it for her, but if she will read it, I cannot know now.
But I have faith she will read it one day, if not today or tomorrow. I just hope when she leaves me in 2 weeks (ish), I won't be super depressed.
AnyWAYYYY. I'm in a particularly goofy mood. I thought if I woke up early I could wash my ASU MU shirt and have it dry before I went to work but alas the shirt was still wet despite the fact that I put it outside and the high today is supposed to be 112. That means it's probably already in the 90s.
Off to check myspace and my email. I need to mail that phone rebate today. I don't have stamps so I best mail it after I get some, after I get off work and hope the mail hasn't been picked up yet.