Bonfire Hearts
❇ Title: Bonfire Hearts for onnaonah
❇ Pairing: Kyungsoo/Jongin, Luhan/Minseok, Yixing/Junmyeon, Baekhyun/Chanyeol, EXO
❇ Rating: PG-13
❇ Length: 2,800+ words.
❇ Warnings: A very depressing fic, but nothing in particular mentioned.
❇ Author Note: Hopefully this was something along the lines you guys expected it to be, but if it is not, then I would like to apologize in advance! It would be very much appreciated if you could give me feedback :-)
❇ Summary: EXO gets asked, if given the chance, would they change every worst regret into a beautiful memory?
"If you can turn every worst regret into the most beautiful memory, would you do it?"
Of all the questions that were chosen from the hundreds of thousands fans sent in, they chose this. You can't exactly come up with an answer within a 3-second period for that, now could you? After 3 minutes of (not really complete) silence with very few muttered answers, they decided to drop the depressing topic. Ryeowook went on with the show as if nothing happened whilst his fellow guests sat dumbfounded, each feeling an emotion of their own.
3 weeks later and they were still thinking about it.
Would they leave their scars scabbed but safe or would they re-open the wound just to make things 'right'?
~ ~ ~
"Hey, Jongin?"
"Hmm?"
"Would you do it?"
Jongin looked up at his fellow group mate and answered what he always did when he was asked, "I don't know, would you?"
Chanyeol gave an uncommitted shrug and continued with his mixing. Kyungsoo, whom was also present, looked down at his small hands. It was with these calloused skin that he committed his crime.
4 years ago, Do Kyungsoo broke a boy's heart.
It was endearing at first, the way Jongin clung to him as if he was an oxygen tank and Jongin was deprived of the air he gravely needed. There wasn't anything Jongin wouldn't do to make him happy.
Everyday he would wake up to a cute, "Goodmorning, hyung! I hope you slept well last night ♡♡♡"
It put little smiles to his face, and he really appreciated that. He appreciated the way Jongin looked at him with his shining eyes, the way Jongin's voice would soften when he spoke to him. But that was all it was; little smiles. If Jongin could give him the moon, sun and stars, he would. But what would Kyungsoo give back? The empty air he had in his hands? Or the wildflowers they picked together when they went on their little adventures at the back of their dorm building?
Jongin had everything to give, but Kyungsoo did not.
Kyungsoo tried, he truly did, but when he decided that it was a one-sided love affair, Jongin was in too deep. He would trip over his words if Kyungsoo looked his way, as if he was tongue-tied over how Kyungsoo gave him the honour of his time.
"I'm sorry, Jongin, but I don't think I can do this."
Jongin was mid-sentence of his story of how Jjanggu broke his mother's flower vase during his literal duck chase in their living room.
"Do what, hyung?"
Ouch, that hurt. Jongin was looking at him with his soft signature only-for-Kyungsoo smile.
"Be with you. Make you happy. Sit here and listen to you talk about your dogs and how much you love them even when they cause trouble. I can't do it, Jongin. I don't have what it takes to love you."
Jongin was staring at him then, but Kyungsoo didn't know because he was looking down at his lap, too afraid to face this truth he came upon.
It was quiet for a bit, but then Jongin spoke up.
He started asking, was it his fault? Was it something he did? Something he didn't do? All the blame, he put it upon himself. It left Kyungsoo bewildered. Did Jongin really love him this much? To not realise that he just pushed him off a cliff into ice cold water and left him to drown?
It went on that way for a week; questions Jongin asked on how to be good enough for his love.
Then the next week came and Jongin stopped asking because he knew there wasn't an answer.
Then upon final realisation, Jongin shut himself down and out. He became an empty shell of sorts. Things were never the same between them ever since.
Now, 4 years later, Kyungsoo still wonders if Jongin forgave him for what he'd done.
This was his biggest regret; to not love Jongin the way he deserved to be loved, and he would not hesitate to turn it into something beautiful albeit it being a memory.
~ ~ ~
Kim Minseok, the eldest of the group, was sitting in the dance room staring at himself in the floor-to-ceiling mirror when he decided that yes, I would change my biggest regrets into a beautiful memory. But how do you do that when your biggest regret was yourself?
Let's be real here. Minseok was no ugly duckling. He was just ugly. No hope for him to turn into the fairytale swan that everyone would be fond and jealous of.
He was constantly told to keep in shape, to improve his vocals, to be a better example to the younger ones. He was constantly told that he was not good enough to be apart of this group. He was unfit, unworthy, a waste of time, energy and money.
Though his group mates insistently convinced him that those were cruel lies, he knew it was the painful truth. There was no use sugarcoating a rotten apple.
In a sigh, he knew that he had to just go with it and wait till the Big Guy said that it was his time to go. He just hoped that the clock would tick faster because he was tired of carrying around all this skin and bones.
"You should stop that, you know? What you're thinking about isn't true in any way."
He plastered on a smile and nodded his head, though he felt sorry for the person that said that. This person was a complete idiot to bother with him, and he bothered all the time.
"Yeah."
~ ~ ~
Why does he do that? Why does he constantly berate himself over things that were complete bullshit? He should never in his right mind ever think those things. It was those assholes that put him to it. Those pathetic excuses of people that they worked for.
"Come on, Lu-ge, let's go to the gym."
3rd day in a row now. 3 days of repeated reminders of how he had to lose weight, appear better, make sure that he was worth their money.
"I think we should rest today, don't you? It's healthy to rest once in a while."
"Oh, come on. It's not healthy when I'm fat."
"Minseok, please, don't say that. That's crap. Complete bullshit!"
"I don't give two fucks if you think it's crap. What matters is what I think. This is my life."
"And you're wasting it!"
The glare Minseok sent his way could kill two grown men, but Luhan held his guard. Minseok practically stormed his way out of the room. It would be his fault if Minseok fainted for working out too hard.
And this was his regret; caring for a grown man that had barely an ounce of self-confidence. Why he couldn't just love normal people, he didn't know. He wished he could turn this into a beautiful memory. Highlight the memory, because he really couldn't continue this self-torture.
~ ~ ~
If there was anyone truly sad, it was Byun Baekhyun. He was a whole new topic entirely, and unfortunately enough, his face was the mask of a completely happy person. They say it's the clowns that are the gloomiest, because no matter how much they joke around, it's just an act. An act to push people away, to not let them see what they are really like on the inside. That was Byun Baekhyun.
Day and night, all he did was make people laugh. It worked, but not everyone was happy. One smile up, one stroke of self-esteem down. He was the mood maker, but did he have anyone he coulc drop the act to?
The answer to that is yes, he did. He had Park Chanyeol, and Chanyeol tried his best to make things okay for Baekhyun. That was all it ever could be for Baekhyun, though. Just 'okay'. Never alright, great, good, or anything better.
"But at least it's something."
That was Baekhyun's motto for when Chanyeol made him drop his demons so he could pick them up. They took turns being the joker, so it was fair share. In a way, they were both sad. But Chanyeol, he wasn't afraid to show people what he was truly feeling. He wasn't as afraid of rejection as Baekhyun was. He knew he couldn't be truly perfect, and that was a fact he accepted.
Baekhyun was terrified of rejection. All he ever craved was acceptance. He would do anything for it. That's why he had quite the reputation when he was a rookie.
It was this reputation that Chanyeol helped die down.
Chanyeol was Baekhyun's rock, the one thing that was constant in his life. Everything seemed like a tornado, but Chanyeol was the one house it didn't take. So that's where he kept shelter, under Chanyeol's caring protection. Chanyeol knew he couldn't love Baekhyun as he wanted, because next to rejection, love was second on Baekhyun's list of phobias.
~
The door clicked shut and Baekhyun's mask fell off. Chanyeol knew to make sure it didn't touch the ground, so he dived down into the depths of Bakehyun's empty void and made sure he wasn't lost forever.
"Get some rest and go eat something."
Baekhyun listened and he wasn't disappointed.
Chanyeol always used the softest of tones when he spoke to him. This tall, awkward, happy boy with all his pretty features actually cared about him.
Ah, such naivety.
"The only thing I want to eat right now is you."
His voice was deadpanned, tight, serious. No joking around, no, "Ha! Gotcha!"
"If that's what you want, then that's what I'll give you."
Tears started to form and it blurred his vision, but Chanyeol wiped it away. All the tentative touches Chanyeol gave him he kept in a dusty wooden box in the farthest edge of his fear-encroached mind.
"Please, Chanyeol, make it better. You're good at that, right?"
Chanyeol gave him a little push and he fell back onto the couch. Now all he had to do was extract himself emotionally so he wouldn't hide away as he always did during the early days of their relationship. He was only there physically and mentally, taking notes of every swipe of Chanyeol's lips on his shivering skin. If you were to look into his eyes, all you would see was nothing. This still hurt Chanyeol even after 2 years, but he accepted it as a fact that Baekhyun had to do it in order for him to seek and accept physical comfort.
Everything still seemed like a blur, because Chanyeol gave everything out so fast and Baekhyun was a slow catcher. It was always mostly one-sided, unless Baekhyun was drunk off his ass, then he would be the leading.
But this time, Baekhyun wanted to be sober. He wanted to feel the purity, the rawness of Chanyeol's unforgiving infatuation.
Chanyeol was a fool to give, and he was a fool to take.
If you looked at it the way the fans did, they were idiots in love.
The little breathy moans that streamed out of Baekhyun's mouth, the little ah, ah, ah's were the best alternative Chanyeol had. It was either fake Baekhyun, or real Baekhyun. He didn't want fake Baekhyun, it was something everyone had. What he wanted was real Baekhyun. Real Baekhyun was something Chanyeol could keep to himself. Real Baekhyun was his own little budding flower that was blooming in the rays of sunlight Chanyeol gave way to.
Chanyeol had such plump lips, and it was with those lips everything went white as heaven could be. Chanyeol made Baekhyun feel. The things Baekhyun felt were incredible, frustrating, explosive.
Baekhyun was the ticking time bomb Chanyeol tried to stop from breaking apart.
This was neither a regret not did any of them want to make into a memory.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol were each others escape from reality. They were like a boat and the sea, together they would float albeit carelessly.
~ ~ ~
If you looked hard enough, you'd be able to see the scratches on Junmyeon's shoulders. The barely-there bite marks. If you paid attention enough, you'd see the way Junmyeon looked at Yixing, and the way Yixing didn't look at Junmyeon.
Yixing was the most hypocritical one of all. The fans knew him as the angelic sweetheart that wouldn't hurt a fly, but of course, that was just an image.
He, for one, had no regrets. Nor did he think he would change them if he had any because he didn't believe there was such a thing as 'beautiful'.
If you're smart enough, you could guess that this was Junmyeon's regret. Yixing was lovely, sure, but he was also sadistic with a side of masochism. They were friends with benefits. Never less, never more.
Why Yixing chose Junmyeon was because Junmyeon was the only one who could satisfy him. He got that out of all the experiments he had with the rest of the members.
Junmyeon was fun to toy with. He was a strict pushover. A walking joke. Yixing liked to poke and prod, and he got the most reactions of out Junmyeon.
So he pushed some more, and the farther it went, the harder his games became.
Together, they were a mess. A mess as friends and a mess as partners. They were never on the same page when it wasn't about fucking. But Junmyeon knew which buttons to press while in bed. He knew what made Yixing tip over the edge. More than once, it always involved at least a bit of blood (from Yixing, of course). He was a sadist, after all.
"Leader-nim, I need your help. It's very important."
With a wink, he left.
With that wink, Junmyeon wished they were more.
With that wink, he wished he could stop.
But with also that wink, he wished it would never end.
~ ~ ~
They all had their individual regrets, but as a whole, they had one. It doesn't take a genius to guess what that regret was. And without hesitation, they would change it into a memory. But they couldn't. It was written in blood. Written in contract. Though one did manage to get away, and oh, were they jealous.
Life as an idol was not a walk in the park. It wasn't as fabulous as all those camera flashes and consistent flow of money. What you give, they take. If you gave them your all, they would take your all.
They were idiots, so they gave their all. They had nothing left of themselves to keep.
Now all they were were faked smiles and blood-shot eyes. Pretty and glossy on the outside, but filthy and rotten on the inside. If you cared enough to dig a little deeper, to go under that image they put up, you'll see what they're made of.
They were never great to start with, and this little problem of theirs made it worse. Everyone was like that, though. That's what it turned them into; human-robots made to make money. They were broken and bent, molded under the heat of pressure. All that to make them as 'perfect' as people wanted.
Every time they went on stage, the single thing they wanted to do was whisper into the mic, "Look. Open your eyes and look what you've done."
They didn't want to scream it out because it wasn't something they were proud of.
Whisper so people would lean in and listen. Whisper so people would finally pay attention. There was a time where one of them actually almost did it, but some idiot decided that no, let's keep doing this, let's keep making people happy and keep ourselves numb and sad.
As a whole, this was their regret. They knew it wasn't easy, but no one told them that it would be this hard. Everyone was homesick. Everyone wanted to go back to school, go back to the safety between textbook pages. A place where the most they'd worry about where exams and assignments.
If their fans knew, they would come off as ungrateful bastards. They wouldn't understand because all they see were these talented and gorgeous men. But of course, that's what they chose to show. The fault was on them, after all. No one but themselves to blame.
~ ~ ~
"We all know that we've got regrets we want to change into a beautiful memory, right?"
Chirpy little Baekhyun spoke up when they were on their 30 minute break.
Choosing not to lie, they all nodded.
"I wished I stayed in school a little bit longer. Make the most out of the normal life I had. I regret that I didn't."
The innocent words that tumbled out of Baekhyun's mouth was agreeable.
"None of us regret being here, right? It's hard, but we'll fight through it together. I know we can."
Nods.
All those heads that instinctively bobbed without a second thought.
One lie that led to another. It was an endless domino of empty words.
"Of course, Sehun! Why would we?"
They were peeling off skin, adamant on getting to the core of what's left of their soul just to rip it out. They had hearts of bonfire, but all that's left of it now is smoke.
❇ Pairing: Kyungsoo/Jongin, Luhan/Minseok, Yixing/Junmyeon, Baekhyun/Chanyeol, EXO
❇ Rating: PG-13
❇ Length: 2,800+ words.
❇ Warnings: A very depressing fic, but nothing in particular mentioned.
❇ Author Note: Hopefully this was something along the lines you guys expected it to be, but if it is not, then I would like to apologize in advance! It would be very much appreciated if you could give me feedback :-)
❇ Summary: EXO gets asked, if given the chance, would they change every worst regret into a beautiful memory?
"If you can turn every worst regret into the most beautiful memory, would you do it?"
Of all the questions that were chosen from the hundreds of thousands fans sent in, they chose this. You can't exactly come up with an answer within a 3-second period for that, now could you? After 3 minutes of (not really complete) silence with very few muttered answers, they decided to drop the depressing topic. Ryeowook went on with the show as if nothing happened whilst his fellow guests sat dumbfounded, each feeling an emotion of their own.
3 weeks later and they were still thinking about it.
Would they leave their scars scabbed but safe or would they re-open the wound just to make things 'right'?
~ ~ ~
"Hey, Jongin?"
"Hmm?"
"Would you do it?"
Jongin looked up at his fellow group mate and answered what he always did when he was asked, "I don't know, would you?"
Chanyeol gave an uncommitted shrug and continued with his mixing. Kyungsoo, whom was also present, looked down at his small hands. It was with these calloused skin that he committed his crime.
4 years ago, Do Kyungsoo broke a boy's heart.
It was endearing at first, the way Jongin clung to him as if he was an oxygen tank and Jongin was deprived of the air he gravely needed. There wasn't anything Jongin wouldn't do to make him happy.
Everyday he would wake up to a cute, "Goodmorning, hyung! I hope you slept well last night ♡♡♡"
It put little smiles to his face, and he really appreciated that. He appreciated the way Jongin looked at him with his shining eyes, the way Jongin's voice would soften when he spoke to him. But that was all it was; little smiles. If Jongin could give him the moon, sun and stars, he would. But what would Kyungsoo give back? The empty air he had in his hands? Or the wildflowers they picked together when they went on their little adventures at the back of their dorm building?
Jongin had everything to give, but Kyungsoo did not.
Kyungsoo tried, he truly did, but when he decided that it was a one-sided love affair, Jongin was in too deep. He would trip over his words if Kyungsoo looked his way, as if he was tongue-tied over how Kyungsoo gave him the honour of his time.
"I'm sorry, Jongin, but I don't think I can do this."
Jongin was mid-sentence of his story of how Jjanggu broke his mother's flower vase during his literal duck chase in their living room.
"Do what, hyung?"
Ouch, that hurt. Jongin was looking at him with his soft signature only-for-Kyungsoo smile.
"Be with you. Make you happy. Sit here and listen to you talk about your dogs and how much you love them even when they cause trouble. I can't do it, Jongin. I don't have what it takes to love you."
Jongin was staring at him then, but Kyungsoo didn't know because he was looking down at his lap, too afraid to face this truth he came upon.
It was quiet for a bit, but then Jongin spoke up.
He started asking, was it his fault? Was it something he did? Something he didn't do? All the blame, he put it upon himself. It left Kyungsoo bewildered. Did Jongin really love him this much? To not realise that he just pushed him off a cliff into ice cold water and left him to drown?
It went on that way for a week; questions Jongin asked on how to be good enough for his love.
Then the next week came and Jongin stopped asking because he knew there wasn't an answer.
Then upon final realisation, Jongin shut himself down and out. He became an empty shell of sorts. Things were never the same between them ever since.
Now, 4 years later, Kyungsoo still wonders if Jongin forgave him for what he'd done.
This was his biggest regret; to not love Jongin the way he deserved to be loved, and he would not hesitate to turn it into something beautiful albeit it being a memory.
~ ~ ~
Kim Minseok, the eldest of the group, was sitting in the dance room staring at himself in the floor-to-ceiling mirror when he decided that yes, I would change my biggest regrets into a beautiful memory. But how do you do that when your biggest regret was yourself?
Let's be real here. Minseok was no ugly duckling. He was just ugly. No hope for him to turn into the fairytale swan that everyone would be fond and jealous of.
He was constantly told to keep in shape, to improve his vocals, to be a better example to the younger ones. He was constantly told that he was not good enough to be apart of this group. He was unfit, unworthy, a waste of time, energy and money.
Though his group mates insistently convinced him that those were cruel lies, he knew it was the painful truth. There was no use sugarcoating a rotten apple.
In a sigh, he knew that he had to just go with it and wait till the Big Guy said that it was his time to go. He just hoped that the clock would tick faster because he was tired of carrying around all this skin and bones.
"You should stop that, you know? What you're thinking about isn't true in any way."
He plastered on a smile and nodded his head, though he felt sorry for the person that said that. This person was a complete idiot to bother with him, and he bothered all the time.
"Yeah."
~ ~ ~
Why does he do that? Why does he constantly berate himself over things that were complete bullshit? He should never in his right mind ever think those things. It was those assholes that put him to it. Those pathetic excuses of people that they worked for.
"Come on, Lu-ge, let's go to the gym."
3rd day in a row now. 3 days of repeated reminders of how he had to lose weight, appear better, make sure that he was worth their money.
"I think we should rest today, don't you? It's healthy to rest once in a while."
"Oh, come on. It's not healthy when I'm fat."
"Minseok, please, don't say that. That's crap. Complete bullshit!"
"I don't give two fucks if you think it's crap. What matters is what I think. This is my life."
"And you're wasting it!"
The glare Minseok sent his way could kill two grown men, but Luhan held his guard. Minseok practically stormed his way out of the room. It would be his fault if Minseok fainted for working out too hard.
And this was his regret; caring for a grown man that had barely an ounce of self-confidence. Why he couldn't just love normal people, he didn't know. He wished he could turn this into a beautiful memory. Highlight the memory, because he really couldn't continue this self-torture.
~ ~ ~
If there was anyone truly sad, it was Byun Baekhyun. He was a whole new topic entirely, and unfortunately enough, his face was the mask of a completely happy person. They say it's the clowns that are the gloomiest, because no matter how much they joke around, it's just an act. An act to push people away, to not let them see what they are really like on the inside. That was Byun Baekhyun.
Day and night, all he did was make people laugh. It worked, but not everyone was happy. One smile up, one stroke of self-esteem down. He was the mood maker, but did he have anyone he coulc drop the act to?
The answer to that is yes, he did. He had Park Chanyeol, and Chanyeol tried his best to make things okay for Baekhyun. That was all it ever could be for Baekhyun, though. Just 'okay'. Never alright, great, good, or anything better.
"But at least it's something."
That was Baekhyun's motto for when Chanyeol made him drop his demons so he could pick them up. They took turns being the joker, so it was fair share. In a way, they were both sad. But Chanyeol, he wasn't afraid to show people what he was truly feeling. He wasn't as afraid of rejection as Baekhyun was. He knew he couldn't be truly perfect, and that was a fact he accepted.
Baekhyun was terrified of rejection. All he ever craved was acceptance. He would do anything for it. That's why he had quite the reputation when he was a rookie.
It was this reputation that Chanyeol helped die down.
Chanyeol was Baekhyun's rock, the one thing that was constant in his life. Everything seemed like a tornado, but Chanyeol was the one house it didn't take. So that's where he kept shelter, under Chanyeol's caring protection. Chanyeol knew he couldn't love Baekhyun as he wanted, because next to rejection, love was second on Baekhyun's list of phobias.
~
The door clicked shut and Baekhyun's mask fell off. Chanyeol knew to make sure it didn't touch the ground, so he dived down into the depths of Bakehyun's empty void and made sure he wasn't lost forever.
"Get some rest and go eat something."
Baekhyun listened and he wasn't disappointed.
Chanyeol always used the softest of tones when he spoke to him. This tall, awkward, happy boy with all his pretty features actually cared about him.
Ah, such naivety.
"The only thing I want to eat right now is you."
His voice was deadpanned, tight, serious. No joking around, no, "Ha! Gotcha!"
"If that's what you want, then that's what I'll give you."
Tears started to form and it blurred his vision, but Chanyeol wiped it away. All the tentative touches Chanyeol gave him he kept in a dusty wooden box in the farthest edge of his fear-encroached mind.
"Please, Chanyeol, make it better. You're good at that, right?"
Chanyeol gave him a little push and he fell back onto the couch. Now all he had to do was extract himself emotionally so he wouldn't hide away as he always did during the early days of their relationship. He was only there physically and mentally, taking notes of every swipe of Chanyeol's lips on his shivering skin. If you were to look into his eyes, all you would see was nothing. This still hurt Chanyeol even after 2 years, but he accepted it as a fact that Baekhyun had to do it in order for him to seek and accept physical comfort.
Everything still seemed like a blur, because Chanyeol gave everything out so fast and Baekhyun was a slow catcher. It was always mostly one-sided, unless Baekhyun was drunk off his ass, then he would be the leading.
But this time, Baekhyun wanted to be sober. He wanted to feel the purity, the rawness of Chanyeol's unforgiving infatuation.
Chanyeol was a fool to give, and he was a fool to take.
If you looked at it the way the fans did, they were idiots in love.
The little breathy moans that streamed out of Baekhyun's mouth, the little ah, ah, ah's were the best alternative Chanyeol had. It was either fake Baekhyun, or real Baekhyun. He didn't want fake Baekhyun, it was something everyone had. What he wanted was real Baekhyun. Real Baekhyun was something Chanyeol could keep to himself. Real Baekhyun was his own little budding flower that was blooming in the rays of sunlight Chanyeol gave way to.
Chanyeol had such plump lips, and it was with those lips everything went white as heaven could be. Chanyeol made Baekhyun feel. The things Baekhyun felt were incredible, frustrating, explosive.
Baekhyun was the ticking time bomb Chanyeol tried to stop from breaking apart.
This was neither a regret not did any of them want to make into a memory.
Baekhyun and Chanyeol were each others escape from reality. They were like a boat and the sea, together they would float albeit carelessly.
~ ~ ~
If you looked hard enough, you'd be able to see the scratches on Junmyeon's shoulders. The barely-there bite marks. If you paid attention enough, you'd see the way Junmyeon looked at Yixing, and the way Yixing didn't look at Junmyeon.
Yixing was the most hypocritical one of all. The fans knew him as the angelic sweetheart that wouldn't hurt a fly, but of course, that was just an image.
He, for one, had no regrets. Nor did he think he would change them if he had any because he didn't believe there was such a thing as 'beautiful'.
If you're smart enough, you could guess that this was Junmyeon's regret. Yixing was lovely, sure, but he was also sadistic with a side of masochism. They were friends with benefits. Never less, never more.
Why Yixing chose Junmyeon was because Junmyeon was the only one who could satisfy him. He got that out of all the experiments he had with the rest of the members.
Junmyeon was fun to toy with. He was a strict pushover. A walking joke. Yixing liked to poke and prod, and he got the most reactions of out Junmyeon.
So he pushed some more, and the farther it went, the harder his games became.
Together, they were a mess. A mess as friends and a mess as partners. They were never on the same page when it wasn't about fucking. But Junmyeon knew which buttons to press while in bed. He knew what made Yixing tip over the edge. More than once, it always involved at least a bit of blood (from Yixing, of course). He was a sadist, after all.
"Leader-nim, I need your help. It's very important."
With a wink, he left.
With that wink, Junmyeon wished they were more.
With that wink, he wished he could stop.
But with also that wink, he wished it would never end.
~ ~ ~
They all had their individual regrets, but as a whole, they had one. It doesn't take a genius to guess what that regret was. And without hesitation, they would change it into a memory. But they couldn't. It was written in blood. Written in contract. Though one did manage to get away, and oh, were they jealous.
Life as an idol was not a walk in the park. It wasn't as fabulous as all those camera flashes and consistent flow of money. What you give, they take. If you gave them your all, they would take your all.
They were idiots, so they gave their all. They had nothing left of themselves to keep.
Now all they were were faked smiles and blood-shot eyes. Pretty and glossy on the outside, but filthy and rotten on the inside. If you cared enough to dig a little deeper, to go under that image they put up, you'll see what they're made of.
They were never great to start with, and this little problem of theirs made it worse. Everyone was like that, though. That's what it turned them into; human-robots made to make money. They were broken and bent, molded under the heat of pressure. All that to make them as 'perfect' as people wanted.
Every time they went on stage, the single thing they wanted to do was whisper into the mic, "Look. Open your eyes and look what you've done."
They didn't want to scream it out because it wasn't something they were proud of.
Whisper so people would lean in and listen. Whisper so people would finally pay attention. There was a time where one of them actually almost did it, but some idiot decided that no, let's keep doing this, let's keep making people happy and keep ourselves numb and sad.
As a whole, this was their regret. They knew it wasn't easy, but no one told them that it would be this hard. Everyone was homesick. Everyone wanted to go back to school, go back to the safety between textbook pages. A place where the most they'd worry about where exams and assignments.
If their fans knew, they would come off as ungrateful bastards. They wouldn't understand because all they see were these talented and gorgeous men. But of course, that's what they chose to show. The fault was on them, after all. No one but themselves to blame.
~ ~ ~
"We all know that we've got regrets we want to change into a beautiful memory, right?"
Chirpy little Baekhyun spoke up when they were on their 30 minute break.
Choosing not to lie, they all nodded.
"I wished I stayed in school a little bit longer. Make the most out of the normal life I had. I regret that I didn't."
The innocent words that tumbled out of Baekhyun's mouth was agreeable.
"None of us regret being here, right? It's hard, but we'll fight through it together. I know we can."
Nods.
All those heads that instinctively bobbed without a second thought.
One lie that led to another. It was an endless domino of empty words.
"Of course, Sehun! Why would we?"
They were peeling off skin, adamant on getting to the core of what's left of their soul just to rip it out. They had hearts of bonfire, but all that's left of it now is smoke.