Updates and the like...
There are actually, legitimately too many things to update here in one post... If I want to be extremely detailed with everything.
Since my last post, I was hired as a long-term sub teaching French to middle schoolers and High schoolers. I got all kinds of fucked over, and instead of teaching 6 classes, with only one prep, I ended up teaching 8 classes with 2 preps. It turns out all of the reservations I had about teaching, about teaching secondary like schools, and especially about teaching in South Carolina were true. I knew they were true, but yet, you know, I decided to go for it anyway. I do not hate my job. Let me be honest. I really don't. But there are more days than not that I am extremely frustrated, and filled with a sense of helplessness. I do try hard however, and I think that I have taken this challenge extremely well. I have an extreme dislike of giving up on things, but I know that even though I'm not going to continue with this.. and I may not keep the job until the end of the school year, it isn't giving up. Because I still actually plan to teach. This I see myself doing.. just not in the environment of which I am teaching now.
Especially at my age, I need a job that is flexible, and not restricting. This job... if they get their way, will confine me to Beaufort, and teaching French and Middle/High school ages for at least the next 5 years. NONE of that is at all alluring to me. So at least I know where I don't belong right? Though trying to move onto the next thing may prove just as "unfulfilling" though that's not really the right word.
I've also been to see Blink 182 in concert, this past september. It was absolutely amazing. I screamed 90% of the songs, I was in a music video, I was with friends, and I was able to be me, and not think about work or life ( at least too much.) And apparently I eloped during that mini vacation. Less than a month later, I went to see the Arctic Monkeys. That was just as awesome, though I wasn't able to sing along to as many of the songs. This, apparently, was my honeymoon--held at South of the border. Unfortunately I'm out of concerts until I find another one nearby.
Also, the public schools have had this week off, and I spent most of it back in Columbia. I think I miss living there more than I like to admit. Though, obviously there are parts of it that I will always miss because the people that once occupied that Columbia will most likely never be back there... I'm really itching to visit him. But I know that's a long way off, if it ever happens. I know I'm still fooling myself about him. This is actually the anniversary of the week I took off from him. I guess it's a bit easier to go a week without speaking to him.. though this time I may go longer--what with monetary constraints and trying to prove things to myself. Part of me wants to hurt him.. because he has hurt me in so many ways... But really, I never want to hurt him. I just want to wrap myself in his arms. To take him in, to look into his eyes as they lazily open and close in the morning, to feel his hand on my back, to say goodbye on the phone, knowing that I'll be seeing him in a couple of minutes. I've recreated him again. I had an ideal, which he shattered in so many ways.. And now without him here to shatter it, I have an ideal again... or rather a person I have accepted, though he won't accept that I've accepted him. People make you sad while they make you happy. I don't imagine it to be any other way... But I also really need to stop fooling myself, and stop wishing that he were here, or I with him. Because it's just...not mutual.
So who is out there for me? Where are these men? Why do I hate myself again? It's back to loving myself before others can love me again. I thought I was over it.. but here it goes again.. a never ending cycle in ridiculous insecurities.
But it's decision time in many other ways, and while this teaching situation may not be for me, I still regardless have a subbing job, and I know I will do whatever it takes to get the means of which to leave here, and get to grad school. Because, frankly, that's where I want to be, that's where I feel I should be, and it's just like I'm waiting for it right now.. But now is the time to be proactive, and really come up with a legit plan.
I met with my mentor today for lunch. We're trying to establish a French club/community thing in the neighbourhood, and I really hope it goes over well. We were supposed to have a convo thing today, but it's been moved to next Friday which is just fine because there is no school. I adore her. She is just.. full of advice, and kindness, and I would really love to be like her. I can't imagine her ever being mean to a student, but she still maintains so much control. I don't think she realises how good she is. And her husband is also an extremely sweet man, and I absolutely loved helping them set up their wi-fi and new ipad! I would love to meet up with her more regularly for sure. I think it would be helpful since my old confidant is several hundred thousand miles away...
so sorry about that mid love rant thing.. It's just... something I can't talk to anyone about. The work thing is just a matter of holding out until the find a replacement.. or until the end of the school year, whichever comes first...
Until later.
Since my last post, I was hired as a long-term sub teaching French to middle schoolers and High schoolers. I got all kinds of fucked over, and instead of teaching 6 classes, with only one prep, I ended up teaching 8 classes with 2 preps. It turns out all of the reservations I had about teaching, about teaching secondary like schools, and especially about teaching in South Carolina were true. I knew they were true, but yet, you know, I decided to go for it anyway. I do not hate my job. Let me be honest. I really don't. But there are more days than not that I am extremely frustrated, and filled with a sense of helplessness. I do try hard however, and I think that I have taken this challenge extremely well. I have an extreme dislike of giving up on things, but I know that even though I'm not going to continue with this.. and I may not keep the job until the end of the school year, it isn't giving up. Because I still actually plan to teach. This I see myself doing.. just not in the environment of which I am teaching now.
Especially at my age, I need a job that is flexible, and not restricting. This job... if they get their way, will confine me to Beaufort, and teaching French and Middle/High school ages for at least the next 5 years. NONE of that is at all alluring to me. So at least I know where I don't belong right? Though trying to move onto the next thing may prove just as "unfulfilling" though that's not really the right word.
I've also been to see Blink 182 in concert, this past september. It was absolutely amazing. I screamed 90% of the songs, I was in a music video, I was with friends, and I was able to be me, and not think about work or life ( at least too much.) And apparently I eloped during that mini vacation. Less than a month later, I went to see the Arctic Monkeys. That was just as awesome, though I wasn't able to sing along to as many of the songs. This, apparently, was my honeymoon--held at South of the border. Unfortunately I'm out of concerts until I find another one nearby.
Also, the public schools have had this week off, and I spent most of it back in Columbia. I think I miss living there more than I like to admit. Though, obviously there are parts of it that I will always miss because the people that once occupied that Columbia will most likely never be back there... I'm really itching to visit him. But I know that's a long way off, if it ever happens. I know I'm still fooling myself about him. This is actually the anniversary of the week I took off from him. I guess it's a bit easier to go a week without speaking to him.. though this time I may go longer--what with monetary constraints and trying to prove things to myself. Part of me wants to hurt him.. because he has hurt me in so many ways... But really, I never want to hurt him. I just want to wrap myself in his arms. To take him in, to look into his eyes as they lazily open and close in the morning, to feel his hand on my back, to say goodbye on the phone, knowing that I'll be seeing him in a couple of minutes. I've recreated him again. I had an ideal, which he shattered in so many ways.. And now without him here to shatter it, I have an ideal again... or rather a person I have accepted, though he won't accept that I've accepted him. People make you sad while they make you happy. I don't imagine it to be any other way... But I also really need to stop fooling myself, and stop wishing that he were here, or I with him. Because it's just...not mutual.
So who is out there for me? Where are these men? Why do I hate myself again? It's back to loving myself before others can love me again. I thought I was over it.. but here it goes again.. a never ending cycle in ridiculous insecurities.
But it's decision time in many other ways, and while this teaching situation may not be for me, I still regardless have a subbing job, and I know I will do whatever it takes to get the means of which to leave here, and get to grad school. Because, frankly, that's where I want to be, that's where I feel I should be, and it's just like I'm waiting for it right now.. But now is the time to be proactive, and really come up with a legit plan.
I met with my mentor today for lunch. We're trying to establish a French club/community thing in the neighbourhood, and I really hope it goes over well. We were supposed to have a convo thing today, but it's been moved to next Friday which is just fine because there is no school. I adore her. She is just.. full of advice, and kindness, and I would really love to be like her. I can't imagine her ever being mean to a student, but she still maintains so much control. I don't think she realises how good she is. And her husband is also an extremely sweet man, and I absolutely loved helping them set up their wi-fi and new ipad! I would love to meet up with her more regularly for sure. I think it would be helpful since my old confidant is several hundred thousand miles away...
so sorry about that mid love rant thing.. It's just... something I can't talk to anyone about. The work thing is just a matter of holding out until the find a replacement.. or until the end of the school year, whichever comes first...
Until later.