I don't believe that I'm getting any better....

[unexpresedwords]

okay... well... for those of you who actually still give a flying fuck or are bored enough to read my shit... you may have noticed I haven't updated in a cold minute... the truth is that my life is more fucked up than ever.... and looking back on all the times that I felt like I was drowning... fuck that wasn't anything... well a lil over a month ago my mom kicked me out... we had an argument... and like always she had to have the last word... and the last word was get out.... and ever since then I've been staying with my grandma... I have no life outside of work... I don't go anywhere because I'm not allowed to... I seriously have no social life... I recieve no fone calls cept from amber... she seems to be the only person that really truely gives a fuck about me... and has to call to make sure I haven't killed myself... umm at my grandma's it cool.. cept for the fact that my grandma like to talk shit... but most of the time she's cool... thank God.. I don't think I could handle her being a bitch to me all the time... I still have no car... the most awesome thing in my life is my brother... he's been so good to me... taking me to work and making sure I don't die of bordem... well as for gene... I still have not seen him or talked to him... yeah... I hate thinking about it cause it hurts so bad... a few weeks ago I seen his dad driving while victor was taking me home from work... fuck even just seeing his dad made me depressed... any real reminder of him drives me to tears... yeah... whatever... like I told my beautiful cousin michelle I've fucked myself over so good this time I don't think I'll ever recover.... I hate to whine but honestly I can't ever vent... even though amber is my best friend she is all I have in this world... but she also happens to be gene's friend so I can't tell her how i feel... I would not feel better by puting her in the middle of my emotions... gad I wish I hadn't gone against my better judgement and my morals... gad I wish I were dead... sometimes it hurts to breathe.... well anyways.... this will probably be the last entry for a while....

<3
Ruby