Nothing is Fixed forever and forever.
There is so much to write here and I can't really find the will or words to record them. Partly out of exhaustion and partly out of fear that I'll just break to pieces.
I'm tremendously thankful that Aoife is driving me to the airport. I know I'm going to be pitiful and teary and sad when I say good bye to her. There is a certain indignity to crying on public transport and I've already had my fair share of it this term. I'd like to leave England without adding more modes to the list.
How has 9 months of my life dissolved away so quickly. I know I'll be upset, I'll get through it. I've survived worse sadness in this past 9 months than I think I'll face in the next few. It's just so hard, So incredibly impossible to begin to understand that this is over. That there is no going back. It seems impossible to know or understand that until the week or day it actually does. How do we begin the process of telling ourselves that our life as we know it is over. I suppose though, our life is ever changing, ever ending and ever beginning. There is no stagnation. There seems though to always be the development of routinue and comfort of familiarity and when that is threatened or ends it is horrible. There is no consolation prize. You get what you can grab.
My feelings in general are overwhelming and disorienting. I have this dual desire to both hug and drown in the bath tub my time here. I will never forget the past 9 months, and they've have very much become a part of me.
My solace is that I'll be back for 2 weeks for pride and that will make more gentle my return to America, where I will very much be a stranger in my own country.
I'm tremendously thankful that Aoife is driving me to the airport. I know I'm going to be pitiful and teary and sad when I say good bye to her. There is a certain indignity to crying on public transport and I've already had my fair share of it this term. I'd like to leave England without adding more modes to the list.
How has 9 months of my life dissolved away so quickly. I know I'll be upset, I'll get through it. I've survived worse sadness in this past 9 months than I think I'll face in the next few. It's just so hard, So incredibly impossible to begin to understand that this is over. That there is no going back. It seems impossible to know or understand that until the week or day it actually does. How do we begin the process of telling ourselves that our life as we know it is over. I suppose though, our life is ever changing, ever ending and ever beginning. There is no stagnation. There seems though to always be the development of routinue and comfort of familiarity and when that is threatened or ends it is horrible. There is no consolation prize. You get what you can grab.
My feelings in general are overwhelming and disorienting. I have this dual desire to both hug and drown in the bath tub my time here. I will never forget the past 9 months, and they've have very much become a part of me.
My solace is that I'll be back for 2 weeks for pride and that will make more gentle my return to America, where I will very much be a stranger in my own country.