sobriety makes hindsight beyond 20/20
I got so fucked up Monday night. So drunk I probably should of had alcohol poisoning. This is how it happened. I had work at 4 right? I only had to go to the store meeting.. So that's technically from 4-5:30. And Jessi was closing. I didn't want to go home. So I stayed at blockbuster till about 8:30. We talked about Rachel, Georgia and Walter..
I get home and find an e-mail telling me to read my livejournal. There's this drunken post from Georgia directed only at me. Basically how things got awkward, and I said they wouldn't but they did ever since Saturday/Sunday (Party at Applebee's). And how she still loves and wants me. Saturday night I told her I love her, finally, and it was true. I do.. But I want it all. And we can't have it all. I tried to kiss her and it just didn't happen. It's like Wes and Cordy from season 3 of Buffy. I can't explain it any other way. At that point it just kind of died for me. And Georgia was trying to get me to compare her to Rachel. See, she read this post... I got very upset, totally pulled away and said "That's not fair!!! Do you really want me to answer?!!!" And things have been weird ever since, but I've always felt they've been weird. I can't leave anything alone, I just have fuck them up.
BritRaeChick85: i have to have hope
GeorgiaDerabolon: for what
BritRaeChick85: that maybe one day we can put this all behind us and be friends again without the terrible complications of lust and love
GeorgiaDerabolon: we are friends rachel
BritRaeChick85: yeah. i know. but i want the silly movie nights where we were all comfortable with each other and i could drone on and you all thought i was ridiculous and it was easy
GeorgiaDerabolon: we'll never have that again i think complication has torn us all apart
BritRaeChick85: and it makes me sad.
GeorgiaDerabolon: me too
I miss those days
so much
I'm sure everyone wants things back the way they were.. I should have never came back to Baldwin... I'm outside the bubble, but I hover so close to it that I am still considered part of it.. I'm the bad element that was introduced and destroyed everything. I would of never wasted Amy's time, or told Georgia how I felt about Amy.. I would of tried to pursue Rachel sooner. Or maybe not with the break and all. It was really stupid of me to think that anything we had would of lasted 3 weeks unchecked.. But if it had been sooner, and not just a week before break, maybe it would of been strong enough. Rachel said we'd probably still be ok if it weren't for the break. But she's with Tiffany now and I lose because I don't need to be nurtured, or fixed. Because I can't relate, having had a good family structure and all... So I can't love her.. No that's not true, she'll still let me love her, just I still can't have it all. But I don't want to settle. I'm gonna have faith. I can still make Rachel laugh and that makes me happy.
Back to Monday night.. There's the post and an IM from Georgia telling me to read it but I don't know what to say, and there was a voice mail from Rachel wanting to talk to me. And I'm thinking she really doesn't want to talk, she just wants to hear what's happened with Georgia and me. She kept pushing me to talk to Georgia and everything.. I don't want to blame her or anything. I have only myself to blame for everything.. I fixed myself a really strong margarita and called Rachel back. I was bitter on the phone, I know I was. She had no idea I was already drunk. Well I kept festering alone.. I was being petty in my mind. Why the hell would Georgia get drunk with Santana of all people? She knew what happened with me and Santana. But we're always so petty when it comes to the other people or lack of them in our lives. I can't be nice to Jacqueline, either so it's kind of even. But it's not like I'm nice to Jacqueline to spite Georgia, and Santana just happened to show up when she and Alyssa were getting drunk...
Well, after I finished my margarita, I decided to down a whole bottle of Southern Comfort in less than 10 minutes. I know I had some bitter words with Georgia online, just being petty again.. And then I called Jessi at work and talked to her and Will for awhile. They were talking about having Will come get me.. But that didn't happen.. I called them back a little bit later and we talked for a bit more. While I was on the phone with them I had put up a lovely away message.
"I just downed a whole bottle of Southe3rn Comfort. So I'm totally fucked up."
I passed out around 10 something. And woke up at 8:30 Tuesday morning. Without an alarm or my dad waking me up. I had to be at work at 9. I was still really drunk, so I took a shower and made my dad take me to work. Work was slow and hard, and there was so much I had to do, but I did poorly of course. I had the FOS done, but I didn't do the Debalts or Credits, or finish my paperwork before Mark got in.. I just kept pissing him off. Granted I was sober by the he showed up.. But I should of done so many things differently and he kept telling me. After he filed my paper work he said I get a C- and we should all be in our A game. I should of put Jennifer on register instead of myself so I could of freed myself up to work on what I needed to get done.. Oh I felt like such shit by the end of the night. I didn't get home till 5:30. I didn't even want to go to S.V.G.L.A. at the point, so I didn't. At home I finally found my cell phone mixed up in the sheets. There was a concerned message from Rachel. I scared her and Georgia the night before. By all accounts I think I should be dead right now, I only weigh about 140..
And there's this post that's also directed at me..
Rachel said she wanted me to come over, and so we agreed to 9:30.. I went to work because I wanted to buy Bring it On Again and some other random movies. I ended up getting a strange combination of being chewed out and praised by Mark for half an hour.. I got some food then went to see Rachel. I was a bit of a bitch and made her take the presents I got her, even though she didn't want them. Finally I said that I didn't want to go back to NoVA and MD to return them, so she took them. I gave it all to her... The card, the fairy and the claddagh. I put the claddagh in the envelope of the card, so she could basically ignore it, which is what she did.. I don't want them, but at the same time I couldn't throw any of it away. I wanted her to have them regardless. I hugged her pillow and tried to look everywhere but at her, because all I wanted to do was look at Rachel. But I can't. And then she hugged me for the presents.. She's still so soft and warm and smelled so good. I missed that.
I get home and find an e-mail telling me to read my livejournal. There's this drunken post from Georgia directed only at me. Basically how things got awkward, and I said they wouldn't but they did ever since Saturday/Sunday (Party at Applebee's). And how she still loves and wants me. Saturday night I told her I love her, finally, and it was true. I do.. But I want it all. And we can't have it all. I tried to kiss her and it just didn't happen. It's like Wes and Cordy from season 3 of Buffy. I can't explain it any other way. At that point it just kind of died for me. And Georgia was trying to get me to compare her to Rachel. See, she read this post... I got very upset, totally pulled away and said "That's not fair!!! Do you really want me to answer?!!!" And things have been weird ever since, but I've always felt they've been weird. I can't leave anything alone, I just have fuck them up.
BritRaeChick85: i have to have hope
GeorgiaDerabolon: for what
BritRaeChick85: that maybe one day we can put this all behind us and be friends again without the terrible complications of lust and love
GeorgiaDerabolon: we are friends rachel
BritRaeChick85: yeah. i know. but i want the silly movie nights where we were all comfortable with each other and i could drone on and you all thought i was ridiculous and it was easy
GeorgiaDerabolon: we'll never have that again i think complication has torn us all apart
BritRaeChick85: and it makes me sad.
GeorgiaDerabolon: me too
I miss those days
so much
I'm sure everyone wants things back the way they were.. I should have never came back to Baldwin... I'm outside the bubble, but I hover so close to it that I am still considered part of it.. I'm the bad element that was introduced and destroyed everything. I would of never wasted Amy's time, or told Georgia how I felt about Amy.. I would of tried to pursue Rachel sooner. Or maybe not with the break and all. It was really stupid of me to think that anything we had would of lasted 3 weeks unchecked.. But if it had been sooner, and not just a week before break, maybe it would of been strong enough. Rachel said we'd probably still be ok if it weren't for the break. But she's with Tiffany now and I lose because I don't need to be nurtured, or fixed. Because I can't relate, having had a good family structure and all... So I can't love her.. No that's not true, she'll still let me love her, just I still can't have it all. But I don't want to settle. I'm gonna have faith. I can still make Rachel laugh and that makes me happy.
Back to Monday night.. There's the post and an IM from Georgia telling me to read it but I don't know what to say, and there was a voice mail from Rachel wanting to talk to me. And I'm thinking she really doesn't want to talk, she just wants to hear what's happened with Georgia and me. She kept pushing me to talk to Georgia and everything.. I don't want to blame her or anything. I have only myself to blame for everything.. I fixed myself a really strong margarita and called Rachel back. I was bitter on the phone, I know I was. She had no idea I was already drunk. Well I kept festering alone.. I was being petty in my mind. Why the hell would Georgia get drunk with Santana of all people? She knew what happened with me and Santana. But we're always so petty when it comes to the other people or lack of them in our lives. I can't be nice to Jacqueline, either so it's kind of even. But it's not like I'm nice to Jacqueline to spite Georgia, and Santana just happened to show up when she and Alyssa were getting drunk...
Well, after I finished my margarita, I decided to down a whole bottle of Southern Comfort in less than 10 minutes. I know I had some bitter words with Georgia online, just being petty again.. And then I called Jessi at work and talked to her and Will for awhile. They were talking about having Will come get me.. But that didn't happen.. I called them back a little bit later and we talked for a bit more. While I was on the phone with them I had put up a lovely away message.
"I just downed a whole bottle of Southe3rn Comfort. So I'm totally fucked up."
I passed out around 10 something. And woke up at 8:30 Tuesday morning. Without an alarm or my dad waking me up. I had to be at work at 9. I was still really drunk, so I took a shower and made my dad take me to work. Work was slow and hard, and there was so much I had to do, but I did poorly of course. I had the FOS done, but I didn't do the Debalts or Credits, or finish my paperwork before Mark got in.. I just kept pissing him off. Granted I was sober by the he showed up.. But I should of done so many things differently and he kept telling me. After he filed my paper work he said I get a C- and we should all be in our A game. I should of put Jennifer on register instead of myself so I could of freed myself up to work on what I needed to get done.. Oh I felt like such shit by the end of the night. I didn't get home till 5:30. I didn't even want to go to S.V.G.L.A. at the point, so I didn't. At home I finally found my cell phone mixed up in the sheets. There was a concerned message from Rachel. I scared her and Georgia the night before. By all accounts I think I should be dead right now, I only weigh about 140..
And there's this post that's also directed at me..
Rachel said she wanted me to come over, and so we agreed to 9:30.. I went to work because I wanted to buy Bring it On Again and some other random movies. I ended up getting a strange combination of being chewed out and praised by Mark for half an hour.. I got some food then went to see Rachel. I was a bit of a bitch and made her take the presents I got her, even though she didn't want them. Finally I said that I didn't want to go back to NoVA and MD to return them, so she took them. I gave it all to her... The card, the fairy and the claddagh. I put the claddagh in the envelope of the card, so she could basically ignore it, which is what she did.. I don't want them, but at the same time I couldn't throw any of it away. I wanted her to have them regardless. I hugged her pillow and tried to look everywhere but at her, because all I wanted to do was look at Rachel. But I can't. And then she hugged me for the presents.. She's still so soft and warm and smelled so good. I missed that.