life is a rollercoaster that just won't let me off
so my last post was how life was so great.... well now... its not.... he's leaving... and I'm still here... ah... i think I'm okay now... if you would have asked me a week and a half ago... I would have said I was going to die... I adore him... but he needs to be away from me... I'm crazy.. I know I am... I've been crazy for a long time... I'm an emotional rollercoaster... so you may ask... what happend?? well I was working a lot... and he seemed very distant... so on my day off I kinda yelled at him... and it ended in him saying well maybe you should put the notice in that we're leaving the apartment.... yeah and me crying... so I left to my moms and he went to work... he came home... and tells me that he doesn't know if he loves me... he needs to get away from me... to know if he really wants to be with me or not.... well... I've been depressed... and amy's been super supportive... he's still here at the apartment but he's been slowly taking his stuff... and thought I'm not as sad as I was I guess I'm still wishing he would stay... but he's leaving... and as of late its felt as if he really doesn't want to go... I'm letting him go... cause I don't wanna hurt anymore... I can't say that I've fully let go... cause he's still the one I'm dying to talk to.... and he's the one I dying to hold... but he needs time and space... I know that I'm an idiot for fucking him... but I need him he's like a drug.... but as for everything else... he's gone... I've met two guys.. I don't really like either one... but they occupy some time so I can stop thinking about him so much.... but at the same time I feel guilty.... for not fully waiting for him.... like I want to wait for him but I feel if I do and he doesn't come back it will be like feeling the pain twice.... so I'll let these guys occupy some space in my mind so I don't cry.... so thats whats going on... it feels as soon as I'm sure of something... the world is like "fuck you ruby... thats not how it is ... youre fuckin wrong".... because I felt so sure of us this time... I felt as if this was it... I was fucking done... done with all the bullshit and all the drama... we were good... I know I'm crazy... I just thought he could love me past that... but I guess its too much to deal with... ya know... so here I go again on my own... waiting for him... waiting for a perfect world where we grow old together... so now... I'm here.. I'm done being a slut though... I'm done making out with guys to ease the pain... so I'm gonna meet people and thats where it will end... and I guess I'm gonna just wait... but eventually... everything will be okay... I know...but not really... I'm making no sense... yeah... I'm a mess... haha I'll be okay guys... don't trip.... I'm just a mess