Remembrances
Yesterday, August 29, 2011 was the one year anniversary of my first kiss. I'm deciding to comemorate it because, to me it was the most sincere and sweet kiss--one that happened at the right time despite all of the shit that happened afterwards. And because I would love to relive it, I'm going to tell it to you my journal: That wednesday we went out for my flatmate's birthday. We all were a few pints in when my flatmate started feeling sick, so we parted ways. I had been flirting with him the whole night, demanding his attention. After my first night back in Columbia, I was semi-convinced that he had feelings for me, and tonight was another night to get a drunken confession from him. And that is what I got.
We skyped after we both got home, and he confessed that he really liked someone, but he wasn't sure how she felt. I didn't want to believe it was me.. This stuff never happens to me, only in books and movies and stuff. Regardless, I told him my advice, and waited to see if he would take it. He made me dinner again that Saturday. We invited the flatmates over to watch some shows after we finished dinner, and that is when he put his leg on mine. This was my sign--I grabbed it.
The next night, he invited me over to pick up some copies from Kinkos, and to watch some shows. I accepted. When we got to his place. I took my place on my side of the couch, timid, thinking that the night before was a fluke. He layed out on the couch, as I awkwardly sat on the end. He looked at me, as I looked at him from the corner of my eye...would he make the first move? And he did, he pulled me down to lay on his chest. We played hangman on his phone and watched the Office. After a few episodes we sat back up and held hands. He put his arm around me, and I leaned against him, sitting on my knees.
He said, jokingly flustered, "your hair is in my face."
I responded in kind, "Well, sorry."
Then we looked at each other.
Maybe you've had this experience, looking into another person's face, searching their eyes, their lips, pausing in breath, wondering what's next. And that's when he leaned in for the kiss. I don't remember if my heart stopped, or the sensation I felt really, except for that of giggly. My thoughts were, "this is really happening right now." "This is a kiss!" "what the hell am I doing?" And then I actually did giggle. And pulled away. He didn't question.. He just hugged me tighter and we watched the rest of the show in quiet.
So much happened after that moment. I had the worst week I can recall, I suffered several crises, I fell in love, and I had my heart broken a second time--only to still feel the same... But that moment. The moment I had been waiting for, the moment I thought would never be, and definitely a moment I thought would never serve as a "moment" moment actually happened. In that existed all the positive possibilities, the beginnings of something so sweet and so tender. I maybe built it up too much, but I know if there had been an audience, if I had been an actress and he an actor, the crowd would have fucking melted.
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My anniversary of that day was good. But I think I would rather have relived that moment. I wish I could have talked to him and nonchalantly brought up the fact that today was the day he kissed me. Today was the day I learned not to jump ahead, to only take the moment, because the next moment is not always as logically consecutive as you would believe. So instead of emailing him, I wrote this. I think I do still love him, in my own way. I miss him. But there's nothing I can do about that. As I was telling Ari, this is my time now, this is where I discover and make a world for myself. Everything else will come after.
We skyped after we both got home, and he confessed that he really liked someone, but he wasn't sure how she felt. I didn't want to believe it was me.. This stuff never happens to me, only in books and movies and stuff. Regardless, I told him my advice, and waited to see if he would take it. He made me dinner again that Saturday. We invited the flatmates over to watch some shows after we finished dinner, and that is when he put his leg on mine. This was my sign--I grabbed it.
The next night, he invited me over to pick up some copies from Kinkos, and to watch some shows. I accepted. When we got to his place. I took my place on my side of the couch, timid, thinking that the night before was a fluke. He layed out on the couch, as I awkwardly sat on the end. He looked at me, as I looked at him from the corner of my eye...would he make the first move? And he did, he pulled me down to lay on his chest. We played hangman on his phone and watched the Office. After a few episodes we sat back up and held hands. He put his arm around me, and I leaned against him, sitting on my knees.
He said, jokingly flustered, "your hair is in my face."
I responded in kind, "Well, sorry."
Then we looked at each other.
Maybe you've had this experience, looking into another person's face, searching their eyes, their lips, pausing in breath, wondering what's next. And that's when he leaned in for the kiss. I don't remember if my heart stopped, or the sensation I felt really, except for that of giggly. My thoughts were, "this is really happening right now." "This is a kiss!" "what the hell am I doing?" And then I actually did giggle. And pulled away. He didn't question.. He just hugged me tighter and we watched the rest of the show in quiet.
So much happened after that moment. I had the worst week I can recall, I suffered several crises, I fell in love, and I had my heart broken a second time--only to still feel the same... But that moment. The moment I had been waiting for, the moment I thought would never be, and definitely a moment I thought would never serve as a "moment" moment actually happened. In that existed all the positive possibilities, the beginnings of something so sweet and so tender. I maybe built it up too much, but I know if there had been an audience, if I had been an actress and he an actor, the crowd would have fucking melted.
-------------------------
My anniversary of that day was good. But I think I would rather have relived that moment. I wish I could have talked to him and nonchalantly brought up the fact that today was the day he kissed me. Today was the day I learned not to jump ahead, to only take the moment, because the next moment is not always as logically consecutive as you would believe. So instead of emailing him, I wrote this. I think I do still love him, in my own way. I miss him. But there's nothing I can do about that. As I was telling Ari, this is my time now, this is where I discover and make a world for myself. Everything else will come after.