In which more progress is made.
I am not really sure what is going on with me lately. I've sort of been acting how they script people to act in movies when they've gone through a bad break-up or something, you know- sleeping all the time, feeling all fatigued and not like doing much of anything. Your Dracula rock musical gets put on the back burner in favor of hibernation (I may have watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall again tonight; I can tell you with assurance to NEVER NOT EVER watch that movie with your ex as I did when I saw it for the first time: great recipe for Awkward Sauce) and generally hiding from the world.
Maybe the solution is as simple as getting myself some new vitamins, considering I haven't gone through anything resembling a break-up in three years. Some deaths and horrible scathing disappointments, sure, but no break-ups. That requires actually dating people, I hear, which is a ritual I am unfamiliar with and stranger to.
Probably it is just a natural reaction to all of the Changes occurring in my life currently and the Unknown Possibilities of the Very Near Future. I used to really love uncertainty and thrived on its inclusion in almost any situation. I don't know if it's just that I got older or what but now I want some fucking security. I want to know where I am living, I want to have decent reassurance of an income with which to eat and pay for said place to live and I'd like to not do these things alone for the rest of my life. Counting down the days to Valerie Bertinelli's next Lifetime Original Movie Project and stress-cleaning my apartment. Sweet god.
So in these sleeping sessions I've had going on I try to remind myself that I need to actually focus on the present instead of just dreaming about The Future. You know, what is it that I really want to do? Am I actually doing anything to make that happen, or do I just talk about it when people ask? Fuck excuses. That's the sort of thing you say to other people, but usually don't listen to your own advice on because it's Scary. It's scary due to possibility of failure. At which point you can pull out all those great quotes involving "missing 100% of the shots you don't take", etc (Thank you, Wayne Gretzky- who says I don't know sports? Oh right. Me).
Probably the best thing that mindfulness class and my psych and religion class taught me (and Dr. Vance and Susan repeatedly reminded me) was that I don't need to beat myself up. I may have lost that mad energy I had in high school and in college, but I'm starting to think that's because I had clearer direction then on what next step I was taking. If I'm not making as big of strides in productivity (of whatever kind) then I don't need to beat myself up about it. I just need to figure out why (usually I'm afraid of doing something wrong) and then try to fix it. Celebrate taking menial steps, if I have to, as much as I loathe sounding like the pages of a self-help bullshit book.
On that note: THINGS I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED RECENTLY INCLUDE: FINDING A PLACE TO LIVE!!!
I am moving into some lovely little apartments not too terribly far north of my current residence, which I am going to miss the hell out of. I will also miss the hell out of coming into the kitchen to delicious surprises and taking ironic photos of the Fat Cat napping on the treadmill.
The definition of irony. Pictorially, at least.
So I've got a place to live, moving this weekend, have one non-traditional job and I'm interviewing for another more traditional one tomorrow. Have one I've already interviewed that I'm hoping to hear back from, still. Life is shaping up, if slowly. Now I just need to bust my own ass back into shape, and I'll be a lot happier. Might help with these finicky energy levels too.
I am feeling the love though, as many and varied groups of people have offered their help in moving me. Family members are giving me furniture and Harry Dresden (or Jim Butcher, rather, I suppose) is giving me quotes to live by.
"Life's easier when you can write others off as monsters, as demons, as horrible threats that must be hated and feared. The thing is, you can't do that without becoming them, just a little."
-Jim Butcher, White Night
I'd say that's an important thing to remember in this crazy world of ours.
Love from a Sarah
ETA: Okay, this is from like, 2006. But if you haven't seen it? Holy god, do you ever need to see it.
Click to viewYou're welcome.