115. FANFIC: "Bright"
Title: Bright
Fandom: EXO
Pairing/Characters: krisyeol
Genre: Angst (sorta)
Words: ~3100
Summary: “Every time, the battle reaches a crescendo inside of him, and then suddenly drops off when he gives Chanyeol’s arm a tug or when he whispers into the younger boy’s ear turn your head a little to the right. And each time, the clamor in his heart doesn’t quite die down enough before it rises rapidly again whenever Chanyeol flashes a smile at empty air.”
It’s slowly breaking him. Every time Chanyeol looks the wrong way, Kris fights with himself over whether he should gently nudge Chanyeol in the right direction so that he can smile for the cameras (like the manager has asked him to do) or to just let him be (like his heart tells him to do). The battle reaches a crescendo inside of him, and then suddenly drops off when he gives Chanyeol’s arm a tug or when he whispers into the younger boy’s ear turn your head a little to the right. And each time, the clamor in his heart doesn’t quite die down enough before it rises rapidly again whenever Chanyeol flashes a smile at empty air. Louder and louder, never quieting down to the same level as before.
Kris once thought that being a good leader and being a good friend are practically the same thing. You can’t be a good leader without being a good friend. But now he wonders: which one comes first?
Everybody says he’s a good leader. Does anybody say he’s a good friend? Maybe this is why, Kris thinks as he places a hand on Chanyeol’s lower back to gently push him. EXO is being lead to a different area for another photo opportunity, and Chanyeol turns to Kris briefly before he feels the hand on his back. Briefly, because Chanyeol trusts him completely, so he marches forward with confident steps, even though the lights are blinding.
Just follow me, Kris said earlier, as the EXO members lined up behind closed doors, ready to make their entrance to the exhibition they were scheduled to attend. Just follow me and you’ll be okay. Only now does he have the hindsight to realize what a lie he has been feeding the younger boy.
But what hurts the most - more so than any internal conflict he is feeling - is seeing Chanyeol smile.
It’s Chanyeol’s award-winning smile plastered on his face as he turns to face the adoring (but cruel) cameras; yet, at the same time, it’s not the same smile. There’s a pain stinging under the surface, thinly veiled. Kris notices Chanyeol squinting from the harsh flashes from the cameras going off every other millisecond; but despite the jolts of pain that comes with each flash of light, Chanyeol still grins at the journalists and the fans. Kris feels an impulsive desire to wrap his arms around the younger boy and shield those wide eyes.
It’s so bright, Chanyeol innocently mouths to Kris when he feels the older boy staring at him.
Cameras flash. Chanyeol smiles (flinches). Kris cracks.
When Chanyeol turns to him, his smile widens a little more. Kris looks into those red, tear-filled eyes and wants to ask Chanyeol if he can even see his face but he’s too afraid of the answer.
--
You have a weird smile.
I know. Teeth-rich, they call me. But you love my weird smile, don’t you?
Don’t ever stop smiling, Chanyeol-ah.
--
When their schedule is done for the day, the twelve members retreat to the safety of their unmarked white vans. Kris carefully maneuvers everybody so that Luhan miraculously ends up riding EXO-K’s van while Chanyeol takes Luhan’s place in EXO-M’s van. (There are some perks to being the leader, Kris thinks; but, admittedly, Luhan already has an incentive to agree to the switch and ride with the K members.)
In the van, nobody says a word about Chanyeol’s condition, at first. Everything’s normal; and "normal" means that Chanyeol is by far the loudest and merriest in the van. Chen shows off by belting out a line from “What is Love,” and Chanyeol wolf-whistles and claps his hands gleefully. Xiumin mentions in passing that his shoulders and neck are aching a little, and Chanyeol immediately jumps on the opportunity to give his hyung a shoulder massage.
Lay is the first one to bring it up. “Chanyeol,” he says in that gentle voice of his. Kris freezes; Lay’s eyes are on him even though he’s not the one Lay is speaking to. “How are your eyes feeling?”
“I feel great!” Chanyeol booms. “There’s no need to worry about me, Lay-hyung!”
Kris’ lips remain tightly sealed for the whole ride back to the dorms. There’s anger swirling and snarling in the pit of his stomach, and he can’t find the words to explain why.
--
“All I see are white spots,” Chanyeol whispers into the dark. “Sometimes I see a halo around you,” he giggles. They’re in Chanyeol’s bed, together, with Kris lying on his side to make sure there’s enough room on the narrow bed for Chanyeol, head propped up with one arm. He can also see Chanyeol’s face more easily like this. The night is so silent that Kris can hear Chanyeol gulp, swallowing down unspoken words. A slender hand gropes atop of the bed covers. “Hyung? I’m scared.”
Kris wants to believe Chanyeol can see (he wants to believe so badly); he waits for Chanyeol’s hand to find his on its own accord but Chanyeol’s hand continues to grasp at fabric and air, not skin and flesh. He can’t bear seeing it anymore, and he swiftly encloses Chanyeol’s hand in his own larger one. His other hand gently brings Chanyeol’s head to rest in the crook of his neck.
I’m scared, too. But he doesn’t say that aloud, because even though he can feel Chanyeol’s lips curve into a small smile against his chest, he can also feel the younger boy’s tears moistening his t-shirt. “I’m not an angel,” he whispers back instead.
--
I want to see the world again, crystal clear.
Are you sure? The surgery looks complicated and there are side effects…
Yes, I’m sure. The surgery isn’t that complicated, really. Besides, I want to know if you’re really as handsome as they say you are. I have a suspicion that glasses don’t do you justice.
Stop joking, Chanyeol-ah. I’m being serious.
I am, too. Don’t worry, hyung. It’ll be fine!
--
They’re at another promotional event. Kris, as the leader, heads the way towards the stage area, the other eleven members following behind. As soon as Kris steps onto the stage, he’s bombarded with flares of light. He feels a hand latch onto the loose material in the back of his shirt; he doesn’t have to turn around to know it’s Chanyeol.
Line up. We are one! Hello everybody, we are EXO! Bow. Stop and pose. Kris goes through the routine without thinking; his mind is elsewhere. Their manager catches Kris’ eye and gestures for him to smile. Kris continues to frown as the shutters click and the lights flash.
He finds himself squinting; there’s too many cameras and too many bodiless journalists’ voices telling him to look here, look here! Is this how Chanyeol feels, he wonders? But he doesn’t feel any pain, he reminds himself. For Chanyeol, there is sharp, shooting pain. Pain that he can’t take away, pain that he’ll never understand.
A shoulder bumps into him, and he feels Chanyeol softly wrap his hand around his slightly raised one, the one holding a microphone.
When he risks a glance at Chanyeol’s face (he mentally braces himself for the tortured look he knows he will see in that angelic face; because no matter how well Chanyeol hides the pain from their hawk-eyed fans, he can never hide it from Kris), the younger boy’s eyes are the widest Kris has ever seen them and there’s an expression of lost and confusion in them. His eyes look glazed over and, most noticeably, they've lost their usual bright twinkle. Alarmed, Kris murmurs into his ear, “What’s wrong?”
Chanyeol blinks, with difficulty, and shakes his head firmly. “Nothing...” Only when Kris’ eyes refuse to leave him does he reluctantly elaborate. “It’s just that... There’s a lot more cameras today than usual, don’t you think?” He gives a shaky laugh.
Kris immediately understands; Chanyeol can’t see a thing right now. There are so many journalists and fans here today that it’s no longer many flashes, many jolts of pain; it’s one steady beam of light shining directly into Chanyeol’s sensitive eyes. He moves to release his hand from Chanyeol’s grip so that he can leave to find their manager, but Chanyeol’s hand tightens instead. “Let me go, I’ll go get the medicated eye drops from manager-hyung-”
“No,” Chanyeol shakes his head again. Dismay joins confusion in his facial expression; he realizes he has said too much. “I’m fine.” He nods towards the microphone in Kris’ hand. “You’re the leader; you have to speak soon. How can you just run off in the middle of the interview like that?”
Frustrated, Kris attempts to free his hand from Chanyeol’s grasp again. I don’t fucking want to be the leader anymore. “That’s not really important right now-“
Kris scowls as Chanyeol grabs the microphone from his hand and starts talking animatedly to the adoring crowd before them, speaking the words that Kris is supposed to deliver. Kris desperately wants to grab the microphone and hurl it as hard as he can into the crowd and then drag Chanyeol off the stage, away from the lights. The cacophony in his heart is reaching a crescendo again, drowning out the screaming fans and yelling reporters and the clicking cameras until all he can hear is his own heart beating loudly in his chest and Chanyeol’s upbeat, happy voice.
The familiar sensation of anger snarling in his stomach is threatening to erupt.
--
As soon as the door to their dorm is unlocked, Kris pushes through everybody, stumbling through the door and kicking off his shoes. Before the rest of the members have even entered, Kris is making a racket, rummaging through cabinets and drawers, checking the cracks between the pillows of the sofa, swiping hands underneath the furniture to check the floor - looking all over the place for the eye drops.
Somewhere in the background, Kris barely registers Suho talking to him. What’s going on, Kris? We agreed that you would talk about how happy we were to be at the exhibition after I introduced the group, why didn’t you speak? Why did Chanyeol have to fill in for you…?
He ignores the other leader, yelling, “Where the fuck is it?!”
(You gave it to me this morning but I got distracted and I must have misplaced it - their manager told him when he asked earlier - I thought I put it in my bag but it’s not here...)
“Hyung,” Chanyeol interrupts, alarm written all over his face. “Hyung, it’s okay; it doesn’t hurt that bad, the eye drops will show up somewhere sooner or later.” He widens his eyes. “See? They’re not even red anymore. Today was fun, wasn’t it? I thought the 3D theater was so cool - and so many fans showed up! Wasn’t it amazing?” Chanyeol grins.
The grin is what makes Kris finally snap completely. Kris’ break down over the past few months (every time he sees Chanyeol face the wrong way for the cameras; every time he sees Chanyeol smile happily into the glaring lights; every time he sees Chanyeol flinch in pain; every single goddamn time) has been so slow and gradual that Kris hasn’t even noticed that there’s nothing left in him except a very broken heart, broken from so many cracks deepening and deepening with every wince of pain Chanyeol fails and succeeds to hide - and anger, lots of anger. Curling in the pit of his stomach like dancing flames, licking his insides until it turns into the size of a bonfire, roaring to life.
Kris frames Chanyeol’s face with both hands, forcing Chanyeol to face him, eye to eye. “Just stop!” Kris shouts. “For once in your life, just stop smiling!”
(Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Kai and Lay, having picked up the warning signs, quietly usher the other members out of the dorm.)
Chanyeol looks startled; this is the loudest he has ever heard Kris raise his voice, never mind the fact that Kris has never so much as yelled at him before. His eyes are still wet, but it’s no longer tears formed from physical pain but tears formed from pain of a different type. “But why?” Chanyeol stumbles over his words. “What’s wrong with smiling? You like it when I smile. You told me! You told me to ‘don’t ever stop smiling-’”
“And I’m telling you to stop now! Stop smiling when you’re not happy. Stop smiling when you’re in fucking pain, goddammit Chanyeol, don’t you get it?” Kris tries to catch his breath, the blood pounding loudly in his ears. ”Don’t pretend to be happy when you’re not, just to make other people happy!”
Chanyeol frees himself from Kris’ grip and takes a couple of steps back, recoiling from Kris’ loud, angry voice. The dorm is empty now, save for the two of them. “Who said I was pretending to be happy? Who said I’m only happy to make other people happy? I think you’re the one who doesn’t get it, hyung!” Chanyeol’s voice was rising now to match Kris’.
Kris openly scoffs at the notion. “I know you better than you know yourself, Chanyeol.”
“Then how could you not know such a simple thing? I smile because I’m happy.” The younger boy stops, a fleeting look of hesitation crossing his eyes, as if he’s unsure whether he should stop talking; but he has already crossed the invisible line. “Why would I stop smiling when I have you by my side?”
Kris’ mouth is suddenly dry. No. Don’t say that.
“Even if I - even if I go fucking blind, I will still smile! I will still smile because I will still be happy and I will still be happy because I am living my dream as an idol, I have eleven brothers who love me and who take care of me, and - and because you, hyung, you will be there with me!” Chanyeol is rambling now, the words pouring out like the tears are. “If you want to be angry at me, hyung, then be angry that I’m selfish. I’m selfish enough that I would ask you to stay with me forever!”
The silence is deafening.
“You don’t want me to stay with you forever, Chanyeol,” Kris murmurs, the tip of his nose burning.
“Yes, I do.” Chanyeol says firmly.
“No, no you don’t,” Kris says, slowly shaking his head. “Don’t follow me anymore. I'm just leading you to more pain, I’m just leading you to places where you’re smiling when you’re getting hurt. I can’t see you smile anymore, not like that.”
“Then I won’t smile! Is that why you’re angry?” Chanyeol takes a step toward Kris but the action only causes Kris to take a step back. “You’re my eyes, hyung, and not because you guide me when all I can see are white lights, but because there’s nothing in the world worth seeing if you’re not there-“
He’s too afraid to hear the rest of that sentence. “I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry I didn’t have your eye drops with me earlier today so that I could give them to you at the moment you needed them. I’m angry that you’re feeling so much pain and I can’t do anything to shoulder it on myself instead. I’m angry that I chose to be a good leader and not a brave friend-”
“Stop,” Chanyeol interrupts. “Don’t ever say that. You’re a good leader - a great leader - and the best friend I could ever ask for, the best friend and more-” He breaks off, and the last word hangs heavily in the space between them.
“Ask me,” Kris says.
Chanyeol’s lips press into a thin line, and he shakes his head, fear in his eyes.
“Ask me now,” Kris repeats. His voice (like his heart has been for too many weeks now) is cracking.
“Will you-” Hesitation. “Will you stay with me forever?”
It’s all Kris needs. Everything is suddenly crystal clear. Nothing matters; nothing ever matters when it comes to Chanyeol. A leader, a friend, something more -- he'll be whatever Chanyeol needs. He closes the distance between them in two quick, long strides and engulfs Chanyeol into a bone-crushing hug (he hears the other boy give a tiny gasp), wrapping his arms around Chanyeol’s narrow shoulders and burying a hand into his curly hair. “Of course,” he says, his voice sounding higher than usual, wavering from fighting unshed tears. “God dammit, Chanyeol, of course.” He feels Chanyeol snake his arms around his torso, nails digging into the back of his t-shirt. Kris gently presses his lips against Chanyeol’s forehead. When he pulls away, Chanyeol is gazing up at him, beaming.
“Why are you smiling now?” Kris asks, brushing Chanyeol’s hair off his forehead.
“I told you. Because I'm happy,” Chanyeol answers simply.
Kris chuckles. “I’m close to crying. That makes you happy?”
“No. I’m happy because the future is looking pretty…” His voice trails off, searching for the right word.
Kris stares into those eyes he knows so well, loving the way they’re looking back at him, loving the way they sparkle, filled to the brim with warmth. There’s a smile playing on his lips and the battle in his heart has died down, permanently. “Bright?” He suggests.
Chanyeol’s entire face lights up. “Yes. Bright.”
--
His heart isn’t going to stop hurting when he sees Chanyeol in pain. But if Chanyeol says it’s going to be okay, then he is going to trust him like Chanyeol trusts him and believe that, one day, there won’t be white lights spotting Chanyeol’s vision.
--
Kris turns his head and catches Chanyeol staring at him. “You okay?” he asks. (Over here, over here! The cameras scream in the background.)
“Yeah!” The other boy nods vigorously, curls bouncing on his head. Kris can’t help but smile.
On the other side of Chanyeol, the other members start walking off the stage. Kris moves first, intending to walk in front of him so that Chanyeol can follow, but Chanyeol stops him with a tug of the arm.
“Let me,” he says firmly, striding past Kris, in the order they are assigned to walk in.
Kris walks beside him, but a little behind. He’s staring at the little smile on Chanyeol’s lips, at the little dimple in his cheek. “You know I love your smile, right?” he murmurs.
Chanyeol turns to look at him, his face glowing. “Yeah, I do. And I love yours too.”
--
Author’s Note: Once upon a time, there was a girl who refused to ship real people. It’s too weird, she said. I can only ship characters from books and manga, she said. And then along came krisyeol. THE THINGS THIS OTP DO TO ME, SOB.
Anyway, I have returned to fanfic writing and this is my first k-pop fic. This fic was inspired by the events at this week’s S.M.ART Exhibition (this, this, this, this, this, and this... omg so much happened), the pictures of Chanyeol’s eyes post-Lasik surgery, and this interview. Please heal soon, Chanyeol bb ;__;
I agonized over this fic a lot. Every word, every image. The end is total crap, I know. OTL The last two sections were not originally a part of the story and, to be honest, I'm still debating whether or not to include it as I click the 'post' button. So, yes, critique and comments welcomed!
Fandom: EXO
Pairing/Characters: krisyeol
Genre: Angst (sorta)
Words: ~3100
Summary: “Every time, the battle reaches a crescendo inside of him, and then suddenly drops off when he gives Chanyeol’s arm a tug or when he whispers into the younger boy’s ear turn your head a little to the right. And each time, the clamor in his heart doesn’t quite die down enough before it rises rapidly again whenever Chanyeol flashes a smile at empty air.”
It’s slowly breaking him. Every time Chanyeol looks the wrong way, Kris fights with himself over whether he should gently nudge Chanyeol in the right direction so that he can smile for the cameras (like the manager has asked him to do) or to just let him be (like his heart tells him to do). The battle reaches a crescendo inside of him, and then suddenly drops off when he gives Chanyeol’s arm a tug or when he whispers into the younger boy’s ear turn your head a little to the right. And each time, the clamor in his heart doesn’t quite die down enough before it rises rapidly again whenever Chanyeol flashes a smile at empty air. Louder and louder, never quieting down to the same level as before.
Kris once thought that being a good leader and being a good friend are practically the same thing. You can’t be a good leader without being a good friend. But now he wonders: which one comes first?
Everybody says he’s a good leader. Does anybody say he’s a good friend? Maybe this is why, Kris thinks as he places a hand on Chanyeol’s lower back to gently push him. EXO is being lead to a different area for another photo opportunity, and Chanyeol turns to Kris briefly before he feels the hand on his back. Briefly, because Chanyeol trusts him completely, so he marches forward with confident steps, even though the lights are blinding.
Just follow me, Kris said earlier, as the EXO members lined up behind closed doors, ready to make their entrance to the exhibition they were scheduled to attend. Just follow me and you’ll be okay. Only now does he have the hindsight to realize what a lie he has been feeding the younger boy.
But what hurts the most - more so than any internal conflict he is feeling - is seeing Chanyeol smile.
It’s Chanyeol’s award-winning smile plastered on his face as he turns to face the adoring (but cruel) cameras; yet, at the same time, it’s not the same smile. There’s a pain stinging under the surface, thinly veiled. Kris notices Chanyeol squinting from the harsh flashes from the cameras going off every other millisecond; but despite the jolts of pain that comes with each flash of light, Chanyeol still grins at the journalists and the fans. Kris feels an impulsive desire to wrap his arms around the younger boy and shield those wide eyes.
It’s so bright, Chanyeol innocently mouths to Kris when he feels the older boy staring at him.
Cameras flash. Chanyeol smiles (flinches). Kris cracks.
When Chanyeol turns to him, his smile widens a little more. Kris looks into those red, tear-filled eyes and wants to ask Chanyeol if he can even see his face but he’s too afraid of the answer.
--
You have a weird smile.
I know. Teeth-rich, they call me. But you love my weird smile, don’t you?
Don’t ever stop smiling, Chanyeol-ah.
--
When their schedule is done for the day, the twelve members retreat to the safety of their unmarked white vans. Kris carefully maneuvers everybody so that Luhan miraculously ends up riding EXO-K’s van while Chanyeol takes Luhan’s place in EXO-M’s van. (There are some perks to being the leader, Kris thinks; but, admittedly, Luhan already has an incentive to agree to the switch and ride with the K members.)
In the van, nobody says a word about Chanyeol’s condition, at first. Everything’s normal; and "normal" means that Chanyeol is by far the loudest and merriest in the van. Chen shows off by belting out a line from “What is Love,” and Chanyeol wolf-whistles and claps his hands gleefully. Xiumin mentions in passing that his shoulders and neck are aching a little, and Chanyeol immediately jumps on the opportunity to give his hyung a shoulder massage.
Lay is the first one to bring it up. “Chanyeol,” he says in that gentle voice of his. Kris freezes; Lay’s eyes are on him even though he’s not the one Lay is speaking to. “How are your eyes feeling?”
“I feel great!” Chanyeol booms. “There’s no need to worry about me, Lay-hyung!”
Kris’ lips remain tightly sealed for the whole ride back to the dorms. There’s anger swirling and snarling in the pit of his stomach, and he can’t find the words to explain why.
--
“All I see are white spots,” Chanyeol whispers into the dark. “Sometimes I see a halo around you,” he giggles. They’re in Chanyeol’s bed, together, with Kris lying on his side to make sure there’s enough room on the narrow bed for Chanyeol, head propped up with one arm. He can also see Chanyeol’s face more easily like this. The night is so silent that Kris can hear Chanyeol gulp, swallowing down unspoken words. A slender hand gropes atop of the bed covers. “Hyung? I’m scared.”
Kris wants to believe Chanyeol can see (he wants to believe so badly); he waits for Chanyeol’s hand to find his on its own accord but Chanyeol’s hand continues to grasp at fabric and air, not skin and flesh. He can’t bear seeing it anymore, and he swiftly encloses Chanyeol’s hand in his own larger one. His other hand gently brings Chanyeol’s head to rest in the crook of his neck.
I’m scared, too. But he doesn’t say that aloud, because even though he can feel Chanyeol’s lips curve into a small smile against his chest, he can also feel the younger boy’s tears moistening his t-shirt. “I’m not an angel,” he whispers back instead.
--
I want to see the world again, crystal clear.
Are you sure? The surgery looks complicated and there are side effects…
Yes, I’m sure. The surgery isn’t that complicated, really. Besides, I want to know if you’re really as handsome as they say you are. I have a suspicion that glasses don’t do you justice.
Stop joking, Chanyeol-ah. I’m being serious.
I am, too. Don’t worry, hyung. It’ll be fine!
--
They’re at another promotional event. Kris, as the leader, heads the way towards the stage area, the other eleven members following behind. As soon as Kris steps onto the stage, he’s bombarded with flares of light. He feels a hand latch onto the loose material in the back of his shirt; he doesn’t have to turn around to know it’s Chanyeol.
Line up. We are one! Hello everybody, we are EXO! Bow. Stop and pose. Kris goes through the routine without thinking; his mind is elsewhere. Their manager catches Kris’ eye and gestures for him to smile. Kris continues to frown as the shutters click and the lights flash.
He finds himself squinting; there’s too many cameras and too many bodiless journalists’ voices telling him to look here, look here! Is this how Chanyeol feels, he wonders? But he doesn’t feel any pain, he reminds himself. For Chanyeol, there is sharp, shooting pain. Pain that he can’t take away, pain that he’ll never understand.
A shoulder bumps into him, and he feels Chanyeol softly wrap his hand around his slightly raised one, the one holding a microphone.
When he risks a glance at Chanyeol’s face (he mentally braces himself for the tortured look he knows he will see in that angelic face; because no matter how well Chanyeol hides the pain from their hawk-eyed fans, he can never hide it from Kris), the younger boy’s eyes are the widest Kris has ever seen them and there’s an expression of lost and confusion in them. His eyes look glazed over and, most noticeably, they've lost their usual bright twinkle. Alarmed, Kris murmurs into his ear, “What’s wrong?”
Chanyeol blinks, with difficulty, and shakes his head firmly. “Nothing...” Only when Kris’ eyes refuse to leave him does he reluctantly elaborate. “It’s just that... There’s a lot more cameras today than usual, don’t you think?” He gives a shaky laugh.
Kris immediately understands; Chanyeol can’t see a thing right now. There are so many journalists and fans here today that it’s no longer many flashes, many jolts of pain; it’s one steady beam of light shining directly into Chanyeol’s sensitive eyes. He moves to release his hand from Chanyeol’s grip so that he can leave to find their manager, but Chanyeol’s hand tightens instead. “Let me go, I’ll go get the medicated eye drops from manager-hyung-”
“No,” Chanyeol shakes his head again. Dismay joins confusion in his facial expression; he realizes he has said too much. “I’m fine.” He nods towards the microphone in Kris’ hand. “You’re the leader; you have to speak soon. How can you just run off in the middle of the interview like that?”
Frustrated, Kris attempts to free his hand from Chanyeol’s grasp again. I don’t fucking want to be the leader anymore. “That’s not really important right now-“
Kris scowls as Chanyeol grabs the microphone from his hand and starts talking animatedly to the adoring crowd before them, speaking the words that Kris is supposed to deliver. Kris desperately wants to grab the microphone and hurl it as hard as he can into the crowd and then drag Chanyeol off the stage, away from the lights. The cacophony in his heart is reaching a crescendo again, drowning out the screaming fans and yelling reporters and the clicking cameras until all he can hear is his own heart beating loudly in his chest and Chanyeol’s upbeat, happy voice.
The familiar sensation of anger snarling in his stomach is threatening to erupt.
--
As soon as the door to their dorm is unlocked, Kris pushes through everybody, stumbling through the door and kicking off his shoes. Before the rest of the members have even entered, Kris is making a racket, rummaging through cabinets and drawers, checking the cracks between the pillows of the sofa, swiping hands underneath the furniture to check the floor - looking all over the place for the eye drops.
Somewhere in the background, Kris barely registers Suho talking to him. What’s going on, Kris? We agreed that you would talk about how happy we were to be at the exhibition after I introduced the group, why didn’t you speak? Why did Chanyeol have to fill in for you…?
He ignores the other leader, yelling, “Where the fuck is it?!”
(You gave it to me this morning but I got distracted and I must have misplaced it - their manager told him when he asked earlier - I thought I put it in my bag but it’s not here...)
“Hyung,” Chanyeol interrupts, alarm written all over his face. “Hyung, it’s okay; it doesn’t hurt that bad, the eye drops will show up somewhere sooner or later.” He widens his eyes. “See? They’re not even red anymore. Today was fun, wasn’t it? I thought the 3D theater was so cool - and so many fans showed up! Wasn’t it amazing?” Chanyeol grins.
The grin is what makes Kris finally snap completely. Kris’ break down over the past few months (every time he sees Chanyeol face the wrong way for the cameras; every time he sees Chanyeol smile happily into the glaring lights; every time he sees Chanyeol flinch in pain; every single goddamn time) has been so slow and gradual that Kris hasn’t even noticed that there’s nothing left in him except a very broken heart, broken from so many cracks deepening and deepening with every wince of pain Chanyeol fails and succeeds to hide - and anger, lots of anger. Curling in the pit of his stomach like dancing flames, licking his insides until it turns into the size of a bonfire, roaring to life.
Kris frames Chanyeol’s face with both hands, forcing Chanyeol to face him, eye to eye. “Just stop!” Kris shouts. “For once in your life, just stop smiling!”
(Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees Kai and Lay, having picked up the warning signs, quietly usher the other members out of the dorm.)
Chanyeol looks startled; this is the loudest he has ever heard Kris raise his voice, never mind the fact that Kris has never so much as yelled at him before. His eyes are still wet, but it’s no longer tears formed from physical pain but tears formed from pain of a different type. “But why?” Chanyeol stumbles over his words. “What’s wrong with smiling? You like it when I smile. You told me! You told me to ‘don’t ever stop smiling-’”
“And I’m telling you to stop now! Stop smiling when you’re not happy. Stop smiling when you’re in fucking pain, goddammit Chanyeol, don’t you get it?” Kris tries to catch his breath, the blood pounding loudly in his ears. ”Don’t pretend to be happy when you’re not, just to make other people happy!”
Chanyeol frees himself from Kris’ grip and takes a couple of steps back, recoiling from Kris’ loud, angry voice. The dorm is empty now, save for the two of them. “Who said I was pretending to be happy? Who said I’m only happy to make other people happy? I think you’re the one who doesn’t get it, hyung!” Chanyeol’s voice was rising now to match Kris’.
Kris openly scoffs at the notion. “I know you better than you know yourself, Chanyeol.”
“Then how could you not know such a simple thing? I smile because I’m happy.” The younger boy stops, a fleeting look of hesitation crossing his eyes, as if he’s unsure whether he should stop talking; but he has already crossed the invisible line. “Why would I stop smiling when I have you by my side?”
Kris’ mouth is suddenly dry. No. Don’t say that.
“Even if I - even if I go fucking blind, I will still smile! I will still smile because I will still be happy and I will still be happy because I am living my dream as an idol, I have eleven brothers who love me and who take care of me, and - and because you, hyung, you will be there with me!” Chanyeol is rambling now, the words pouring out like the tears are. “If you want to be angry at me, hyung, then be angry that I’m selfish. I’m selfish enough that I would ask you to stay with me forever!”
The silence is deafening.
“You don’t want me to stay with you forever, Chanyeol,” Kris murmurs, the tip of his nose burning.
“Yes, I do.” Chanyeol says firmly.
“No, no you don’t,” Kris says, slowly shaking his head. “Don’t follow me anymore. I'm just leading you to more pain, I’m just leading you to places where you’re smiling when you’re getting hurt. I can’t see you smile anymore, not like that.”
“Then I won’t smile! Is that why you’re angry?” Chanyeol takes a step toward Kris but the action only causes Kris to take a step back. “You’re my eyes, hyung, and not because you guide me when all I can see are white lights, but because there’s nothing in the world worth seeing if you’re not there-“
He’s too afraid to hear the rest of that sentence. “I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry I didn’t have your eye drops with me earlier today so that I could give them to you at the moment you needed them. I’m angry that you’re feeling so much pain and I can’t do anything to shoulder it on myself instead. I’m angry that I chose to be a good leader and not a brave friend-”
“Stop,” Chanyeol interrupts. “Don’t ever say that. You’re a good leader - a great leader - and the best friend I could ever ask for, the best friend and more-” He breaks off, and the last word hangs heavily in the space between them.
“Ask me,” Kris says.
Chanyeol’s lips press into a thin line, and he shakes his head, fear in his eyes.
“Ask me now,” Kris repeats. His voice (like his heart has been for too many weeks now) is cracking.
“Will you-” Hesitation. “Will you stay with me forever?”
It’s all Kris needs. Everything is suddenly crystal clear. Nothing matters; nothing ever matters when it comes to Chanyeol. A leader, a friend, something more -- he'll be whatever Chanyeol needs. He closes the distance between them in two quick, long strides and engulfs Chanyeol into a bone-crushing hug (he hears the other boy give a tiny gasp), wrapping his arms around Chanyeol’s narrow shoulders and burying a hand into his curly hair. “Of course,” he says, his voice sounding higher than usual, wavering from fighting unshed tears. “God dammit, Chanyeol, of course.” He feels Chanyeol snake his arms around his torso, nails digging into the back of his t-shirt. Kris gently presses his lips against Chanyeol’s forehead. When he pulls away, Chanyeol is gazing up at him, beaming.
“Why are you smiling now?” Kris asks, brushing Chanyeol’s hair off his forehead.
“I told you. Because I'm happy,” Chanyeol answers simply.
Kris chuckles. “I’m close to crying. That makes you happy?”
“No. I’m happy because the future is looking pretty…” His voice trails off, searching for the right word.
Kris stares into those eyes he knows so well, loving the way they’re looking back at him, loving the way they sparkle, filled to the brim with warmth. There’s a smile playing on his lips and the battle in his heart has died down, permanently. “Bright?” He suggests.
Chanyeol’s entire face lights up. “Yes. Bright.”
--
His heart isn’t going to stop hurting when he sees Chanyeol in pain. But if Chanyeol says it’s going to be okay, then he is going to trust him like Chanyeol trusts him and believe that, one day, there won’t be white lights spotting Chanyeol’s vision.
--
Kris turns his head and catches Chanyeol staring at him. “You okay?” he asks. (Over here, over here! The cameras scream in the background.)
“Yeah!” The other boy nods vigorously, curls bouncing on his head. Kris can’t help but smile.
On the other side of Chanyeol, the other members start walking off the stage. Kris moves first, intending to walk in front of him so that Chanyeol can follow, but Chanyeol stops him with a tug of the arm.
“Let me,” he says firmly, striding past Kris, in the order they are assigned to walk in.
Kris walks beside him, but a little behind. He’s staring at the little smile on Chanyeol’s lips, at the little dimple in his cheek. “You know I love your smile, right?” he murmurs.
Chanyeol turns to look at him, his face glowing. “Yeah, I do. And I love yours too.”
--
Author’s Note: Once upon a time, there was a girl who refused to ship real people. It’s too weird, she said. I can only ship characters from books and manga, she said. And then along came krisyeol. THE THINGS THIS OTP DO TO ME, SOB.
Anyway, I have returned to fanfic writing and this is my first k-pop fic. This fic was inspired by the events at this week’s S.M.ART Exhibition (this, this, this, this, this, and this... omg so much happened), the pictures of Chanyeol’s eyes post-Lasik surgery, and this interview. Please heal soon, Chanyeol bb ;__;
I agonized over this fic a lot. Every word, every image. The end is total crap, I know. OTL The last two sections were not originally a part of the story and, to be honest, I'm still debating whether or not to include it as I click the 'post' button. So, yes, critique and comments welcomed!