Forgiveness: What Gives?
Q: Should I forgive people who have done me wrong?
A: Only if you want to feel better.
SAY WHAAAT?
That's right, YOU. Forgiveness is fundamentally -- and almost universally -- misunderstood. Forgiveness is not something you do for the sake of the forgivee. It is something you do for yourself.
PLEASE EXPLAIN YOURSELF
Let's assume that now, at square one, you feel bad about something that happened. Mad, even. Someone did you wrong. Your feelings are hurt. You are in pain. You are angry, and you feel like you will never, maybe SHOULD never, forgive the person who made you feel this way.
Perhaps you have heard that it is bad to deny your anger, and that is surely true. But the continuum of reactions to anger looks something like this:
< - DENY IT - - - - - FEEL IT - - - - - HOLD IT - >
...and it is just as detrimental to your health to hold on to your anger as it is to deny it.
The event that caused you pain is already in the past, over, done. It only exists in your mind, where, without forgiveness, you can hold that grudge forever. But realize that the ONLY thing you are doing is making yourself suffer -- that is all. Take responsibility for the fact that you are making a choice to suffer; that your suffering is the SUM TOTAL of the effects of your grudge. Your anger does not avenge any wrongdoing, nor does it punish the wrongdoer. Your grudge does not protect you from future harm. However you think anger benefits you, it does not.
WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:
BUT SO HOW EXACTLY DO I FORGIVE SOMEONE?
Well that probably deserves a post of its own, and I'm not an expert on the process. But if you want to experiment with forgiving someone, just... try it. Because forgiveness is about you, you don't have to say anything to the object of your resentment. You can forgive them right now, from your chair. Just DO IT. Forgive. Move on. FEEL BETTER.
Disclaimer: Similar to the karma disclaimer. Pain and suffering rooted in childhood trauma is clearly not a failing of forgiveness on the part of the victim. And certain traumas, experienced at any age, cause psychological and physiological problems in the victim that cannot be addressed only with forgiveness, either. As usual, I'm less interested in extreme cases here, rather the everyday resentments that plague us unnecessarily.
A: Only if you want to feel better.
SAY WHAAAT?
That's right, YOU. Forgiveness is fundamentally -- and almost universally -- misunderstood. Forgiveness is not something you do for the sake of the forgivee. It is something you do for yourself.
PLEASE EXPLAIN YOURSELF
Let's assume that now, at square one, you feel bad about something that happened. Mad, even. Someone did you wrong. Your feelings are hurt. You are in pain. You are angry, and you feel like you will never, maybe SHOULD never, forgive the person who made you feel this way.
Perhaps you have heard that it is bad to deny your anger, and that is surely true. But the continuum of reactions to anger looks something like this:
< - DENY IT - - - - - FEEL IT - - - - - HOLD IT - >
...and it is just as detrimental to your health to hold on to your anger as it is to deny it.
The event that caused you pain is already in the past, over, done. It only exists in your mind, where, without forgiveness, you can hold that grudge forever. But realize that the ONLY thing you are doing is making yourself suffer -- that is all. Take responsibility for the fact that you are making a choice to suffer; that your suffering is the SUM TOTAL of the effects of your grudge. Your anger does not avenge any wrongdoing, nor does it punish the wrongdoer. Your grudge does not protect you from future harm. However you think anger benefits you, it does not.
WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:
- a way of saying "I absolve you of responsibility for your actions."
- a way of saying "what you did was cool with me."
- a way of saying "you should keep doing stuff like that."
- a way suppressing your emotions
- a way of denying your anger
- a way of saying "I am removing you from the real estate you occupy in my head."
- a way of saying "I choose to move forward, taking responsibility for my own happiness."
- a way of saying "I refuse to place blame for my unhappiness outside of myself." (see disclaimer, below)
- a way of accepting your anger without becoming enslaved by it
- a way to suffer less -- to feel better.
BUT SO HOW EXACTLY DO I FORGIVE SOMEONE?
Well that probably deserves a post of its own, and I'm not an expert on the process. But if you want to experiment with forgiving someone, just... try it. Because forgiveness is about you, you don't have to say anything to the object of your resentment. You can forgive them right now, from your chair. Just DO IT. Forgive. Move on. FEEL BETTER.
Disclaimer: Similar to the karma disclaimer. Pain and suffering rooted in childhood trauma is clearly not a failing of forgiveness on the part of the victim. And certain traumas, experienced at any age, cause psychological and physiological problems in the victim that cannot be addressed only with forgiveness, either. As usual, I'm less interested in extreme cases here, rather the everyday resentments that plague us unnecessarily.