Well, I finished my homework ha ha ha *beats face against computer screen*
My first 'Quality' peice of work for english, lets see if you agree. Oh, and if you read this before lunch tomorrow, feel free to edit it for me.
Acting with Masks on the Stage of Life
I have been called, loud, personable, outgoing, arrogant, lazy, and a know-it-all. I am the kind of person everyone sees as the happy go lucky friend that they can lean on. I am seen as someone who is a pillar of strength, both emotional, and physical, when in all truth, I have trouble keeping track of my own life, and I always help others more than myself. I am an actor.
I’m an actor, because I wear emotional masks. I wear these masks to try and deal with, ignore, or hide how I am really feeling. I have tried to show my dark side to the rest of the world, but it almost always scares them. It scares me too, because there is such a big difference between the Steve Backman that everyone sees on a daily basis, and the one boiling inside of me. I try to keep a positive attitude, by focusing on the good things and forgetting about the bad, but because my brain runs on overdrive all the time, the negative thoughts come rushing back at the worst times. I am not comfortable with the fact that people have come to expect me to be happy all the time, in fact, more than unhappy with this, I have come to resent it.
My grade 11 year was full of angst, and disappointment. People were disappointed in me, because I stopped acting, and the darkness took over, stopping me from being able to concentrate and function normally. I scraped through the year, coming out feeling emotionally battered and bruised, with most of the credits I was supposed to get, and with only a small piece of my pride intact. I made ‘improvements’ over the summer, in other words, I found a few ways to deal with my demons. I started using my online journal, which I wrote in whenever I felt strongly about something, I wrote poetry (I first found poetry to be very therapeutic in grade Ten,) and I left my world behind by reading about other ones in the books that I had. I found my balance, my personal balance, as I was practically alone all summer. I found ways to be happy, and a mentality where I just put the negative thoughts out of my mind. This plan worked, when there was nothing to distract me. (My darkness has a lot to do with my trouble concentrating.) The new school year started, and I was actually looking forward to it, because of my newfound state of mind. I figured that because I went into this year with a positive attitude that I would be able to maintain control, and have a successful year. I realized that I was very wrong after a few days. Once the workload got to a steady pace, the darkness started to creep back up on me. I kept faces, maintained my finely honed actors mask, the joker, on until one night, when I broke down in front of my dad, after writing a poem, the first one I had written in a long time. The stress snapped my mask, and I was left naked, my true feelings open to the world for everyone to see. I write this now, the day after, not on time, but during lunch period and into this class itself, a perfect example of how my masks, my mentality, and the way that I hide the bad things away, has caused even more stresses. Causing me to lose what I thought I had, a grasp on my own life, some fraction of control. And now I’m sitting here, distracted from what I am supposed to be doing, having just been yelled at for trying to finish, feeling guilty, helpless and alone. I’ve acted myself onto my own stage, alone and afraid, I have no stage lights, and don’t know what to say, what to do.
And the poem that goes with it
Relapse
Drifting in the boat
Scared,
Alone again
The pressures push
Pull, move and slam
Taking over
Lost once more
Under deep frothing waves
Time stops moving
There is only guilt
Shame, regret
Nothing to hold on to
It becomes harder to grasp
Anything
More pressure
Head aching, mind racing
Clawing towards clear
Ground
Trapped, frozen
Forsaken in the throes
In pain and confusion
Cold bodies stand
On the shore
Giving the final farewell
Drifting away,
And no hands reach out
To save me
To hold me
Tell me everything
Is alright
No one is willing to lie
To try
I am lost again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Acting with Masks on the Stage of Life
I have been called, loud, personable, outgoing, arrogant, lazy, and a know-it-all. I am the kind of person everyone sees as the happy go lucky friend that they can lean on. I am seen as someone who is a pillar of strength, both emotional, and physical, when in all truth, I have trouble keeping track of my own life, and I always help others more than myself. I am an actor.
I’m an actor, because I wear emotional masks. I wear these masks to try and deal with, ignore, or hide how I am really feeling. I have tried to show my dark side to the rest of the world, but it almost always scares them. It scares me too, because there is such a big difference between the Steve Backman that everyone sees on a daily basis, and the one boiling inside of me. I try to keep a positive attitude, by focusing on the good things and forgetting about the bad, but because my brain runs on overdrive all the time, the negative thoughts come rushing back at the worst times. I am not comfortable with the fact that people have come to expect me to be happy all the time, in fact, more than unhappy with this, I have come to resent it.
My grade 11 year was full of angst, and disappointment. People were disappointed in me, because I stopped acting, and the darkness took over, stopping me from being able to concentrate and function normally. I scraped through the year, coming out feeling emotionally battered and bruised, with most of the credits I was supposed to get, and with only a small piece of my pride intact. I made ‘improvements’ over the summer, in other words, I found a few ways to deal with my demons. I started using my online journal, which I wrote in whenever I felt strongly about something, I wrote poetry (I first found poetry to be very therapeutic in grade Ten,) and I left my world behind by reading about other ones in the books that I had. I found my balance, my personal balance, as I was practically alone all summer. I found ways to be happy, and a mentality where I just put the negative thoughts out of my mind. This plan worked, when there was nothing to distract me. (My darkness has a lot to do with my trouble concentrating.) The new school year started, and I was actually looking forward to it, because of my newfound state of mind. I figured that because I went into this year with a positive attitude that I would be able to maintain control, and have a successful year. I realized that I was very wrong after a few days. Once the workload got to a steady pace, the darkness started to creep back up on me. I kept faces, maintained my finely honed actors mask, the joker, on until one night, when I broke down in front of my dad, after writing a poem, the first one I had written in a long time. The stress snapped my mask, and I was left naked, my true feelings open to the world for everyone to see. I write this now, the day after, not on time, but during lunch period and into this class itself, a perfect example of how my masks, my mentality, and the way that I hide the bad things away, has caused even more stresses. Causing me to lose what I thought I had, a grasp on my own life, some fraction of control. And now I’m sitting here, distracted from what I am supposed to be doing, having just been yelled at for trying to finish, feeling guilty, helpless and alone. I’ve acted myself onto my own stage, alone and afraid, I have no stage lights, and don’t know what to say, what to do.
And the poem that goes with it
Relapse
Drifting in the boat
Scared,
Alone again
The pressures push
Pull, move and slam
Taking over
Lost once more
Under deep frothing waves
Time stops moving
There is only guilt
Shame, regret
Nothing to hold on to
It becomes harder to grasp
Anything
More pressure
Head aching, mind racing
Clawing towards clear
Ground
Trapped, frozen
Forsaken in the throes
In pain and confusion
Cold bodies stand
On the shore
Giving the final farewell
Drifting away,
And no hands reach out
To save me
To hold me
Tell me everything
Is alright
No one is willing to lie
To try
I am lost again
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~