(no subject)
There are times lately when all I feel like doing is crying. It's mostly those times when I think about how financially fucked I am.
I don't know why I banked on getting a full-time job easily once we moved. I thought it would be a breeze - I thought Rogers would hire me for sure, or if not, that the day after I dropped off all those resumes, someone would call me & I'd be fine. I don't know why I underestimated the state of our economy and why I thought I'd be lucky enough to be one of those people with a secure, full-time position.
Moving to this apartment was supposed to be me growing up. I was supposed to be able to become a self-sufficient adult, but instead I'm still a leech from my parents (who pay my rent) who can't even pay the measly amount of bills that she has.
I bounced a Dell payment last week, so I got charged an NSF fee. They're supposed be taking more money on Wednesday, but that's gonna bounce, too, since I've got about $20 in my account, probably less. VISA has started to call again, because I'm over my limit and I haven't made a payment in two months.
I'm probably going to get booted to collections again, and this time it's not because I'm being stupid with my money, it's because I just don't have any money.
I hate that every time I log on to my internet banking I see a big red "-xxxx.xx" as my account balance (I won't tell you what the numbers are, because it's almost embarrassing how much debt I am in; I have a line of credit that's maxed out).
I just wish that I could catch a break. That one of the now-over-thirty places I've applied to would need someone full-time so that I could actually start improving my life instead of watching it go further and further into the toilet.
Everyday I feel like I'm sinking further and further down and soon my entire future will be erased because I'll never be able to afford anything that I want to do with my life - finish school, go to Teacher's College, get my license/buy a car, have children - because right now, I can't even go to school in September since I can't afford to pay for my classes.
I'm going to dinner for one of my best friends' birthdays next weekend, but I'm not going to be able to eat anything since I can barely afford to buy groceries. One of my friends has offered to pay for me, but I feel like such a loser that can't even go out to dinner once in a blue moon. It's not my birthday, I shouldn't be the one getting the free meal.
I guess some people would be glad to have people who pay for you when you can't afford something, but it doesn't make me feel good at all. I just feel worse every time someone has to lend me money.
One of my dreams is coming true next week - I'm seeing No Doubt in concert. It's seriously one of my dreams and I couldn't be happier about it, but all I can think about it how I don't even know how I can afford the $40 bus ticket to get myself to the concert, let alone any kind of merch that I might want to remember the event. I know it's fickle, but I just wish I could do these things without the thought of having no money ruining everything.
I find myself becoming insanely jealous at people who have full-time jobs; who have had one for a while, or who have just found one. It's really starting to take a toll on my personality and the way I think and I don't like it one bit. I find myself wondering if they truly appreciate the fact that they're able to pay their bills or whether they take it for granted - because if they do, I wish that they would get fired and have to find another job. Because it's not easy.
I'm not asking for a lot to change in my life. All I want is a steady, full-time job where I make a decent enough amount of money. Truth be told, I want lauresque's job, because if I did, I'd be able to make improvements in my life in a few short months. I'd be making enough to pay my bills (not completely off, but I'd be able to manage the monthly payments) and my rent, and buy groceries, and still be able to have somewhat of a social life if I watched my spending. That's all I want. I want to not worry about what creditor is calling me whenever the phone rings. I want to say "yeah, let's go for coffee" when a friend asks me to go out. I want to be able to use my 30% discount at my current bookstore job. I've applied for lauresque's job four times now, and three times, I've been dismissed. I haven't heard about the fourth. And I just applied to it for a fifth time.
I don't know. I needed to get all of that out. This whole thing is consuming my life in a very negative and hurtful way, and I don't want it too. I have a great family, who love and support me through everything. I have amazing roommates, wonderful friends, and a pretty good life. I want to be able to think about that stuff and be happy about what I have - because I know there are a lot of people out there who have less than I do.
I hope I don't sound entitled or whiny - I'm not trying to come off that way. I guess I'm just trying to cope with this ridiculous state of economy and come out on top... or even in the middle.
I don't know. I'll be shocked if you read all that blather.
I apologize for any typos or bad grammar, but I'm too tired and depressed to go back and read it over.
I don't know why I banked on getting a full-time job easily once we moved. I thought it would be a breeze - I thought Rogers would hire me for sure, or if not, that the day after I dropped off all those resumes, someone would call me & I'd be fine. I don't know why I underestimated the state of our economy and why I thought I'd be lucky enough to be one of those people with a secure, full-time position.
Moving to this apartment was supposed to be me growing up. I was supposed to be able to become a self-sufficient adult, but instead I'm still a leech from my parents (who pay my rent) who can't even pay the measly amount of bills that she has.
I bounced a Dell payment last week, so I got charged an NSF fee. They're supposed be taking more money on Wednesday, but that's gonna bounce, too, since I've got about $20 in my account, probably less. VISA has started to call again, because I'm over my limit and I haven't made a payment in two months.
I'm probably going to get booted to collections again, and this time it's not because I'm being stupid with my money, it's because I just don't have any money.
I hate that every time I log on to my internet banking I see a big red "-xxxx.xx" as my account balance (I won't tell you what the numbers are, because it's almost embarrassing how much debt I am in; I have a line of credit that's maxed out).
I just wish that I could catch a break. That one of the now-over-thirty places I've applied to would need someone full-time so that I could actually start improving my life instead of watching it go further and further into the toilet.
Everyday I feel like I'm sinking further and further down and soon my entire future will be erased because I'll never be able to afford anything that I want to do with my life - finish school, go to Teacher's College, get my license/buy a car, have children - because right now, I can't even go to school in September since I can't afford to pay for my classes.
I'm going to dinner for one of my best friends' birthdays next weekend, but I'm not going to be able to eat anything since I can barely afford to buy groceries. One of my friends has offered to pay for me, but I feel like such a loser that can't even go out to dinner once in a blue moon. It's not my birthday, I shouldn't be the one getting the free meal.
I guess some people would be glad to have people who pay for you when you can't afford something, but it doesn't make me feel good at all. I just feel worse every time someone has to lend me money.
One of my dreams is coming true next week - I'm seeing No Doubt in concert. It's seriously one of my dreams and I couldn't be happier about it, but all I can think about it how I don't even know how I can afford the $40 bus ticket to get myself to the concert, let alone any kind of merch that I might want to remember the event. I know it's fickle, but I just wish I could do these things without the thought of having no money ruining everything.
I find myself becoming insanely jealous at people who have full-time jobs; who have had one for a while, or who have just found one. It's really starting to take a toll on my personality and the way I think and I don't like it one bit. I find myself wondering if they truly appreciate the fact that they're able to pay their bills or whether they take it for granted - because if they do, I wish that they would get fired and have to find another job. Because it's not easy.
I'm not asking for a lot to change in my life. All I want is a steady, full-time job where I make a decent enough amount of money. Truth be told, I want lauresque's job, because if I did, I'd be able to make improvements in my life in a few short months. I'd be making enough to pay my bills (not completely off, but I'd be able to manage the monthly payments) and my rent, and buy groceries, and still be able to have somewhat of a social life if I watched my spending. That's all I want. I want to not worry about what creditor is calling me whenever the phone rings. I want to say "yeah, let's go for coffee" when a friend asks me to go out. I want to be able to use my 30% discount at my current bookstore job. I've applied for lauresque's job four times now, and three times, I've been dismissed. I haven't heard about the fourth. And I just applied to it for a fifth time.
I don't know. I needed to get all of that out. This whole thing is consuming my life in a very negative and hurtful way, and I don't want it too. I have a great family, who love and support me through everything. I have amazing roommates, wonderful friends, and a pretty good life. I want to be able to think about that stuff and be happy about what I have - because I know there are a lot of people out there who have less than I do.
I hope I don't sound entitled or whiny - I'm not trying to come off that way. I guess I'm just trying to cope with this ridiculous state of economy and come out on top... or even in the middle.
I don't know. I'll be shocked if you read all that blather.
I apologize for any typos or bad grammar, but I'm too tired and depressed to go back and read it over.