(no subject)
I'm so fucking lost right now. It hurts so much to want to cause myself physical pain in hopes to numb the emotions. Really I don't even know what to say. It's not that things are horrible for me because they are not. But I can't describe the way it feels to not feel at home anywhere. My whole life has turned upside down this year. It's like everything in my life has been building up to this point where I collapse into not knowing what the hell is going on. I don't know who to trust, what to think, who to be, what to think of everything I used to be and who I am now, where I want to be, how to get there, who to listen to and who to disregard. How can I turn my back on God when he was the only one who got me through everything in my childhood? How can I say I don't need him now when everyday I find myself thinking of ways to kill myself? I'm not doing this right. I'm not where I need to be. I'm so worried about money while not being able to do anything about it because I'm being hindered mentally and spiritually. I want to get better but I don't know how. I want someone to talk to. I've listened to so many people in my life and I'm hurting so bad for someone to hear me right now. I hate feeling so alone and knowing at the same time that I'm shutting people out. I can honestly say that I really really really don't know what to do. But if I don't do something I'm headed for a nervous breakdown and it scares me. Why do I have to be weak to be strong? Why can't I just be strong?