Missing my Father
It may sound strange, since I disowned him at age 13 and have PTSD because of him, but I miss my father. I have been coming across things online that I think he would find funny. He laughed a lot. And I miss the good memories with him, such as at Disney World. He was very charming and could be a lot of fun. I know he was in a lot of pain and probably had PTSD himself. He always said that "intelligence" and things like IQ's didn't matter (he scored very high at age 10 after learning to read at age 9 and everyone thought he was mentally retarded until that test). What mattered was working hard and doing your best. He said looks didn't matter and that cheerleading was silly (my aunt was a former cheerleader and thought I should become one). He thought modeling was also stupid and turned down being a model when he was a teenager. I have been asked to model a couple times for professional photographers, but I turned them down, which I'm sure would have made my father happy.
My father studied architecture in college, which I was also interested in as a child, though he dropped out of school. He was good at handling pressure and financial problems -- my mother gets too anxious and that makes me anxious. I know, realistically, my family is in a better financial position than probably the average person in the US right now, but finances are still so stressful. My father handled all the finances when he was alive. I don't think he was a bad person... just mentally ill. That doesn't excuse his behaviors, but it does show he wasn't an evil person at heart.
The girl leading the UU Young Adult Group said at the group that her father died 11 years ago -- my father died 10 1/2 years ago. She graduated high school a year after me, so she was probably around my brother's age when our father died when her father died. I kind of wanted to share that with her, but I didn't want to sound presumptuous or take away from her loss. Because I disowned my father years before he died and wasn't on good terms with him I sometimes think I was luckier than people whose parent died whom they were on good terms with. On the other hand, I feel I lost my father quite early and he was more of a ghost in my final years, so maybe my loss is as meaningful -- just different.
My father studied architecture in college, which I was also interested in as a child, though he dropped out of school. He was good at handling pressure and financial problems -- my mother gets too anxious and that makes me anxious. I know, realistically, my family is in a better financial position than probably the average person in the US right now, but finances are still so stressful. My father handled all the finances when he was alive. I don't think he was a bad person... just mentally ill. That doesn't excuse his behaviors, but it does show he wasn't an evil person at heart.
The girl leading the UU Young Adult Group said at the group that her father died 11 years ago -- my father died 10 1/2 years ago. She graduated high school a year after me, so she was probably around my brother's age when our father died when her father died. I kind of wanted to share that with her, but I didn't want to sound presumptuous or take away from her loss. Because I disowned my father years before he died and wasn't on good terms with him I sometimes think I was luckier than people whose parent died whom they were on good terms with. On the other hand, I feel I lost my father quite early and he was more of a ghost in my final years, so maybe my loss is as meaningful -- just different.