(no subject)
Im trying very hard NOT to completely fall back into the person I was a while ago. That being in terms of a relationship. So when I work hard to not freak out and over exagerate things in my head...DO NOT act like you still know whats going on up there. DO NOT assume that my thought process is still that way. DO NOT think that since I was a little wacked out in the head about stuff for a few weeks that that means that is how Im gonna be from here on out. Especially when it is blatenly obvious that I've been trying very hard to stay calm and not let things get the best of me, especially when these things happen while Im stressed out at work. And yet, you purposly try to make me jealous, purposly try to get me mad. And when I dont specifically get just jealous or just mad, when I seem hurt it's "oh god, thats so dumb, your reading too much into it." Well I believed that for a while, which was good. I DID look too hard into some things and DID get overly emotional over absolutly nothing. But not lately. Its lately I have realized you say some stuff on purpose. Why? Do you find it humorous? Does it make you feel like more of a man? Does it make you feel like you have the upper hand in the relationship because you have that power? Remember how I told you, that me realizing that you could have that kind of power over me scares the hell out of me? That the last time I let into that power I completly changed who I was, without his or my realizing it? I made it very clear that I wanted no games. You say it's not a game...but it is. So I tell you this, pour my heart out over the entire situation and what do you do?.....you take advantage of it?! Holy hell! I mean seriously. I figured you were past this bull shit. And maybe your ex girlfriends didnt really care, or were too tuff to be effected by the things that you say sometimes. But I will openly admit....I am not that tuff. I figured in telling you that that it would make you a little more understanding to the way I feel, a little more sensitive, compasionate even. Yeah, that was wrong. I could scream, seriously. I want to break down and cry, but I know that if I do that all I will be doing is letting your stupid words and attempts at upsetting me win. So I refuse to cry, scream, or punch something....no matter how much I want to. Maybe the way you were today is because you werent feeling well, maybe the way you have been for the past week is because your stressed out at work. Maybe some of the things you say to me to purposly upset me or make me jealous are to make you feel like you have some sort of control over SOMETHING in your life. Well let me tell you....my emotions WILL NOT be your puppet, giving up to your every demand. You want to feel extra wanted?...so you say things to make me jealous. You want to make sure your not getting too close?...so you say things to make me mad. Yeah, seems like a pretty easy plan, pretty good idea....for a highschooler. Maybe all your exes were immature, or NOT more mature than their age. Some may not agree with me, but I have matured beyond my age in the past few years. Immatureity would allow that kind of control, would let it effect their every mind set. Not me, not now. I dont relye on other people for my happiness...and if that is what I have become...than I need to take a step back. And I know Im right on all this. I may not always be right, but I know I've nailed it on the head here. I wont let myself cry, I wont let myself be hurt........
....but it still hurts
....but it still hurts