goddamnit.
i lost the opportunity that i thought i had grasped. life sucks when your shy/scared. i so incredibly angry over the fact i can't seem to get anything right or straight. i have a feeling this may be the last time. i hope. it's wasting my time, and i have to do it now. i'm so pissed at myself i can't even think. i just want people to start taking me seriously and stop categorizing me. i hope to show all those people wrong once i get myself together here. ugh, i can't think my brain is almost dead. i'm finally at the point where i don't care how hard it is to make myself change for the better, of course, and when to stop comparing lives. i sick and tired, literally. it's making me sick and exhausted once the day ends. i don't ever want to think "i don't know who i am anymore" again because it confuses me and why i'm here. there's no time for that. i'd rather be excelling in something now and then changing my mind. but that's just my point, i need to excel. i hate to say this but there are some people that are keeping me from doing so. how in the world am i going to ignore that? i can't. i just need time to do things by myself. again, time is wasting away as i keep lying to myself. it's so difficult to be myself all the time because i don't even like who i am. what the fuck is that? if i'm not comfortable with my own self then i don't except others to be. nope, not one bit. so i'm saying goodbye to my naiveness. cowardliness. shyness. dumb acts. ugliness. inflexibility. invisibility. awkwardness. and everything in which i lack there of. this is the last time. forever. i will make it, i will, i have to. maybe it all comes down to proving myself to people. maybe i just need to grow up. maybe i want to new label. well, as long as i change completely and dramatically then i will know i've done at least something right with my life. i don't like questioning my ability as a person it makes my self esteem disappear. right now it seems like everything sucks and is complete shit but its a personal fault no matter what. being in the same state of mind from childhood it definitely not good news. it's all a personal fault. no more pretending, or faking, or even trying to be invisible. i've always been behind on life. i never really know how to do anything fully. there's isn't anything im naturally doing well in. so i don't know how to work for it. i just let everybody else win. it's a shame. it's a shame. i'm in desperate need of one, just one, consistent person or thing in my life. something that isn't damaging the long run.
i've got to learn to catch up, quickly.