Sardinand-in-a-car fic
Title: Layby (crappy, but it's early here!)
Rating: R/NC-17
Wordcount: 2,326
Pairing: Rio Ferdinand/Edwin van der Sar
Authors: Co-written by speak_me_fair and aka_centimetre2.
Disclaimer: Not ours, not true. Woe.
Summary: Rio lost a bet, and is finding driving while getting a treat from a very-spastic Ed quite difficult. Crack!y and implied drug use. x-posted to footballslash.
"Rio, watch the damn road, ‘cause this is not a good position for our dead bodies to be found in by the police if we crash."
"Hur? Oh.....yeah....."
"Not that I don't find your incapacity flattering, but still..."
"Oh, thanks." Rio looked frantically for an exit to get him off the damn motorway. "Incapacity? Charming, you are."
"Completely," Ed said, and did something with his tongue which promptly had the car screeching two lanes to the right, which in turn had Ed's head making a rather nasty cracking noise on the bottom of the steering wheel. "Fucking hell - this was your idea, now concentrate!"
"It wasn't my -" Ok. Well. Yes, but.... "I am concentrrrrrr....."
"G'd. N'w ke'p 't tha' way." And damn but Ed had started to giggle, which Rio really didn't appreciate.
"I hate you." Rio cut across the middle lane and into the fast lane because at least there he could only be picked up for speeding. "I hate you I hate you I really fucking - oh yeah - hate you and if fuck me! you'd won the damn bet...."
" - I would be high at the same time and doing a damn sight better - job - of driving than you are," Ed sniggered, and clucked his tongue audibly. "Don't even try to deny it - mmm..."
"I'm not gonna deny you'd now be high, no, " Rio agreed, and congratulated himself on his coherency.
"Helps with driving, really. Traffic lights are brighter... pull down your shorts a bit more, will you? I'm getting a crick in my neck."
"You pull 'em down, y'twat," Rio snarled, and tried to lever upwards while keeping his feet on the pedals.
"Got it," Ed said cheerfully, and Rio made a mental note to get the whole damn car vacuumed the next time he was at a garage. "Much better, yes?"
There really wasn't any kind of sane response to that. "Nngh," Rio said in some sort of agreement.
It was quickly followed by an "Oh, fuck," mainly because they were headed straight for a traffic jam and he had nowhere near enough faculties left to either do stop-and-start or even try to conceal Ed's activities from neighboring cars.
Ed mumbled something that felt nice but was definitely unhelpful, and Rio gave up on life.
His eventual stop made the car make a noise that sounded like a dying elephant, but the slight pause in proceedings - minus the chorus of angry horns - made it much easier to try and convey to Ed just how aggravatedly grateful he was.
"I really, really hate you," he said grimly, gritting his teeth as he tried to look less like a man approaching one of the best orgasms of his life and more like an ordinary driver. "Really."
"And I hate you," Ed said sweetly, "which is why I'm sucking your balls off while in imminent danger of death by rollover. You're a crap liar."
"Yes, but I'm a bloody good - holy fucking God, Ed, if you do that again I will trash this car just for the hell of looking at your expression - driver...."
"Yeah? Prove it," Ed giggled, his head pulling up a few inches so he could glance, eyebrows waggling furiously, at the car in front of them, which was now a good five or six metres away. "Pull up. While I'm doing thisss..."
"Fine," Rio said in a sort of croak, doing as he was told. "Fine, fine, WHY did I think this was me winning the bet, fine...."
"Because you're an idiot?" Ed sang. "I'm looking forward to the look on your face when you return the favor and I'm just fine..."
"Dream. The fuck. On," Rio gritted out. "Now what do I do?"
"Hm?" Ed lifted his head again, and blinked at the slack-jawed stare both of them were getting from an OAP in the car on their right. "Hm. I know." He looked up, and gave a little lick at the same time. "Put on a show."
"PUT ON A -" Rio took a deep breath and made himself speak quietly. "Put on a what?"
"Put on a show. Give 'em a stroke, it'll be - funny. Hee." Ed sniggered again. "I can have the private performance later. But this - remember, your idea - this is a show."
Rio let an evil, evil smile curl his mouth up. "Funny, huh?" Without warning, he slammed his hand up against the fogging window like the girl in Titanic, trailed it down, and then leaned sideways and licked where his fingers had drawn in the condensation. The shriek from the car next to them was quite audible.
Ed nearly exploded with laughter, his shoulders jerking the steering wheel off to one side and managing to crunch the gears as he fell on the stick. "Exactly," he wheezed after a minute or so. "Perfect. Did I break the car?"
"No," Rio said through gritted teeth and the desire to join the other car in screaming. "Just me...."
"Oh? I'll have to fix you, then, preferably while keeping all my internal organs intact. Pull over.”
"Pull over where?" Rio wasn't whining. He wasn't. He was just....thinking about ways to get arrested and who the fuck had that actress been who'd ended up in court for doing this in a layby and why did every idea Ed ever had involve Rio with images in his head of just how his life had ended?
"Be creative. You're such a good driver," Ed snickered, and Rio as the traffic started moving again was finally able to summon up enough annoyance to smack the back of his head. "Ow."
"Shut up. If I have to concentrate, so do you." Rio was not letting his eyes glaze over. He was not going to cause a pile-up. He was not, he was not...
"Yes, but my concentrating means you won't be, which, despite the enjoyment all-round, would be inconvenient," Ed said, and propped his pointy elbow on Rio's thigh, his head on his hand. "I think I'll just wait a bit. Watching you stew is fun."
"Get your elbow off me," Rio growled in frustration. He'd always known people had bony bits. Obvious. But Ed had sharpened them, he just knew it. Want attention? Did your chin into someone's shoulder. Want them to go insane in traffic? Lean on your pointy, pointy bloody elbow and make them yelp for all the bad reasons.
"Ok," Ed said chirpily, and let his elbow slide slowly off, but that just had his face landing in a place which definitely was inconvenient, and had Rio torn between making a very concerted effort to leap out of his seat, and melting into a puddle of something that certainly couldn't drive for shit.
"Arrgh," he said with feeling, and joined the group of those people who thought using your horn made traffic do something.
"My ears," Ed whined. "Just find a layby or something, honestly," he added, snickering, and Rio just knew the bastard was thinking about Whoever-She-Was who had got arrested, and was probably looking gleefully forward to the look on Rio's face when it happened to them, too.
"If I could move," Rio said more nastily than he had quite meant to, "I would."
"Aha. You want me to move, then?" And Ed did, leaving Rio feeling quite annoyed and un-warm, sprawling back into his seat with his feet on the dashboard. "Your wish is my command. You might, uh, wanna cover up," he smirked. "If you're so concerned about it."
"The car! I meant the car!" Rio said, frantically trying to get himself into a state that didn't look like he was posing for one of the more expensive and considerably sleazier kind of magazines.
"Oh, right. Car." And with that Ed - who must have been high, Rio couldn't believe it had taken him this long to consider the possibility of it - opened his window (provoking extreme hunching-over activity from Rio) and started pouring shouted invective, apparently in Dutch, on the surrounding cars in an effort to get them moving.
Rio slammed his head on the steering wheel and wondered how he always ended up surrounded by chaos. In a traffic jam, even.
Oh yeah. Cos it's Ed. How could I forget?
"Hm," Ed said, his head half back in the car, looking nothing more than curiously interested about the whole debacle. "Not working. That's not fair to your dick."
"No," Rio said through gritted teeth. "It's not. And it was your idea to use the fucking bypass, so you better come up with a solution that doesn't involve screaming at people."
"Very simple. We ditch the car and go off into the woods."
"What?"
"Or we just get in the back. The way this gridlock's going I don't think we'll be moving for ages."
"We just get in the - oh God," Rio said helplessly. "You really are high. I am not ditching the car. I am not going into the back seat."
Except, as far as the last one went, he apparently was, because his dick had a stronger personality than him, and after a brief not-so-internal argument Rio had with it - it won.
"High as a kite and loving it," Ed agreed cheerfully as he shut his window and followed Rio back, not so much climbing as falling over the front seat. "Why you don't see the benefits of it I'll never know, you could do with some relaxation."
There was a whole world of explanation to that which Rio wasn't going to touch with a bargepole, because it was definitely not one that would lead to them getting anywhere good anytime soon. "Uh," he said, less than coherently.
"That's right, conversation's over," Ed sniggered, and shoved Rio back by the shoulders. "Unless you want it to continue, that is. Might be a bit difficult for me."
"Thank God," Rio said, and meant it.
"Oh, and if the traffic start moving, alright if I drive? I promise I won't crash, and I intend to make sure you are completely incapable of even putting on the emergency lights," Ed grinned.
"Yes, whatever, anything, just shut up and do something!" If he was going to lose an argument with his damned anatomy, Rio was going to make sure he got something out of it.
"Alright, keep your hair on - I've not much hope for your head," Ed sniggered, and Rio finally let his aforementioned head drop back with a groan, because if he had to get picked up for this, he was at least hoping Ed did as damn good a job as possible.
It wasn't fair that the last faint hope he had allowed himself to have was the only one answered, he thought vaguely a few seconds later, as his hands dug into the leather upholstery and he tried not to make sounds that would have embarrassed a bat.
The fact that Ed would not stop fucking laughing just put a cap on the whole thing. "Not fair," he squeaked, increasingly unable to put together words of more than one syllable, except for the thankfully appropriate enough - "Bastard. Ngh."
Ed might have said something about words of more than one syllable and not doing something or other, but Rio quite honestly didn't care.
"Fuck," he said, which pretty much covered all eventualities, and ended up giving himself a nasty whack on the head when he collapsed backwards against the door, which just added to the nice collection of sparks he'd been collecting on the corners of his vision.
Ed chose that moment to finally take mercy on him and do whatever-it-was he did with his tongue that made the sparks turn very interesting colours, made Rio scream and bite down on the back of his hand to stifle it, and then made everything go very quiet and still, which Rio thought he might just be grateful for at some point.
"I think we can brand this a good idea," Ed giggled finally over Rio's strained breathing, his hair madly ruffled where Rio's hands had been pulling at it. "Next time, hopefully, we'll get away without the complication of traffic."
"Next time?" Rio asked blankly. "What?"
"Well, you owe me one," Ed blinked, looking up innocently. "And I'm not going to give up on the prospect of this little amusement anytime soon." He wriggled up to Rio's head, sticking his nose in an ear. "Maybe you'd better retake your driver's test, hey?"
"Don' need to," Rio said, and then grinned. He'd just remembered the conversation of a few minutes ago. "You said you'd drive."
"Yes, but I can't drive and blow you at the same time," Ed smirked. "Even I'm not that good. Granted, if we get some very long lights..."
Rio just snorted. "Not quite what I was thinking -" though it was an interesting theory that he'd have to get the mad bastard to try at some point - "but hey. Whatever works for you..."
"Perfect," Ed grinned, and got up, slamming his head quite obliviously into the roof of the car before he managed to slither into the driver's seat. "Traffic's starting to move, about bloody time. Are you up for giving me my turn? Though it might be a bit insulting to me if you were up to much of anything, really."
"I wouldn't want to insult you," Rio said nicely, and made himself as comfortable as he could on the seat without having to fold up like a concertina. "That'd be bad manners." He stretched his arms out, ostentatiously lazy.
"Git!" Ed said happily, and the car made a slow roar which made Rio blink and actually consider putting on a seatbelt, which was frightening in all senses of the word.
Oh well. At least whatever it was they were going at, Ed would hit it first.
FIN