(no subject)
So tampa has been a lot of fun, actually.. i've done a lot and met a lot of people so far.
i haven't met anyone that i thought was really going to be a real friend or anyting like that.
tried talking to this 1 dude and he turned out to be crazy. within 10 minutes of meeting me, he tried to kiss me and stuff and it threw me off guard and made me uncomfortable. i walked away from him needless to say.
ugh
i really miss matt like sooo much. i act like i don't give a fuck, but when i'm laying in bed with niko at my feet, i always think about him and think about whether or not i'll stop feeling this way.
i act sooo hard and everything, and i've been strong. i haven't talked to him or anything, but i really want to. and it takes everything in me to not call him or anything.
i know i'm moving forward, but i miss that connection and friendship that i had with him. i miss knowing that he loved me.. even though he always treated me wrong and never made efforts to do anything right, i miss how i felt when we laid together or slept together. i miss being naked and knowing that he liked it.. i miss his naked body and everything about us together.
and maybe i'm just being emotional.. i'm going on 3 weeks here and i haven't really gone too crazy. i've been going out and doing things.. and believe me, i've had a lot of fun doing it! but i can't help that i'm absolutely in love with the man that made me feel unappreciated, but comfortable.
and i was talking to 1 of my friends and he said "comfortable isn't love. comfortable is safe which is why you kept going back." And yeah, i do know that.. but to be honest, i loved matt's personality too. i wish he would shine the way i see him.
but anyway
i blocked him on facebook and i'm not going to bother anymore. i feel like my friendship with him is completely over. my life with him is over and it took me a minute.. but i'm finally breaking down about it. i wish i didn't feel like this, but i knew it would catch up with me eventually.
i have to go through this hurt and pain to get through this. i have to fucking just suck it up, and let it go. there are millions of people in the world.. why do i want him so fucking bad?
whatever.
ANYWAY
working 10-8 today.. which totally sucks. and i'm working a lot tomorrow and the next day! wtf
i have a george porter jr show tomorrow night, which is fucking AWESOME andddd i'm sooo excited! i love it! i can't waittt.
and great.. matt texted me asking what time the show was. if he shows up, idk what i'm going to do or how i'm going to act, because i know he'll be trying to talk to gary and nalani.
i had a talk to gary the other night at o briens during a show, and he was like "i knew you weren't happy before.. and look at you now!" and yeah.. i can definitely say i am happy.. but FUCK ugh.
have you ever been with someone that you just enjoyed being around. you don't have to talk or touch, but the fact that they are present makes you happy? idk what matt and i have.. but it's something. it's something that i've never truely found with anyone else. taylor and adam were different.. it was long distance and a few times seeing each other.. yeah it lasted years but matt and i litterally spent 24/7 together and when he was in jail, we constantly talked on the phone
idk
i just have to forget. i just have to be strong like i have been and put it in the back of my mind. i just wish i really didn't care.
i haven't met anyone that i thought was really going to be a real friend or anyting like that.
tried talking to this 1 dude and he turned out to be crazy. within 10 minutes of meeting me, he tried to kiss me and stuff and it threw me off guard and made me uncomfortable. i walked away from him needless to say.
ugh
i really miss matt like sooo much. i act like i don't give a fuck, but when i'm laying in bed with niko at my feet, i always think about him and think about whether or not i'll stop feeling this way.
i act sooo hard and everything, and i've been strong. i haven't talked to him or anything, but i really want to. and it takes everything in me to not call him or anything.
i know i'm moving forward, but i miss that connection and friendship that i had with him. i miss knowing that he loved me.. even though he always treated me wrong and never made efforts to do anything right, i miss how i felt when we laid together or slept together. i miss being naked and knowing that he liked it.. i miss his naked body and everything about us together.
and maybe i'm just being emotional.. i'm going on 3 weeks here and i haven't really gone too crazy. i've been going out and doing things.. and believe me, i've had a lot of fun doing it! but i can't help that i'm absolutely in love with the man that made me feel unappreciated, but comfortable.
and i was talking to 1 of my friends and he said "comfortable isn't love. comfortable is safe which is why you kept going back." And yeah, i do know that.. but to be honest, i loved matt's personality too. i wish he would shine the way i see him.
but anyway
i blocked him on facebook and i'm not going to bother anymore. i feel like my friendship with him is completely over. my life with him is over and it took me a minute.. but i'm finally breaking down about it. i wish i didn't feel like this, but i knew it would catch up with me eventually.
i have to go through this hurt and pain to get through this. i have to fucking just suck it up, and let it go. there are millions of people in the world.. why do i want him so fucking bad?
whatever.
ANYWAY
working 10-8 today.. which totally sucks. and i'm working a lot tomorrow and the next day! wtf
i have a george porter jr show tomorrow night, which is fucking AWESOME andddd i'm sooo excited! i love it! i can't waittt.
and great.. matt texted me asking what time the show was. if he shows up, idk what i'm going to do or how i'm going to act, because i know he'll be trying to talk to gary and nalani.
i had a talk to gary the other night at o briens during a show, and he was like "i knew you weren't happy before.. and look at you now!" and yeah.. i can definitely say i am happy.. but FUCK ugh.
have you ever been with someone that you just enjoyed being around. you don't have to talk or touch, but the fact that they are present makes you happy? idk what matt and i have.. but it's something. it's something that i've never truely found with anyone else. taylor and adam were different.. it was long distance and a few times seeing each other.. yeah it lasted years but matt and i litterally spent 24/7 together and when he was in jail, we constantly talked on the phone
idk
i just have to forget. i just have to be strong like i have been and put it in the back of my mind. i just wish i really didn't care.