Dear Tina....
I don’t know what you expect me to say. Let’s forget it and move on? I can’t do that. Fair enough, I’ll say I appreciate your attempt, but the letter didn’t say anything. You just made yourself out to be the victim, in reality you weren’t. You were just one of them. You have no idea the hell me and Catherine went to, the pain that was caused. You say you’re mentally drained and it’s been hell for you? Well it wasn’t exactly rainbows and sunshine for us. I’m trying not to be a bitch, but whatever I say is going to sound that way so I might as well skip the sugar coating.
Catherine and I went through hell. I’m a strong person, I don’t show my emotions. I held Catherine back and she helped me out. You can’t for one second think your pain was greater than ours. Let’s put it this way, if it wasn’t for Catherine I certainly wouldn’t be here. You have no reason to know more, so I’m not getting into it.
As far as your letter goes it tells me nothing. It tells me you’re apologising because of what happened at the party. That doesn’t bother me, not that much anyway. What bothered me is your behaviour for weeks before, your behaviour afterwards. You said “As far as I can see I have done everything humanly possible to put things right” - So please, tell me one thing you did? I made two attempts. 1) was after the party when I tried to talk to you (2) was the second time I tried to explain to you and Manny. I went a third time with Manny, giving him the letter. Sorry I didn’t go to 3 with you but I didn’t see the point. You didn’t, and you still don’t, understand what you did. I can’t make you, I can’t show you. I don’t want too.
It wasn’t that one night that spoilt our friendship, it was your need to ruin the friendship Manny and I had. Your determination for us not to be close friends. You’ll never admit that, I realise that much. So let’s just leave that there.
Basically, Tina, I have absolutely no desire to be friends again. I will be civil; I’ll speak when spoken too. But that isn’t out of desire to be friends; that is solely to keep the rest of the group at peace. Make no mistake; we will not be friends again. I’m sort of sorry it ended like this, but I don’t believe you know what you’re sorry for. I think you only gave me the letter out of fear of being alone at school. It can’t work that way.
Again, I appreciate that you, well, tried to try. But, I can’t forgive and forget. I’ll be civil, but I don’t want to be best friends again. I got hurt too badly. Yes, I forgave Manny - the difference is he apologised knowing what he did wrong, that and I had missed him. I wanted to forgive him.
Sadly, things in this world aren’t black and white. There isn’t a line that I can draw that says if you do this and that it will result in something or other. Life isn’t that simple and I don’t want it to be.
I know you’ll show this to the rest of the group, and I know they wont understand why I’m being this way. But, like you they don’t know the pain I went through. I have a difficult home life too, and this didn’t help. I went back to a dark road over Christmas, one I never wanted to return too but this whole situation forced me down. I know they won’t get it, they’ll probably hate me for not moving on, but I cant. I’m sorry…but I simply can’t. You guys can hate me for it if you want, but if you wanted the truth…well…this is it. I can’t lie anymore.