Clings to your hands like water and sand, will lose it's way when you're gone
Well... here I am, my first week of grade 12 over, and feeling weird again. Its always hard to explain what I mean when I say that I'm feeling weird, I mean its not like I'm feeling bad or anything, its just I feel different and strange, and I feel new feelings. In that sense I'll try and explain to you what I mean. I just had my best week at school that I have ever had. ever. period. seriously. I mean it was really great, I have the best teachers, who all treat me like I am worth something and that my opinion is important. I mean ok heres a list of teachers and what I like. Ms. Gordon, who I have 'Fearbook' with, has to be one of the greatest teachers I know, she is very comfortable with what she does and teaches in a way that actually makes the work interesting. I have Mr. O'Connel (I bet I spelled his name wrong.. oops sorry) for math, I haven't had a male math teacher since grade 9, and I enjoy it, I know this sounds strange, but I like having a guy math teacher... you may all speculate over this if you wish... (if it'll make you happy... I'm here to please ;) lol) but yeah, hes got a dry sense of humour and really knows what he is talking about, he's also very patient and is good at making sure that everything is clear. You all are thinking about me right now and going, this guy's a nut, why is he telling us all this? Well its because I'm amazed that I have all good teachers, and that I'm being treated the way I am in my classes, and that I'm doing so well at school. So, after lunch, I have English, with Ms. Van Alystne, and I will say, that she is a really interesting teacher, she is a very vibrant person once she gets going teaching, and I like that. I have never had a teacher like her before, and that is a really neat thing, I like the way that she goes about teaching the class, and the way that she tells it to us straight and actually wants us to understand our work (most teachers want you to memorise it instead.) And last but definately not the least is Mr. Arthurs, who I have west and the world with. He is hilarious, I didn't realize that he taught his classes the same way that he talked to people in the halls, but he actually has a really effective teaching method. I would call it, being yourself, he is himself all the time, in the classroom or not, and he treats his class the same way he treats anyone else. This makes for students who are really involved, I mean its one thing to have some teacher be all formal and boring on purpose, but its another thing comepletly when you are talked to as an equal. His class is always fun and always educational, as he almost tricks you into learning by getting you involved and making what you are learning interesting and fun. And that is that, I will have to say that I have been having better days at school than I have at home. You know, sometimes I wish that I was Harry Potter, so that I could live at school, and not have to come home every day. I mean yeah, I'd have to deal with death eaters and annoying house elves and dragons and stuff, but it would be so worth it to be able to not have to go home to the crap that goes on around here. I don't really want to get into it, because I'd have to think about it and then I would get mad again. But I'll just say that the stupid fighting and the angsty crap thats going on really doesn't make me feel great. And I find its actually starting to get to me in a big bad way, which is scary considering its hard for stuff like that to get to me. Here's a good question, when is the only time that you have all seen me mad? If ever? I mean if you have, it will have been when it had something to do with my family. I don't get mad otherwise. I just don't like to, its not a good thing to be.
I've also had a lot of confusing things happen to me in the past few months relationship wise, between break ups and everything else, and I have come to the conclusion that I've had enough of being the one who is head over heels in love, when the other person isn't sure. Thats what has happened to me in every relationship since Amanda, she's the example of what I want to happen, I mean we both clicked, we were crazy for eachother, neither of us had any doubts at all about how much we liked one another. I haven't had that with the rest of the people I've dated, ever. I mean I'm not trying to say that I've lost my one chance at love (amanda's feeling guilty right now unless I explain) I mean I don't think that we would have broken up if it wasn't what we both knew we had to do, and I don't think that there's only ever one love or anything like that. I have had enough of being a trial version, or being on probation, where the girl actually goes out with me to see if they like me, and then get bored of me, or make up their mind, or whatever you want to call it, and dump me. I want to click with someone again, and I'm willing to wait as long as I need to for that to happen. Look at the statement that most people use, single and looking. I really don't understand that concept, because you're never going to find love if you go looking for it, you need to have it find you, accidentally. Love should not be something forced, it should be real. I go back again to my whole philosophy on not forcing anything like love to happen, to just let it grow and change as time goes on, eventually something good will come my way. Until that point, I'm going to be happy being single, and stop looking at anything anyone does as a hint at them liking me, or me liking them, I'm not going to be scared to be myself around people, and I;m just going to stop thinking like that at all. I find that I get myself so confused and torn over the fact that I see so many qualities in the girls I like that I can't make up my mind, that I forget what is really important, those sparks, that inital clicking, where you know that you really like that person. I will now call myself comfortably single, not single and looking, or single and not looking, just comfortably single. I will be myself, and be free for a while, and see how it turns out, and the way I see it, if love really wants me, it'll come find me I don't need to look for it.
I hope you all at school are having a great time, and that all of you are doing well, I miss every one of you, even those who aren't gone, I haven't had enough time with any of you yet this year (I spent the summer mostly alone.) I want to just be with my friends and forget about relationships and love and all that stuff, and just be comfortable with myself for a while, so that I can be ready for love later, when I feel more equipped to give a relationship my all. I need to forget about all of the hurt and stupidity, both in my love life and at home, and you all are better at making me feel better than anything else I could think of. I hope you all know how much I appreciate you, even if I forget to show it sometimes. I hope to see you all soon, and I miss you all so much.
Talk to everyone real soon
Steve
I've also had a lot of confusing things happen to me in the past few months relationship wise, between break ups and everything else, and I have come to the conclusion that I've had enough of being the one who is head over heels in love, when the other person isn't sure. Thats what has happened to me in every relationship since Amanda, she's the example of what I want to happen, I mean we both clicked, we were crazy for eachother, neither of us had any doubts at all about how much we liked one another. I haven't had that with the rest of the people I've dated, ever. I mean I'm not trying to say that I've lost my one chance at love (amanda's feeling guilty right now unless I explain) I mean I don't think that we would have broken up if it wasn't what we both knew we had to do, and I don't think that there's only ever one love or anything like that. I have had enough of being a trial version, or being on probation, where the girl actually goes out with me to see if they like me, and then get bored of me, or make up their mind, or whatever you want to call it, and dump me. I want to click with someone again, and I'm willing to wait as long as I need to for that to happen. Look at the statement that most people use, single and looking. I really don't understand that concept, because you're never going to find love if you go looking for it, you need to have it find you, accidentally. Love should not be something forced, it should be real. I go back again to my whole philosophy on not forcing anything like love to happen, to just let it grow and change as time goes on, eventually something good will come my way. Until that point, I'm going to be happy being single, and stop looking at anything anyone does as a hint at them liking me, or me liking them, I'm not going to be scared to be myself around people, and I;m just going to stop thinking like that at all. I find that I get myself so confused and torn over the fact that I see so many qualities in the girls I like that I can't make up my mind, that I forget what is really important, those sparks, that inital clicking, where you know that you really like that person. I will now call myself comfortably single, not single and looking, or single and not looking, just comfortably single. I will be myself, and be free for a while, and see how it turns out, and the way I see it, if love really wants me, it'll come find me I don't need to look for it.
I hope you all at school are having a great time, and that all of you are doing well, I miss every one of you, even those who aren't gone, I haven't had enough time with any of you yet this year (I spent the summer mostly alone.) I want to just be with my friends and forget about relationships and love and all that stuff, and just be comfortable with myself for a while, so that I can be ready for love later, when I feel more equipped to give a relationship my all. I need to forget about all of the hurt and stupidity, both in my love life and at home, and you all are better at making me feel better than anything else I could think of. I hope you all know how much I appreciate you, even if I forget to show it sometimes. I hope to see you all soon, and I miss you all so much.
Talk to everyone real soon
Steve