(no subject)
Well, with what's been going on recently, I guess it's time that I made my post, because everyone involved can see it. The other morning I was asked about my feelings for someone that was a mutual friend of Kim's and mine. I had met him through Kim. I told her that we were friends, that was it. She asked me about me and him being "friends with benefits" because apparently he had told a friend of his, that we might become just that. Wow, there's so many things that I need to say, and I don't know what order to put them in.
Ok, first off, me and this guy "M" had just recently started to talk on MSN, Facebook, fad things like that. Honestly, I went into that relationship only wanting to be friends, regardless of what I might have said jokingly to Kim when "M" and I first actually met. The key thing here is that, when I asked about a sexual relationship with him, I had been JOKING! I know that sometimes it's hard to tell when i'm joking, but i'm clearing that up now. Anyways, "M" and I started talking, and he would talk sexual to me, tell me how beautiful I was etc. etc. Honestly, most of the time I thought he was just kidding about having sex with me, as he's in his 30's and i'm only 18 (only til October though). Yes, perhaps I should have made it known that I thought he was kidding, but really, by the things I said in response to his talk usually were such things as "lol" "haha" and "oooh" because I was taking it as a joke. I never had any sexual interest in this man, not because i'm shallow, but because YES, i'm dealing with me own "issues" right now, and honestly don't need someone with there own drama being that close to me.
Secondly, "M" decided to tell his friend, of around the same age i'm guessing, that him and I may be fuck friends, if he was lucky. So, this friend of his decided that he would send me a "random" hello on Facebook. Funny, this hello only came after "M" told him the fuck buddy thing. Now, all of a sudden this guy is wanting to get to know me? I don't think so. Yes, I could be jumping to conclusions that he just wanted in my pants, but the timing really tells me otherwise. He messages Kim about it, and Kim tells him basically to stay the fuck away from me because I don't need him on top of my issues. He takes it upon himself to read my LJ (yes i'm well aware that this is public) and say that yes, I do have a shit load of issues. Actually, what he said was more along the lines as "yes, I read her LJ, she does have issues...wow." Well, I loved how he just took it upon himself to judge me from some posts in my LJ, most of which are OVER a year old. Yes, I have a mental illness, it's called depression, it's not the apocolypse here, other people do suffer from it. Yes, I am suicidal, I haven't tried in a long time, but to me I am still suicidal. Again, not that rare. Yes, I have cut in the past. Not the best way to deal with things, but sorry, i'm not perfect. Really, to sum this all up, I just did not appreciate this man messaging me on Facebook, and I certainly DID NOT appreciate what he said about me having issues.
Yes folks, there is more to this lovely tale i'm telling. Kim, being my best friend all, took it upon herself to tell "M" to stay away from me, in a sexual sense. She told him that I would not beable to cope with the type of relationship that would come along with the sex. She told me everything she was going to say to him, and I did approve of it, as she was looking out for me. Did she have selfish intentions as well? Was Kim also telling him not to have pursue a sexual relationship with me because she and "M" had just broken up? Yes, she could have very well been doing that. BUT, she has a right too, as they have just broken up, and I am her best friend. I mean, I would do the exact same thing in this situation. I also think that she was protecting me though. She told me she was, and I really feel that she was, and she was looking out for everyone in the situation, not just me, not just her, not just "M". Honestly, I think she had the right to say and do what she did. She knows "M" better than I know him, and she knows me better than he does. I trust her decision. Now, I do realize I said she may have had selfish intentions in what she was saying to "M". No, I don't believe thats the soul reason she told him to stay away from me, from what I have known her to say about my past relationships with guys, I KNOW for a FACT, that she was looking out for me more than she was thinking about her own feelings. Well, safe to say "M" did not like what she said at all, told her that it was up to him and I to do what we wanted. So I told him not once, not twice, but THREE times that I thought he was kidding with his sexual sayings. Apparently, for the rare time in my life, I was being subtle. Only after I told him that he creeped me out did he start to get it. Do you think he full understood that I was saying I didn't want sex from him? Of course not. I had to get bitchy with him about it, and tell him that that's not what I wanted, not what I was looking for etc. etc. So now he thinks i'm not going to talk to him anymore and stuff. Fine, whatever people can think what they think.
I feel bad about this situation. I feel that i'm the reason that the friendship between Kim and "M" ended. I feel that if he had not been saying these things to me, or I had realized before hand that he wasn't joking, I could have prevented the end of their friendship. Where do I ultimately stand on this subject? I'm taking Kim's side. I knew what she said to "M" before she said it, and I pretty much gave her the "okay" to go about saying it. So if anyone is to blame here, it's me, not Kim.
Ok, first off, me and this guy "M" had just recently started to talk on MSN, Facebook, fad things like that. Honestly, I went into that relationship only wanting to be friends, regardless of what I might have said jokingly to Kim when "M" and I first actually met. The key thing here is that, when I asked about a sexual relationship with him, I had been JOKING! I know that sometimes it's hard to tell when i'm joking, but i'm clearing that up now. Anyways, "M" and I started talking, and he would talk sexual to me, tell me how beautiful I was etc. etc. Honestly, most of the time I thought he was just kidding about having sex with me, as he's in his 30's and i'm only 18 (only til October though). Yes, perhaps I should have made it known that I thought he was kidding, but really, by the things I said in response to his talk usually were such things as "lol" "haha" and "oooh" because I was taking it as a joke. I never had any sexual interest in this man, not because i'm shallow, but because YES, i'm dealing with me own "issues" right now, and honestly don't need someone with there own drama being that close to me.
Secondly, "M" decided to tell his friend, of around the same age i'm guessing, that him and I may be fuck friends, if he was lucky. So, this friend of his decided that he would send me a "random" hello on Facebook. Funny, this hello only came after "M" told him the fuck buddy thing. Now, all of a sudden this guy is wanting to get to know me? I don't think so. Yes, I could be jumping to conclusions that he just wanted in my pants, but the timing really tells me otherwise. He messages Kim about it, and Kim tells him basically to stay the fuck away from me because I don't need him on top of my issues. He takes it upon himself to read my LJ (yes i'm well aware that this is public) and say that yes, I do have a shit load of issues. Actually, what he said was more along the lines as "yes, I read her LJ, she does have issues...wow." Well, I loved how he just took it upon himself to judge me from some posts in my LJ, most of which are OVER a year old. Yes, I have a mental illness, it's called depression, it's not the apocolypse here, other people do suffer from it. Yes, I am suicidal, I haven't tried in a long time, but to me I am still suicidal. Again, not that rare. Yes, I have cut in the past. Not the best way to deal with things, but sorry, i'm not perfect. Really, to sum this all up, I just did not appreciate this man messaging me on Facebook, and I certainly DID NOT appreciate what he said about me having issues.
Yes folks, there is more to this lovely tale i'm telling. Kim, being my best friend all, took it upon herself to tell "M" to stay away from me, in a sexual sense. She told him that I would not beable to cope with the type of relationship that would come along with the sex. She told me everything she was going to say to him, and I did approve of it, as she was looking out for me. Did she have selfish intentions as well? Was Kim also telling him not to have pursue a sexual relationship with me because she and "M" had just broken up? Yes, she could have very well been doing that. BUT, she has a right too, as they have just broken up, and I am her best friend. I mean, I would do the exact same thing in this situation. I also think that she was protecting me though. She told me she was, and I really feel that she was, and she was looking out for everyone in the situation, not just me, not just her, not just "M". Honestly, I think she had the right to say and do what she did. She knows "M" better than I know him, and she knows me better than he does. I trust her decision. Now, I do realize I said she may have had selfish intentions in what she was saying to "M". No, I don't believe thats the soul reason she told him to stay away from me, from what I have known her to say about my past relationships with guys, I KNOW for a FACT, that she was looking out for me more than she was thinking about her own feelings. Well, safe to say "M" did not like what she said at all, told her that it was up to him and I to do what we wanted. So I told him not once, not twice, but THREE times that I thought he was kidding with his sexual sayings. Apparently, for the rare time in my life, I was being subtle. Only after I told him that he creeped me out did he start to get it. Do you think he full understood that I was saying I didn't want sex from him? Of course not. I had to get bitchy with him about it, and tell him that that's not what I wanted, not what I was looking for etc. etc. So now he thinks i'm not going to talk to him anymore and stuff. Fine, whatever people can think what they think.
I feel bad about this situation. I feel that i'm the reason that the friendship between Kim and "M" ended. I feel that if he had not been saying these things to me, or I had realized before hand that he wasn't joking, I could have prevented the end of their friendship. Where do I ultimately stand on this subject? I'm taking Kim's side. I knew what she said to "M" before she said it, and I pretty much gave her the "okay" to go about saying it. So if anyone is to blame here, it's me, not Kim.