embarrassing cyber-crush entry; inevitable.
dream:
before i knew it we were on the phone, i had been sleeping & could barely focus but he talked to me, was sweeter than ever & had a gorgeous accent. he played me a song over the phone and when i sat up on my mattress in a parking lot, he was in the second car from me, i saw the back & side of his head, he was perfect, and i laid back down as quickly as i could so he wouldn't see me. he seemed to look around as if he knew someone had glanced him, but didn't get out of the car before i woke up.
reality:
today on the subway i almost cried as soon as i thought about what it would be like if we ever actually met, thinking he would take one look and be disgusted. thinking that if he ever saw me for real and still called me beautiful i'd burst into tears.
it's not surprising at all that i finally "meet" someone who thinks i'm okay and it will never be completely real or tangible and i will never fully believe it. it's not surprising that i'm getting worked up over some virtually (no pun intended) faceless person that probably does not think about me nearly as much as i think about them. it is not surprising that i'm getting drawn into something i've always condemned. it is not surprising that i am acting like i'm 13 again.
on the other hand, he tells me we fit like legos & tells me he loves that i'm a nerd & he draws me pictures of poo & we watch nature documentaries together & he sends me music & he loves the letters i send him & he tells me i'm unlike anyone else. he makes inappropriate jokes and makes sure i go to bed early enough for work the next morning.
one day, kids. one day i'll be able to put a "clinically" in front of that currently lonely and absurd little "insane" that resides on my name tag.
i need to relax and enjoy this for what it is.
this is totally mortifying, by the way, so let's keep it between us and the interwebs, shall we?
before i knew it we were on the phone, i had been sleeping & could barely focus but he talked to me, was sweeter than ever & had a gorgeous accent. he played me a song over the phone and when i sat up on my mattress in a parking lot, he was in the second car from me, i saw the back & side of his head, he was perfect, and i laid back down as quickly as i could so he wouldn't see me. he seemed to look around as if he knew someone had glanced him, but didn't get out of the car before i woke up.
reality:
today on the subway i almost cried as soon as i thought about what it would be like if we ever actually met, thinking he would take one look and be disgusted. thinking that if he ever saw me for real and still called me beautiful i'd burst into tears.
it's not surprising at all that i finally "meet" someone who thinks i'm okay and it will never be completely real or tangible and i will never fully believe it. it's not surprising that i'm getting worked up over some virtually (no pun intended) faceless person that probably does not think about me nearly as much as i think about them. it is not surprising that i'm getting drawn into something i've always condemned. it is not surprising that i am acting like i'm 13 again.
on the other hand, he tells me we fit like legos & tells me he loves that i'm a nerd & he draws me pictures of poo & we watch nature documentaries together & he sends me music & he loves the letters i send him & he tells me i'm unlike anyone else. he makes inappropriate jokes and makes sure i go to bed early enough for work the next morning.
one day, kids. one day i'll be able to put a "clinically" in front of that currently lonely and absurd little "insane" that resides on my name tag.
i need to relax and enjoy this for what it is.
this is totally mortifying, by the way, so let's keep it between us and the interwebs, shall we?