Report 8 (continued)
Alright, I'm back. THis will be kinda hard for me.. the rave was good, as well as bad. Unfortunately, the bad part was the beginning, which pretty much offset my mood for the night. We arrived at the rave, and I was still very much excited. We were walking up the road towards the rave, and Chris asks Greg if he was gunna do any drugs. Greg replies, "No, I'm not allowed to." Chris says, "Well, I'm allowed to, aren't I?" I desperately wanted to say no... I could tell that this was going to be a problemfor me, and I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. Worse yet, we passed by some pople that Chris and Greg both suspected to be dealers. So, Chris convinces Greg to go and ask for the drugs for him. This pisses me off a little.. I really wanted to tell chris to get his own fucking drugs. I didn't though, because Chris is nice.. and he's our ride.. and I don't really have a say in what he does. Not like I'd have the balls to say that anyways. Greg returns. The person wasn't really a dealer, but mentions something about finding someone who is. We go up to the rave, and we get searched before entering, paying $35.00 on the way in. I was lucky to have gotten enough... Initially Greg was pissed off at me because I only had $18.00. I didn't understand why.. He was paying for Chris' entry as well as his own, AND Chris' fucking ecstacy. I make a comment on it later, and Greg says that Chris was going to pay him back. It's not like I wouldn't be able to pay him back. I'd rather owe money to my mate, then my father. I find it disturbing that Greg would rather pay for some Ecstacy then he would my entry. I also had questioned him a bit later on in the rave about how much money he had on him, and he said he had about $40.00. Roughly enough for two two ecstacy pills.. my assumption was that it was for Ecstacy pills for him and myself, if I happened to change my mind about it. I'm really hoping that I'm just a suspicious bastard, rather than him having his priorities so out of line. Oh well, I'm getting off course. We entered the rave, musoc booming. It was quite intense. Of course, the first thing we do when we enter is look for an ecstacy dealer. This takes about half an hour to an hour, I can't really tell how long, but I was growing increasingly upset. Well, they finally find a dealer... I didn't want to put up with it, so I wandered off. They didn't notice.. I didn't think they would. THey were too preoccupied, in fact, they were ever since we got out of the car. They kept talking to each other, only talking to me occasionally, and when we entered the rave, it almosed ceased altogether because of their little 'drug quest.' I went and sat down close to the hardcore stage, not too close, because it was very loud. I don't like hardcore very much.. but I needed to sit because my back was hurting, and I was really pissed at Greg and Chris. I sat for a bit.. and I must've looked sad, because two guys walked up to me, and asked how I was.. I told them I was fine. They asked if I was on anything... I told them I wasn't, and that I wasn't going to. We chatted for a little bit longer.. At that time I would've bought some ecstacy from them if I had the money, just so I could stop being ignored. I'll bet I could've gotten it for $4.00 from them if I had told them I was afraid of doing it, and it was my first time. Well, we shake and they took off.. I don't quite remember his name, it was a bit exotic.. definately not his real name. A few minutes later, I got up, and went back to find Chris and Greg.. THey weren't where I saw them last, and was a bit worried, but ran into them shortly afterwards. They asked where I was, and I told them I went to listen to music, and some guy offered me some Ecstacy. They seemed a bit awed, mostly because they had taken a long time to find a dealer, and I had one just walk up to me. We wander around a bit.. Greg and Chris both ask me a couple of times why I look upset. I tell them it's nothing.. I didn't really want to spoil their fun, nor did I really have the guts to say that I felt ignored and that Chris' E consumption pissed me off. We go and sit down on some concrete.. Greg asks me again what's wrong. I tell him it's still nothing. He says that he can tell I'm upset, and if I don't tell him what's wrong now, he'll blow me off later if I bring it up. I don't reply. He then says something like, "if you didn't want to dance or take drugs what the hell did you think you were gonna do at a rave?" I simply reply with a "You know what? Fuck you." He says the same to me, and he walks off somewhere.. I sit quietly for a moment.. look to Chris, who looks kinda confused. Under the influence, I'm not sure if he knows what's going on, although he did say "you're making me sad." I start crying.. in fact, I cry a lot. I heard some people walk by say, "Damn, that guy is messed up..." and then later, I coudlve sworn I heard Greg say something mean to me, although Im not quite sure. It's something like, "See, that's what happens when you do... somethin somethin... to your mate." Later, I look back, embarrasedly, to see if Chris was still watching me cry. When I turn around, Chris was gone, and Greg was there.. he asked if I wanted to talk.. I nodded, trying to bring myself together. I told him I felt neglected.. after a shorty while he says, "YOu know the dependant personality disorder thing ytou looked at? well... that's you..." and all of a sudden, I couldnt help myself, but I began crying again.. I leaned against him and I cried my hear out. I felt so fucked up.. I felt so unhappy,and worst of all, I felt like I was 'just on the side' for Greg. I felt like I came after drugs, after Chris... I felt worthless. I wanted to die, then and there.. He comforted me a bit.. and soon enough, I felt much better.. Crying was the best thing for me at that point.. it's the only way I know to rid myself of bottled emotions. The rest of the night was pretty good.. Sat by the fire and cuddled, laughed at Chris' childlike amusement with glo-sticks, and watched in awe at the glo-stickers themselves, doing very amazing things with them. Althouhgh my back was hurtiung very much, I still enjoyed the rest of the rave. We went home very late.. I think at around 4 AM, although I don't quite remember. I slept in Greg's lap the entire way home, and when we got to his apartment, cuddled up next to him to sleep.
November 13, 2005:
Ugh... Had to wake up early to go back to dad's.. and when I got there, even more yardwork.Luckily dad allowed me to use the internet when I was through. I talked to Greg online, but I don't quite remember about what. I go to be late, tired, and in pain.
November 14, 2005:
School sucked.. Nothing really good happened.. back hurt.. when I got home, and unpacked my computer.. to find that I had left my wireless card's antenna at Dad's! I was furious.. I found a wire and stuck it in the card as a makeshift antenna, and luckily it worked. Well, talking to Greg that night was not to great. I had asked him if he really wanted me to go to Earthdance with him.. and I had mentioned that I knew he knew about a week in advance about the event, because of a file I read on his computer. He gets pissed off with me, talking about how I shouldn't have read the file, and that even though he knew about the event, that he didn't know he was going, but rather, that he was going to go get some Acid from Dave. I felt kinda bad.. bit today while thinking about it, why the fuck should I feel bad? He's the one who likes to do that shit behind my back, and hopefully since he promised he would no longer do that, that kinda stuff doesn't go on anymore. Goddamn... Fuck drugs.. I really mean that, just fuck them. His love for them just makes me hate them even more... I wish that element was erased from my life, but it never will be. It never will be, knowing that he will always still love them. We made up afterwards... and so I went to bed not feeling bad.
November 13, 2005:
Ugh... Had to wake up early to go back to dad's.. and when I got there, even more yardwork.Luckily dad allowed me to use the internet when I was through. I talked to Greg online, but I don't quite remember about what. I go to be late, tired, and in pain.
November 14, 2005:
School sucked.. Nothing really good happened.. back hurt.. when I got home, and unpacked my computer.. to find that I had left my wireless card's antenna at Dad's! I was furious.. I found a wire and stuck it in the card as a makeshift antenna, and luckily it worked. Well, talking to Greg that night was not to great. I had asked him if he really wanted me to go to Earthdance with him.. and I had mentioned that I knew he knew about a week in advance about the event, because of a file I read on his computer. He gets pissed off with me, talking about how I shouldn't have read the file, and that even though he knew about the event, that he didn't know he was going, but rather, that he was going to go get some Acid from Dave. I felt kinda bad.. bit today while thinking about it, why the fuck should I feel bad? He's the one who likes to do that shit behind my back, and hopefully since he promised he would no longer do that, that kinda stuff doesn't go on anymore. Goddamn... Fuck drugs.. I really mean that, just fuck them. His love for them just makes me hate them even more... I wish that element was erased from my life, but it never will be. It never will be, knowing that he will always still love them. We made up afterwards... and so I went to bed not feeling bad.