C.D.K.
****So I never do this, because I tend to find it very annoying when other's do it, but tonight I feel rather compelled...This entry is directed towards a particular person, she knows who she is, hopefully.... this is just just because this is probably the easiest outlet to write and rant to her, so heregoes... So, if this is Not directed towards you, then please bear with me for just this one entry...I promiss this won't be a regular ocurance...I'll be back to fangirling over Allison, Stockard, Bette, and Meryl sooner than you know it. :) ****
Oh goodness. Today was a rather interesting day for me today. A day in fact that I Really could ha.ve used your help, or just your shoulder to lean on. Things have been really sort of falling into perspective for me lately. I don't know, maybe it's because High school is over and i can try to leave all that shit behind me, or perhaps it's that I move in approx. 5 days...I don't know, i just feel like I have changed...and tonight talking to sam, she sort of helped put it into some kind of perspective...she thinks that because of all the shit that we went through with my dad's accident, and now my mom and sister's problem, that I had to take things upon myself and sort of hold everything in, because if I didnt, my "Glue" that i suppy that holds everything together, would be watered down and everything would crumble. Jesus christ that's a bad analogy, but we'll run with that for now. I feel like I am just really ready to leave all of my past behind me. And the weird thing is, that I am already doing that subconsciously, Like just by the way my personality and attitude has changed this summer. Like it's surreal, people that i have always been so close with are now strangers to me. I feel like they don't even know me anymore, (Which i don't think they do), and, this will sound horrible, I dont really want them to. I'm done with it. Like It's almost as if I dont really need them anymore. When i am with them, it's as if we were never even close, I dont feel connected to them, and everything is very awkward. I know I should feel really bad or guilty or what the fuck ever over this, but it's almost healing in a way, because i look at them now, and I see the past. Like i see the life that I had in high school, and all the sillyness and the bullshit, and just the immaturity. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am still the wild-child goofball who loves a laugh and go on adventures, but that's not ALL that I am anymore, and I'm so fucking sick of people expecting that from me 24/7...you know? some days, I just want to chill. I don't want to have to be the life of the party, the bubbly outgoing ringleader that keeps everyone up and having a good time. Some days, I just want to relax. I think tonight is one of those days....so of course, when some people see me like this, keep in mind, I'm perfecty fine, like it's not as if I'm moping around or acting like some depressed and emotional "Woe is me" wreck, I'm just laid back, and at ease, ALWAYS the first things out of people's mouths is "What's wrong?" or "You okay?" ...Oh My God...YES i am fucking okay, jesus fucking christ, what the hell do you want from me, I am just going with the flow, god forbid i take a break from being your own little personaly entertainment machine, just to go with the flow and let someone else be the leader of the pack....I mean come on.............but of course i dont say that, usually i just reply with "Yeah, I'm perfectly fine" in which they usually persist to badger me the entire night, which then makes me NOT fine, it makes me peeved and pissed...it's a lose-lose battle... It's really interesting...I feel that you and sam are really the only one's who actually get me...I think nobody else ever has. and now that i'm not putting on my act that i have perfected all the time, everyone get's all confused and weird. Oh man, I don't even really know Col. Perhaps I am just having a sort of down night, or week for that matter, or maybe, I am JUST finally starting to see things how they really are, and not my sugar coated, rose colored jumble that I'm used to....who fucking knows. Perhaps this is just a mood, and tomorrow I will be back to my "regular" outgoing, spritely and bubbly self...there's just no telling. What I can tell, is, I think i'm actually starting to become happier, like happier within myself, just because i AM branching out and spreading my wings...I know it's going to be a bitch and hard at first, but I get to restart my life, and this time, i know i will be able to make better calls on a lot of shit and filter through all the nonsense that might have clogged me up before. It's exhilerating. I really want nothing more than to spend all that time sharing it with you, and going through it all with you by my side. But, seeing as geography is against us, I suppose i will have to settle with the fact that i will have to do it by myself, but i won't be "alone". I know that i always have you to guide me along, and know whats the best thing to do, even if you can't actually take my hand and guide me along yourself. Jeeze. I really don't know what else to say on that subject, except for Thank You for being the glue that keeps ME together, for I know without you, I would still be lost in the fog.....As Paul Child said to julia: "You're the Butter to my Bread, The Breathe to my Life, I love you." NOW, It's time for me to begin....And i think i might actually be ready....crazy isnt it? :)
Btw.....'Julie & Julia' was sublime.....trully genius. You go Meryl. :)
Oh goodness. Today was a rather interesting day for me today. A day in fact that I Really could ha.ve used your help, or just your shoulder to lean on. Things have been really sort of falling into perspective for me lately. I don't know, maybe it's because High school is over and i can try to leave all that shit behind me, or perhaps it's that I move in approx. 5 days...I don't know, i just feel like I have changed...and tonight talking to sam, she sort of helped put it into some kind of perspective...she thinks that because of all the shit that we went through with my dad's accident, and now my mom and sister's problem, that I had to take things upon myself and sort of hold everything in, because if I didnt, my "Glue" that i suppy that holds everything together, would be watered down and everything would crumble. Jesus christ that's a bad analogy, but we'll run with that for now. I feel like I am just really ready to leave all of my past behind me. And the weird thing is, that I am already doing that subconsciously, Like just by the way my personality and attitude has changed this summer. Like it's surreal, people that i have always been so close with are now strangers to me. I feel like they don't even know me anymore, (Which i don't think they do), and, this will sound horrible, I dont really want them to. I'm done with it. Like It's almost as if I dont really need them anymore. When i am with them, it's as if we were never even close, I dont feel connected to them, and everything is very awkward. I know I should feel really bad or guilty or what the fuck ever over this, but it's almost healing in a way, because i look at them now, and I see the past. Like i see the life that I had in high school, and all the sillyness and the bullshit, and just the immaturity. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am still the wild-child goofball who loves a laugh and go on adventures, but that's not ALL that I am anymore, and I'm so fucking sick of people expecting that from me 24/7...you know? some days, I just want to chill. I don't want to have to be the life of the party, the bubbly outgoing ringleader that keeps everyone up and having a good time. Some days, I just want to relax. I think tonight is one of those days....so of course, when some people see me like this, keep in mind, I'm perfecty fine, like it's not as if I'm moping around or acting like some depressed and emotional "Woe is me" wreck, I'm just laid back, and at ease, ALWAYS the first things out of people's mouths is "What's wrong?" or "You okay?" ...Oh My God...YES i am fucking okay, jesus fucking christ, what the hell do you want from me, I am just going with the flow, god forbid i take a break from being your own little personaly entertainment machine, just to go with the flow and let someone else be the leader of the pack....I mean come on.............but of course i dont say that, usually i just reply with "Yeah, I'm perfectly fine" in which they usually persist to badger me the entire night, which then makes me NOT fine, it makes me peeved and pissed...it's a lose-lose battle... It's really interesting...I feel that you and sam are really the only one's who actually get me...I think nobody else ever has. and now that i'm not putting on my act that i have perfected all the time, everyone get's all confused and weird. Oh man, I don't even really know Col. Perhaps I am just having a sort of down night, or week for that matter, or maybe, I am JUST finally starting to see things how they really are, and not my sugar coated, rose colored jumble that I'm used to....who fucking knows. Perhaps this is just a mood, and tomorrow I will be back to my "regular" outgoing, spritely and bubbly self...there's just no telling. What I can tell, is, I think i'm actually starting to become happier, like happier within myself, just because i AM branching out and spreading my wings...I know it's going to be a bitch and hard at first, but I get to restart my life, and this time, i know i will be able to make better calls on a lot of shit and filter through all the nonsense that might have clogged me up before. It's exhilerating. I really want nothing more than to spend all that time sharing it with you, and going through it all with you by my side. But, seeing as geography is against us, I suppose i will have to settle with the fact that i will have to do it by myself, but i won't be "alone". I know that i always have you to guide me along, and know whats the best thing to do, even if you can't actually take my hand and guide me along yourself. Jeeze. I really don't know what else to say on that subject, except for Thank You for being the glue that keeps ME together, for I know without you, I would still be lost in the fog.....As Paul Child said to julia: "You're the Butter to my Bread, The Breathe to my Life, I love you." NOW, It's time for me to begin....And i think i might actually be ready....crazy isnt it? :)
Btw.....'Julie & Julia' was sublime.....trully genius. You go Meryl. :)