After much gnashing of teeth.

[unfocus]

John left Army of Me. I am kind of heartbroken. Admittedly, AOM have fallen off my radar a bit the last year... But that's hardly surprising when you've been a fan of a band for almost five years and they still have yet to play anywhere remotely near you or the Rockies. John was the only one I talked to! Now if/when AOM finally come here, who am I

Comments

[darianess]

Aw, Army of Me! I remember you gushing about them a couple of years ago. You gushed about them so much that I had went to their web site and downloaded one of the songs they had available. It was called "Be By". I think it was a b-side or something? I can't remember. Anyway, it's in my iTunes and the other day I was going through my mp3s, just looking at what I had, and I saw that song. I totally started thinking about how you never talk about them anymore. So it was weird to log onto eljay and hear you gushing about them again. It look me back to 2002 or something.

Sometimes I feel like an idiot around people. Like I am a complete and utter douche and I can never understand why anyone would ever want me as a friend. Someone is always more interesting than me, someone is always more fun than me, someone is always nicer than me, someone is always prettier than me. Why would anyone ever pick me over all those other people they could be friends with? I think people make people feel incredibly insecure and jealous and stupid. At least that's how they make me feel sometimes.

And at times I think if people really got to know me, like really know me, they would hate me. I'm always so negative and critical of everything and everyone. I imagine that would be so draining for someone else to hear all the time. My friends don't know so many things about me. So I can feel like a liar at times.

Anyway, I've found that I think and feel those things the most when something else is going on in my life. Like something that sucks or is unbearable. Something that I'm not liking about my situation at the time. At the moment I can start thinking and feeling that way because I'm sitting at home all the time, pissed off because I don't have a job but pissed off because I have to find one. And dredging up feelings about how I'm a big fake and I'm not really going to be good enough to hire for any social work job anyway. Then I start thinking about how I suck at everything else. I start cutting out people and not wanting to see them.

Maybe it's like that for you too? Maybe there are some other things in your life that are going on and you hate it. Maybe you are worried about those classes you are taking/have taken? Maybe it's family stuff? Maybe it's a combination of things? If you can identify it, you could work on improving those problems instead (if they exist that is). Cause I've found it's impossible to cut out thoughts about how one can't be around people and how one is a terrible friend unless you start fixing other things in your life. Like taking practical steps and such.

I don't know though. That is a huge generalisation and the same things don't work for everyone. But I hope that there is something you can take away from what I said that could help in any small way. Even if it’s just that someone can relate to what you are saying.

If you ever want to off load crap or anything, e-mail me and we can make an AIM appointment ;)

[unfocus]

Daria. How is it that you always hit the nail on the head? You are dead right, it is (mostly) something else. Those feelings always persist, but it feels like they're constant constant constant in the forefront now. I don't really want to talk about why because I still get all hung up about it and very, very emotional. Like I have never had such an effective device to get me crying. If I start thinking about it more than just a little, the tears just swell up. Not just that, but I also find it petty and stupid and am conflicted over that as well. AHH I SUCK.

Anyway, you are so great and so smart. I think it is truly horrible that you can relate so well to my crappy feelings because you deserve so much better. Thank you. <3 That did help. But, unfortunately, the root of it may only be improved with time. Literal physical time. The waiting and the hoping is probably part of what kills me.