Not Dead Yet
I do the right thing for once and it gets blown up in my face. I tried really hard this week to be nice to my parents, talk with them. It's become so hard anymore, I get so angry. I'm too sensitive, take too much to heart. Ever since I've been fired I don't know what to do with myself. I feel more useless then ever. I think that's why I was such a work-a-holic, even if I was hard on myself then. As much as it hurt and as much as I say "I hated it, I'm never going back again." I do miss it. Every time I pass by I want to rip down the signs outside because I'm the one who put them all up. I just feel this way. And I was fired on the 19th of May. Its hard to say what really started it, but at least after Cynthia quit I rapidly went down hill emotionally. I'm sure my feelings about Tonya and other factors had to do with it, but either way I was having a breakdown. I would be fine one moment and bawling the next, I couldn't even work anymore because I couldn't control it. I had to leave work early on the 18th and was told by my district manager to get help because I wasn't on my medication. It's funny how easily we can use that excuse.. And then he goes and fires me the next day.. So I went and got some alcohol. It wasn't SoCo like before but the intentions were the same, plus I popped a few pills.. I made myself so numb that it's a little bit hazy. I remember I started cutting myself just because I could. I never said it was logical. And knowing my odds I still woke up the next day. (I'm obviously typing this, so of course I'm not dead but moving on..) I had an appointment to see a psychologist named Mary Kay Rose. It's a hard name to forget and she's kinda creepy (too happy in my opinion, almost Stepford Wives). For those of you that have never been to one, when you first go you have to fill out this paper work about how you're feeling so that they have a general idea. It was hard to talk to her. Talking in person is always hard for me. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. But she notices my arm and asks me about it so I told her what I did. Oh, they also get you to sign a contract stating that you won't try to harm yourself or kill yourself because you're getting help or whatever. I refused to sign it because I couldn't promise anything. Honestly I probably would have gone home and did it again and again and probably became an alcoholic or something stupid like that. But honesty kicked me in the butt. She asked me if I would try something and I told her "I don't know, maybe.." And here's the kicker (I'll get to why later) But she asked me what I would do.. How would I kill myself. So I just answered. Overdose or suffocate or something.. So then I wasn't allowed to leave the office. And I ended up having to voluntarily put myself in Crossroads at the hospital across the street. (Basically the psych ward). Couldn't smoke a last cigarette or anything. hah. And she had to escort us.. Funny I got escorted out of blockbuster too. I was in Crossroads till Monday. I actually enjoyed being there. It's not Girl, Interrupted but I didn't think it would be anyways. During that time my family managed to totally rearrange my room and clean most of it out.. taking out all the alcohol and all the box cutters I had. (well, most of them anyways). This brings us to my bitching above. I've cut since then, and I cut last night. I don't cut deep. Its just like this weird fascination. I just cut enough of the skin.. Half the time you don't even see anything or it looks like paper cuts.. I gave him my box cutter today and he snapped at me.. "Don't you dare!" He thinks I was going to try and kill myself.. I guess I should have figured that everyone would worry about that again. But thats not the case right now. I can't say that I won't ever get like that again, because I've been like that before I knew all of you that read this. (Assuming you're bothering to read this mess, I don't when I see something this long. Won't hurt my feelings none, this is for me not you anyways). Trying to get my parents to understand makes me feel more foolish then I do about what happened at Blockbuster. I feel useless and after everything happened I felt numb.. I'm not sure if its the increase of meds or not, I doubt it but I'm crying again.. I'm going to assume that's a good thing, even if so far my Dad has been the only cause to.