(no subject)
Is it wrong if I get pissed off easily over the stupidest things, that may not even be the person's fault?
Really, I don't know what it is, but lately, everything and everyone has been pissing me off.
And the sad thing is, I don't even really care.
Is it wrong if I tell people I love them, when really I could care less if they weren't in my life anymore?
Or if I tell someone something, and its special, but then I go and tell someone else the exact same thing?
does that make me a whore? a bitch?
I know I can be a bitch, but really, sometimes I do things I know aren't exactly right, and most of the time I could care less.
Is it wrong that pretty much everyone in my life annoys me at some point, and that's a lot of the time?
And that sometimes I really don't like someone, and then the next minute I couldn't picture my life without them?
I mean, what kind of shit is that? Really.
Is it wrong I always feel two ways about something? Because, fuck, that's all the time. Everything, I can't just have one thought. And it's annoying.
Is it wrong that I think negatively about mostly everyone, but to their face I tell them they are perfect? I'm not exactly lying, Perfect isn't everything positive, but I still feel like I'm lying.
Is it wrong that a lot of the time I lie about how I'm feeling, or what I'm doing, or what I'm thinking?
Is it wrong that I say I'm not afraid, or that I don't care, when really it means the whole fucking world to me, and because I can't get over myself, I lie about that too.
Sometimes I really don't know why anyone would want to be my friend, or even know me.
I'm really not that good of a person. I'm a liar. I'm selfish. I'm negative towards everything. I really don't love everyone. And a lot of the time, I really don't like myself.
I know all of that is wrong, but somewhere along the line, I know it makes me a better person, for no given reason. It makes me true, and real.
Sometimes I'm so full of myself and all it takes is a word, a gesture, a look even, and I'm the most insecure person you'll ever meet.
I'm a hypocrite. I constantly contradict myself, and criticize everything. I over-analyze, I think outside the box.
Come to think of it, anything you could say, I've probably done, thought of, or thought of doing.
I really have too much time of my hands, and I spend it doing shit. Nothing, and I don't care. It's amazing how much I don't about about things, when I really do give a shit about a lot of things.
I think it's funny how people have perception of me, and I'm nothing like that, at first at least. But in the end I end up screwing them over, or myself, in a totally different but equally negative way.
Is it wrong that I fall really hard, and can't pick myself back up most of the time, and I complain, but I'd never want to get back up.
Is it wrong that I say I don't want to talk about something, when on the inside I'm screaming it out.
I need someone to understand me. Someone who can co inside with how I am, the sad thing is I'll probably never meet that person. If they even exist.
I need someone to slap me in the face and tell me to find my head and stop talking shit, but understand I'm not talking shit, I just need them to tell me it so I can believe it.
Is it wrong I don't believe in god? or the devil? But I make wishes, and I have hope. And Faith, those things come with god, don't they?
Am I a stupid shit for believing, and only believing that everything happens for a reason, and looking for it in any and all situations?
Is it wrong that I resent my parents so much, when really they've done nothing wrong minus fucking me over a couple times, and not understanding me. And thinking that I wouldn't care or feel anything if they were to die today. I know I shouldn't say that, their out right now. With my grandma, brother, sister. And I stayed home.
Is it wrong I hate spending time with my family, and showing affecting towards them, and telling them I love them, but if they were all to die right now, while I was writing all this shit, I'd hate them all for leaving me here?
I'm not one to say what I really feel, my pride gets in the way too fucking much, and even if I do say something, it's only half of it.
I know I've told lots of people, who are close, what I feel. But that doesn't even start to cover the whole surface of how I truly feel. And you might think, fuck thats deep, or its a fucking lie, but it's not either. It's just how I feel.
Sometimes I really hate feelings, and feeling, and other times I'd be nothing without feeling of any sort. I don't want to be emotionless, but I don't want to be an emotional fuck either.
And it's hard finiding a medium between those, let alone between anything. Right and wrong. Straight and gay. War and no war, it can't be one extreme, it has to be somewhere in between.
That's always how I've felt about everything, because if it's medium, your safe. And I know I'm a real fucking pansy, and alot of the time people don't like me.
And as much as I say I don't care, I really do. I know it's really fucking stupid, but it's those people who's attention I want the most. A lot of the time, I don't give anyone the time of day, but I ask them for it, and I know it's stupid, that I just want to take, and not give. But alot of the time I give, and people take, and maybe they give back, but I always give, and they always take and a lot of the time it's not even returned.
I like helping people, and giving advice, really, I do. But I expect it to be returned, is that so much to ask for?
People tell me I can come to them, and when I pour of what I'm feeling, they don't even really fucking stir, they just tell me what anyone else would, and that really makes me feel like crap. They say they can't help me, they don't know what I'm talking about.
The funny thing is, when they come to me, I'm not all experienced with everything, but I give them advice, on what I would do, or even just what sounds right. I don't tell them I can't help them, because I know I can, even if it's just listening.
I hate how people feel obligated to you, really, if it's not something you want to do, just fucking say it, don't pretend to be courteous, because you can shove it up your ass.
Or when people really don't like you, but they pretend they do, and you really feel like you have something, you have a friend, but they talk about you. And you feel really insecure, but they reassure you it's all good, and later you find out they never liked you, they just felt bad for you. That. Fucking. Kill's.
I don't know about them, but I'd rather know to start out with than to live and feel and have a lie. If you don't like me, just say it to my face, or don't pretend like we're best friends. I can deal with common courteousy and kindness, but faking is something I don't stand for.
I've ranted a lot of this, and I know no one will probably read it. And that makes me happy, I don't want anyone to read it.
Because I know I've said a lot of shit, and they would take it personally, and I really don't care, but at the same time I want to keep those people with me. And I really don't want to talk about it, because it brings up a lot of things I rather not talk about, even though I should.
On the same note, I want this all out. I want everything to just leave me, so I won't have to write this is entry with different words but the exact same thing.
Isn't it funny the things we don't want are the things we hold on to?
Really, I don't know what it is, but lately, everything and everyone has been pissing me off.
And the sad thing is, I don't even really care.
Is it wrong if I tell people I love them, when really I could care less if they weren't in my life anymore?
Or if I tell someone something, and its special, but then I go and tell someone else the exact same thing?
does that make me a whore? a bitch?
I know I can be a bitch, but really, sometimes I do things I know aren't exactly right, and most of the time I could care less.
Is it wrong that pretty much everyone in my life annoys me at some point, and that's a lot of the time?
And that sometimes I really don't like someone, and then the next minute I couldn't picture my life without them?
I mean, what kind of shit is that? Really.
Is it wrong I always feel two ways about something? Because, fuck, that's all the time. Everything, I can't just have one thought. And it's annoying.
Is it wrong that I think negatively about mostly everyone, but to their face I tell them they are perfect? I'm not exactly lying, Perfect isn't everything positive, but I still feel like I'm lying.
Is it wrong that a lot of the time I lie about how I'm feeling, or what I'm doing, or what I'm thinking?
Is it wrong that I say I'm not afraid, or that I don't care, when really it means the whole fucking world to me, and because I can't get over myself, I lie about that too.
Sometimes I really don't know why anyone would want to be my friend, or even know me.
I'm really not that good of a person. I'm a liar. I'm selfish. I'm negative towards everything. I really don't love everyone. And a lot of the time, I really don't like myself.
I know all of that is wrong, but somewhere along the line, I know it makes me a better person, for no given reason. It makes me true, and real.
Sometimes I'm so full of myself and all it takes is a word, a gesture, a look even, and I'm the most insecure person you'll ever meet.
I'm a hypocrite. I constantly contradict myself, and criticize everything. I over-analyze, I think outside the box.
Come to think of it, anything you could say, I've probably done, thought of, or thought of doing.
I really have too much time of my hands, and I spend it doing shit. Nothing, and I don't care. It's amazing how much I don't about about things, when I really do give a shit about a lot of things.
I think it's funny how people have perception of me, and I'm nothing like that, at first at least. But in the end I end up screwing them over, or myself, in a totally different but equally negative way.
Is it wrong that I fall really hard, and can't pick myself back up most of the time, and I complain, but I'd never want to get back up.
Is it wrong that I say I don't want to talk about something, when on the inside I'm screaming it out.
I need someone to understand me. Someone who can co inside with how I am, the sad thing is I'll probably never meet that person. If they even exist.
I need someone to slap me in the face and tell me to find my head and stop talking shit, but understand I'm not talking shit, I just need them to tell me it so I can believe it.
Is it wrong I don't believe in god? or the devil? But I make wishes, and I have hope. And Faith, those things come with god, don't they?
Am I a stupid shit for believing, and only believing that everything happens for a reason, and looking for it in any and all situations?
Is it wrong that I resent my parents so much, when really they've done nothing wrong minus fucking me over a couple times, and not understanding me. And thinking that I wouldn't care or feel anything if they were to die today. I know I shouldn't say that, their out right now. With my grandma, brother, sister. And I stayed home.
Is it wrong I hate spending time with my family, and showing affecting towards them, and telling them I love them, but if they were all to die right now, while I was writing all this shit, I'd hate them all for leaving me here?
I'm not one to say what I really feel, my pride gets in the way too fucking much, and even if I do say something, it's only half of it.
I know I've told lots of people, who are close, what I feel. But that doesn't even start to cover the whole surface of how I truly feel. And you might think, fuck thats deep, or its a fucking lie, but it's not either. It's just how I feel.
Sometimes I really hate feelings, and feeling, and other times I'd be nothing without feeling of any sort. I don't want to be emotionless, but I don't want to be an emotional fuck either.
And it's hard finiding a medium between those, let alone between anything. Right and wrong. Straight and gay. War and no war, it can't be one extreme, it has to be somewhere in between.
That's always how I've felt about everything, because if it's medium, your safe. And I know I'm a real fucking pansy, and alot of the time people don't like me.
And as much as I say I don't care, I really do. I know it's really fucking stupid, but it's those people who's attention I want the most. A lot of the time, I don't give anyone the time of day, but I ask them for it, and I know it's stupid, that I just want to take, and not give. But alot of the time I give, and people take, and maybe they give back, but I always give, and they always take and a lot of the time it's not even returned.
I like helping people, and giving advice, really, I do. But I expect it to be returned, is that so much to ask for?
People tell me I can come to them, and when I pour of what I'm feeling, they don't even really fucking stir, they just tell me what anyone else would, and that really makes me feel like crap. They say they can't help me, they don't know what I'm talking about.
The funny thing is, when they come to me, I'm not all experienced with everything, but I give them advice, on what I would do, or even just what sounds right. I don't tell them I can't help them, because I know I can, even if it's just listening.
I hate how people feel obligated to you, really, if it's not something you want to do, just fucking say it, don't pretend to be courteous, because you can shove it up your ass.
Or when people really don't like you, but they pretend they do, and you really feel like you have something, you have a friend, but they talk about you. And you feel really insecure, but they reassure you it's all good, and later you find out they never liked you, they just felt bad for you. That. Fucking. Kill's.
I don't know about them, but I'd rather know to start out with than to live and feel and have a lie. If you don't like me, just say it to my face, or don't pretend like we're best friends. I can deal with common courteousy and kindness, but faking is something I don't stand for.
I've ranted a lot of this, and I know no one will probably read it. And that makes me happy, I don't want anyone to read it.
Because I know I've said a lot of shit, and they would take it personally, and I really don't care, but at the same time I want to keep those people with me. And I really don't want to talk about it, because it brings up a lot of things I rather not talk about, even though I should.
On the same note, I want this all out. I want everything to just leave me, so I won't have to write this is entry with different words but the exact same thing.
Isn't it funny the things we don't want are the things we hold on to?