Fic, Fujicest, "Letting Go" for 30_lemons

[unexpectedtimes]

This is the fic that officially stopped me from sleeping. Twice now I've pulled all-nighters for it that have stretched so far that they've become all-morningers and all-afternooners as well. Hardcore, I know. (But my eyes are sort of failing me right now, which is not so funny :o)

Anyway, I initially had a lot of problems with getting this started, because I kept trying for the same atmosphere as its first part, 1001 Tokyo Lights, and eventually I realised that it was impossible to do that with a fic like this, so I scrapped it all and decided to start with Shuusuke's point of view instead of Yuuta's. Who ever knew that Fuji Shuusuke was more agreeable than Fuji Yuuta? XD

Since this part is quite a lot different, I hope it's not disappointing. ^^; At the very least, I suppose, it's almost twice as long...!



22. Bottoms Up, or, "Surprise! Guess Who's on Top Tonight?"

Shuusuke wished, with everything he had, every fragment of himself focused on the lights outside, that Yuuta snored. He wished that Yuuta snored, or that Yuuta sprawled out and hogged the bed, or that Yuuta kicked or mumbled in his sleep, or even all of these - maybe especially all of these. Because if Yuuta had been doing all these things, he wouldn't be feeling as if he was dissolving inside as he padded softly from his bed to the living room, curling up on the sofa without even bothering to find extra pillows, a blanket, or even just a top half to stop himself from waking up in just a pair of boxer shorts on his sofa on a Saturday morning. He'd fall asleep eventually - he had to - and that's what would happen: he'd wake up barely dressed, bleary-eyed, on his own sofa, with the ice-cold dread of having to face what he'd done the night before.

He wished Yuuta snored. When he inevitably woke up and found himself abandoned in an unfamiliar bed, it would be so much better for him to hear that Shuusuke was too used to sleeping alone, too accustomed to having perfect silence, than for him to be told that Shuusuke couldn't bear to fall asleep next to him.

He'd tried. He'd lain there for an hour, or maybe it had been two, he didn't know, as time seemed to have expanded and contracted like the genesis of the universe again and again; but he had lain there a long time, eyes closed, eyes open, trying to overdose on Yuuta's sleeping form; eyes fluttering halfway between sleep and the lazy blues of the room in vain. But he just couldn't fall asleep, couldn't commit himself to finding peace lying next to his brother. A tight panic had begun gradually to descend all around him, ribbons binding his arms to his sides and closing his lungs and tying off his throat, and he'd just had to get out and away, before he screamed and self-destructed.

He couldn't fall asleep here either, though. The view of night-time Tokyo was just the same from this window, the atmosphere was just the same, everything was still the same, apart from his no longer having to watch his little brother breathe softly in and out through the night. Nothing had changed by coming out to the living room; just, maybe, he had thought that he could pretend that nothing had changed, if he were on his own. Maybe he could pretend that Yuuta had never come, that Yuuta hadn't managed to seep through his walls and his skin, that he had not been washed away in a moment of weakness.

No amount of pretending was ever going to work, though. He knew this, he knew it, and yet, he knew that he couldn't face facing up to it, either. He didn't want to see Yuuta in the morning. He didn't want to see his smiling face, didn't want to have to watch that smile be blown away out into the city skies as he saw that his beloved elder brother was going to be just as cold with him now as he had been last night. Yuuta was going to be crushed, but Shuusuke knew - this, he knew - that being crushed was better than suffocating slowly and painfully in a relationship that could never work. He should have been more careful, should never have allowed Yuuta in to talk to him. There was a side of himself that would obtain what he wanted at the expense of all else, and the lock of brotherly protection was so fragile as to be all but useless, when Yuuta was next to him, talking to him, asking him to love him with eyes that betrayed that he didn't know what he was asking for. Shuusuke wanted to brand Yuuta as his, wanted to mark him and possess him and keep him safe from everyone else, wanted to love him, but these feelings were dangerous, and reason enough to keep himself as far away from Yuuta as possible, because if they stayed, if Yuuta stayed, Shuusuke didn't know if he could ever let him go.

If he could just jump and fall, he would. If he could just grab Yuuta's hand and jump down into utopia, he would do it. But it was impossible, wasn't it? Yuuta believed in it, but what would happen to him if his big brother wasn't there to stop him from jumping? If they were both foolish, they'd both end up crippled and broken; although it was kind of ironic, really, because that was how Shuusuke felt right now, except that his limbs were whole and he was stuck in place instead of falling. Maybe that was worse, to be static and making a mistake than to be fluid and still ruining things. If it was worse, though, then he would happily bear it, to prevent Yuuta from wandering off the cliff after following a broken-off signpost. It was too late, wasn't it, for just one night of their lives to be resurrected? Yuuta had managed for seven years without it; he could manage another seven, and then another seven after that. Shuusuke didn't think that they could manage seven together. Too much was in the way, and when Yuuta realised, it would break both of their hearts, and the breaking of Yuuta's heart was the one thing Shuusuke would not allow. If he had to be mean, if he had to be cruel, if he had to say things he didn't mean, in order to keep Yuuta away, then so be it.

A small part of him knew that he was scared, of course - scared of allowing a life he had settled into over the course of seven years to change; scared of allowing both himself and Yuuta to get hurt; scared of even how he was supposed to act if they really were to become more than brothers; scared of losing the last family member he had who genuinely held affection for him - but the idea of challenging his fears seemed trivial in the face of considering Yuuta's future well-being. It didn't matter one bit whether Shuusuke was scared of anything or not, if his base consideration was that Yuuta would come out the other end damaged, were they to forge a relationship built on futility.

Sleep never came easy when one's thoughts too were uneasy. Shuusuke's dreams were filled with sensations of falling, and waves crashing against cliffs, smashing Yuuta against them again and again until only his old St Rudolph jersey remained atop the waters - but waking was just as uneasy, as Yuuta was watching him, sitting on the very table Shuusuke himself had sat on the night before.

He wasn't ready for this. He hadn't considered that Yuuta would wake before him, that Yuuta would have questions to ask of him, questions that he had not had time to prepare answers for. This was wrong, it was all wrong, but Yuuta had seen him open his eyes, there was no blanket to retreat under, and he would have to submit Yuuta to the worst his unprepared self had to offer in the way of rebuffs and dissuasions.

"You could have just kicked me if I snored, you know," Yuuta said, smiling at him with the smile of someone who was glowing inside after a shift in their world. "I respond well to kicking."

"You don't snore," Shuusuke replied immediately, then wanting to kick himself for not giving himself enough time to think.

Yuuta looked momentarily puzzled. "I didn't think I did, really, but... why are you... why did you sleep on the couch? Your bed's amazing, I'd've thought you'd need to be paid to leave it..."

"I just couldn't sleep, that's all." Why could he tell neither lies nor truth? Shuusuke was condemning them both to conversational limbo.

"... Why not?" Yuuta's smile was fading, and Shuusuke was forced to steel himself against the despair being awoken in him. It was, after all, his job to make Yuuta frown, wasn't it? But that wasn't right; it wasn't right at all.

"I..." Shuusuke closed his eyes and then sat up as straight as he could manage while he was sinking into the sofa cushions. "I didn't want to go to sleep with you."

"Why... not?"

"Because I don't want to be with you. It doesn't feel right. I can't sleep, I don't feel comfortable around you, I don't want you here."

"But you were happy to have sex with me last night."

"I was lonely."

"Oh, come on..." The grey of Yuuta's eyes intensified. "You don't get something that passionate from loneliness alone. I... I know that you love me, so why are you saying these things? Why weren't you there when I woke up? Why isn't any of this at all how I'd imagined it would go? I thought you cared about me!"

"Well, maybe you were wrong."

Yuuta threw himself up and then looked for a moment as if he was going to sit right back down, before shakily standing his ground. "For God's sake! Stop playing these... these games with me, and tell me what it is that's actually wrong, because if you think I'm going to give up on this just because you want me to, then you're wrong! You're wrong. So you may as well be straight with me, because you'll never get rid of me otherwise!" The words were strong, but Yuuta looked anything but.

"I'm not playing any games, Yuuta."

"What! Of course you are! It's what you do, aniki! I'd just... I'd like to believe that the ones you're playing are with my head, not with our... with what it is we have."

"And if I tell you that I have been playing games by sleeping with you?"

"Then..." Yuuta took a deep breath. "Then I would have to call you a liar, because that's what you'd be. Please don't make me have to call you that. You're still supposed to be setting me a good example, you know?" The humour he was trying to inject fell painfully flat on both of them.

"A good example would be not taking advantage of you, so I won't do that from now on. Is that good enough for you?"

"Aniki..." Yuuta's tone was halfway between pleading and exasperation. "It... it doesn't work that way! It's never worked that way. I just want you to love me... and... that shouldn't be too hard, should it? Why are you so scared?"

"Scared?" For someone who was feeling first and thinking second, Yuuta was getting remarkably close to the crux of Shuusuke's reluctance. "What makes you think I'm scared?"

"Because you're not denying it. You're answering with questions, all the time, and that means you're scared." Yuuta looked as if it was paining him to be talking to his brother like this. "I don't know quite what it is that you're scared of, but it's probably something to do with me, since it always is with you; you're stupid like that." He'd tried to sound affectionate, but it came out as sullen.

Why wasn't Yuuta giving up? Why couldn't he just understand? Or, well, not understand, because that would mean he'd try to work things out when they just couldn't be solved, but, then, why couldn't he just understand that Shuusuke wasn't going to let him ruin his life? Was everything like tennis to Yuuta, where hard training and perseverance could take you to the top of the world?

"Yes, I'm stupid like this." Shuusuke decided to take the conversation in a different direction; talking of his fears was likely to be clumsy, and definitely undesirable. "You say that this isn't going the way you'd imagined: what had you imagined?"

Sitting back down again, Yuuta looked pensive. "You'd be, well, acting like my brother, for one thing. Or, well, not quite like my brother, because we'd be... we're... well, what I mean is that you'd be acting like yourself! You'd be surprising me and kissing me and making me grumble at you, and we'd, er, hardly be able to keep our hands off each other, you know? That's how I thought it would be."

Yuuta had been right; Shuusuke was scared, but now of something entirely new.

"When was the last time I was like that with you, Yuuta?" he said, almost to himself.

"Seven... years ago..."

"Seven years..." Shuusuke's lips tried to mouth this back to Yuuta, but no sound came out. Everything about him felt dry now, as if he had drunk nothing for those seven years and had only just realised.

"Aniki..." Yuuta's face was stricken with a collection of things Shuusuke could only begin to guess at as his mind became stuck on processing what he had only partially touched on before. The decision to begin treating Yuuta entirely platonically had been completely intentional and calculated, of course, after he'd first realised what a mistake sleeping with him back when he had just been about to leave for university had been, but it had grown into something else, now. It had become him, shaped his feelings and who he was, and suddenly he was aware that he had not been in as much control of it as he had once believed. He hadn't stopped feeling for Yuuta, but he had fallen entirely out of touch with who he and they had been, back when everything had been safe and everything he'd said and done could have been brushed off as merely teasing. Fuji Shuusuke had always been a tease, after all. But was that part of him gone, now? Could he still feel it, somewhere, merely tucked away behind the walls in his chest that held everything away? He didn't know, anymore.

"Aniki... I should... I should have realised earlier."

"Realised what?" Shuusuke knew, however, that he was saying this obviously for show; the hollowness of his voice filled in all that was missing from his face.

"That you... that you, well, stopped living, after we..."

"That's nonsense, Yuuta. I'm still here, I have a job, I have friends... you're being overly-dramatic."

"No!" Yuuta's hand slammed itself down onto the table top of its own accord. "No. You're not the same, you've changed, and it's not a good kind of change. It's like you've... it's like you've stoppered everything up that you feel, and it's poisoning you, and you're so used to it that you're enjoying it now, and aniki, you need to stop doing this!"

"Maa, getting metaphorical now? If I let it out, it will poison you too, Yuuta. And I won't let that happen. Like I said last night, I will ruin your life."

"Is that a promise? You know, for someone trying to be so selfless for family, you're really fucking selfish!" Yuuta's demeanour had suddenly shifted to righteous aggression; Shuusuke had evidently pushed him over the edge this time. "Let go of me, let me choose my own future, let me decide if being with you is going to fuck up my life! How can you possibly have the right to decide this for me when you've fucked up pretty royally with your own!"

"Yuuta, that's enough."

"No, it's not! You're... I can't let you live like this anymore! It's my fault, aniki, it's my fault, and if you think I'm going to be able to walk away, knowing that you'll be stuck here like this, then..."

Shuusuke sighed impatiently, although it was entirely fake. "You're not going to be able to make everything better just by waving a magic wand, however nice that wand may be."

"But look, see? Already you're starting to say things like that!" Yuuta looked like he was halfway between laughing and crying. "If you just... if you just let me be with you, then, maybe, things will change. I'm not - I'm not saying it'll be instant, or anything stupid like that, but aniki, we could be happy! What is there not to get?"

"Evidently a whole catalogue of things that you haven't looked at yet," Shuusuke said, not sure whether he meant his humour to be dry or just cruel.

"That's not fair, aniki. You think I haven't thought about what this would mean? Of course I have! I'm just not as..."

"Concerned for your own well-being as I am?"

It was Yuuta's turn to sigh impatiently now. "No, I'm just not as scared of it as you are. Or maybe I want it more than you. I don't know. Which is it? Because if you really don't love me as much as I love you, then you can just tell me, and I'll leave. But, I'll know if you're lying."

"Of course I love you as much as you love me. Maybe more. You have no idea. But..."

"But nothing, aniki. You said, last night, that you'd keep loving me for as long as I wanted you to, and what I want is -"

"No," Shuusuke interrupted. "No. I asked you last night not to make any promises you won't be able to keep, so don't make any."

Yuuta swung his leg out and kicked the front of the sofa as if he were hoping it would burst. "Stop it! Stop being so... stop being so bloody selfish and single-minded! It's not normal! You're supposed to be selfish for yourself, if you're going to do it at all! What is it you want, aniki? What is it? Because I cannot believe that it's a life on your own without me. And, you're making me say all these things, and that's selfish of you too, because it's weird, talking about myself like this, and it's weird talking about you like this, and I really can't see what your problem is with letting yourself have what you want!"

"I don't think you could handle what it is that I want."

"Oh yeah?" Yuuta was looking a little unsure now, though. "Try me."

Shuusuke appraised him for a moment. "I want you. I want you to be mine." He leaned over and trailed his fingers down Yuuta's cheek, cupping his chin, Yuuta's face beginning to get warm. "I want you to be mine so badly that I wouldn't think twice about chaining you up in my bedroom so you'd never get away. I'd settle only for sometimes, of course, but it's forever I'd really want. You'd look beautiful locked up. Don't you think?"

Yuuta hadn't been sure of whether his brother was playing more mind games or if he really was serious, until Shuusuke kissed him. He knew, then, that his brother hadn't even begun to touch on the depths of his sincerity, hadn't even begun to convey to Yuuta the strength of his need to possess him completely.

"Aniki..."

"You see, Yuuta? Giving me what I want isn't so easy, is it? Once I have it, I'll never be able to let it go..."

"Then don't," Yuuta said. "Don't. It's... it's okay with me, if you feel that way. I hadn't ever imagined that... well, that you'd want me like this" - he was blushing now - "but I think I can deal with being locked up sometimes. Metaphorically. Although there are a few things we could try out..."

Shuusuke was, for once, at a loss for words. He'd been as outrageous and dangerous as possible, whether out of a desire to be definitely rejected or merely to shock he wasn't quite sure, but for Yuuta to be apparently unfazed...? He was blushing more than he'd seen him do for a very long time, but other than that, he seemed calm, when Shuusuke had been painfully sure he wouldn't be.

"I don't quite understand it, I don't think, but... really, anything you want is... fine, with me. It's fine. Nothing you can do or feel will frighten me away, it's too late for that - we've had a lifetime of being together and I'm used to you. So if you think I'll leave because you love me too much, then you're wrong." Yuuta laughed sheepishly. "Heh, I don't think I've ever told you you're wrong so much in one morning. How's it feel?"

"It feels... good," Shuusuke said. "Positively euphoric."

"Hey hey, I'm supposed to touch you first, before you start saying things like that!"

"What can I say? I've decided to run off with your voice - it's better with its hands than you are with yours."

Yuuta laughed quietly, and Shuusuke looked straight at him then. Yuuta was grinning at him, looking pleased, and so he smiled slowly back. Yuuta didn't realise that the smile was more predatory and less innocently happy until Shuusuke had wrapped his arms around him and consumed him in a kiss so infused with passion that Yuuta could only moan and make futile efforts to kiss him back until he pulled away.

"Would you like to feel euphoric too, Yuuta?" Shuusuke smirked indulgently and stood back up, enjoying the look in Yuuta's eyes as he took in every inch of Shuusuke's body, unable to do anything but stare, until he pulled his gaze away and said:

"So we're... good? You're going to do this? I managed to break you down enough?" He sounded an amusing mixture of horny and incredulous.

"I don't know about 'breaking me down', but... yes. I suppose I need to learn to let go of you a little bit, so that chaining you up is even sweeter." Shuusuke was smiling as he said it, but Yuuta felt something funny happen to his stomach even so, and the feeling multiplied and flipped as his brother offered him his hand, pulling him up from his seat, and started leading him back to the bedroom where, really, they should have been from the very beginning.

"If you're happy with living here," Shuusuke said, as he led Yuuta through and shut the door, "then we can move your things here tomorrow, if you'd like."

"Why not today?" Yuuta said, gesturing towards the window. "We have all day, since it's only" - he glanced at the clock - "seven thirty, since your stupid window doesn't have any blinds and it woke me up. We need to buy some blinds, okay?"

Shuusuke nodded absently. "Okay to the blinds. I never bought any because I liked being woken up by the sun, but I think I'll be enjoying staying up late from now on..." He grinned in such a way that made Yuuta start to wonder if he was going to be getting more than he'd bargained for, but that made Yuuta grin too.

"And not today," Shuusuke continued, "because you won't be needing your clothes until tomorrow."

"Oh," Yuuta said. "Okay." He tried to sound nonchalant, but both of them knew that all that was keeping him away from exclamation marks was a need to preserve some sort of personal pride before it was all stripped away along with his clothes, on the bed.

"Are you still sure, though? I know it's stupid of me to ask again, but I just... wanted to make sure, before we do all this again."

Shuusuke closed the gap between them, placing his hands on Yuuta's hips gently. "I'm still sure," he said, quietly, affectionately, looking Yuuta straight in the eye. "Things will be difficult, I'm sure, but I shall try. I'm never going to stop wanting you, you know..." As he said this, he slipped one of his hands beneath the waistband of Yuuta's sweatpants (a pair that was slightly too short for him, and must thus have been raided from Shuusuke's wardrobe) and teasingly started to stroke his thigh, removing his hand and sauntering over to the bed when Yuuta began to indicate that his hand would be appreciated elsewhere.

"Mmn, before any of that, I want to find out about you, Yuuta."

Yuuta looked at him quizzically as he joined him on the bed. "What do you want to know? Don't you already know everything...?"

"There are still some things I'm sadly lacking..." Shuusuke said lasciviously, moving to straddle Yuuta's hips and teasing at his clothing again. "I want to find out everything that makes you feel good - everything that makes you sigh and moan and beg me for more. I can't stand not knowing, you see. I need it all... so I'm going to have to touch every last inch of you until I've memorised it. Do you think you can last that long?"

"... Yes," Yuuta said, and then had to clear his throat and repeat himself, as his first attempt had been a failure.

"All I need you to do is let me know when something feels good," Shuusuke purred, easing Yuuta's sweatpants down over his thighs. "And then, once I'm happy, you can fuck me. Sound good?"

"... Yes," Yuuta said, the same thing happening to his voice as last time. Was his brother really happy to give away control like that? Was he really happy to let himself depend on Yuuta like this? It sounded it, but the flippant way he'd said it...

"Now just spread your legs and relax," Shuusuke said, running a hand over Yuuta's stomach and making a noise of approval at how his skin felt under his fingers. "Close your eyes, too. I'll be working from the top down, so don't get too excited..."

Doing as instructed, Yuuta settled into a comfortable position on the bed, eyes closed, and wondered whether his brother really was going to be as thorough as he'd promised. It would take a while, wouldn't it? Yuuta already knew most, if not all, of the things that pleased him, but aniki would probably hate being helped by one of Yuuta's old boyfriends, wouldn't he, and Yuuta didn't want that. If his brother wanted to lick and stroke every part of him, then he wasn't going to complain... and certainly not when he was running his fingers sensually just above his collarbone and making Yuuta shiver. He voiced his pleasure and was rewarded with both hands stroking, which felt divine. It was definitely good that they weren't taking shortcuts with this. Aniki had tried his fingers and his lips on Yuuta's ears and neck, but they were nothing when compared to this. Or his sides, which were almost ticklish but mostly full of the nerves that made his toes curl.

"Mmn, I already know you like this, but I just can't resist, Yuuta..." Still stroking his sides, Shuusuke leant down and started gently biting at his nipples, alternating between tongue and teeth as Yuuta moaned.

His moans got louder as Shuusuke stroked and licked down the lines between his hips and thighs, hoping for something more but also wanting him never to stop. Everything felt sharper when it was aniki doing it; everything felt more intense and as if he were made of liquid heat inside, and Yuuta was starting to feel desperate to have his brother. He choked as he felt warm breath above him, a promise of what he was wanting fulfilled, but as he felt Shuusuke's hands move down to stroke his inner thighs, he let out a groan of frustration as he realised that aniki was a terrible tease and had no intention of fulfilling anything just now. He even had the audacity to chuckle as he heard Yuuta groan at him.

"Maa maa, you can wait a little longer surely, Yuuuuta?"

Yuuta swore that he could feel the amusement in Shuusuke's voice drip down onto him, it was that laden with it, but it then stopped mattering because what he was doing to his thighs was positively indecent, and all thoughts of anything but being as approving as possible in order to receive more were cleared from his head.

"Aniki...! Oh God, aniki...!"

There was another chuckle, this time right against his skin, and it vibrated, and Yuuta's reaction led to yet another silken laugh, until he didn't think he could take it anymore.

"Fuck, aniki, I need you... right... now..." he managed to gasp out, moaning once more as Shuusuke laughed at him again. He expected his brother to tease him some more, as that was the kind of thing he did, but he surprised him by saying "Mmn, I need you too, Yuuta," in a voice that sounded almost as desperate as Yuuta felt. "I'll... finish the rest of you later..." Aniki was human after all, it seemed.

Yuuta opened his eyes to see him returning from his fumble on the table beside the bed, holding a small tube out to him and saying "Fuck me?" It sounded obscene coming from his brother, and Yuuta could only nod dumbly, overwhelmed by anticipation and the confirmation that aniki really did trust him to make mistakes and mess things up and still have it be okay. The very first time they'd had sex, all those years ago, aniki had been on top just because things had happened that way and, Yuuta thought now, that possession thing had probably been there too. The second time, last night, aniki had also been on top, but Yuuta could tell it had been because he couldn't give up any control to him, a parallel of the rest of their relationship prior to just half an hour ago. If Shuusuke was in charge, then all mistakes were his fault, and Yuuta would never be able to blame himself or feel ashamed, both in life and the bedroom. But he was relinquishing this hold now...?

"Can you sit up...?" Shuusuke asked breathily after Yuuta had very slowly and carefully prepared him while Shuusuke had stroked himself to distract from the discomfort. "I want to..." He didn't finish his sentence, however, as Yuuta had already done as he was asked, and he thought it easier, at this point, to make it entirely clear what he wanted by placing himself in Yuuta's lap and wrapping his legs around his waist, his chuckle returning at the sound Yuuta made as he processed what was happening.

"Aniki, take it slowly, okay?" Yuuta managed to say, before Shuusuke raised his hips and shifted, taking heed and lowering himself very gently onto Yuuta, his face carefully measured but his eyes betraying that it was currently feeling less than desirable. "In fact," Yuuta said, holding his brother's hips steady with his hands, "I'll take it from here... I don't want you to hurt yourself."

Shuusuke nodded, and so, still holding his hips still, Yuuta began to move, very slowly, holding his brother so that he wouldn't lose himself to the heat and move too fast. Shuusuke was stroking himself again and looked very much as if he was fine with how Yuuta was moving in him, so Yuuta started to thrust a little harder and a little deeper, moaning when Shuusuke asked him for it faster. There was too much to look at, too much to feel - watching his brother's hand on himself, watching him swaying in his lap, feeling him all around him - and Yuuta was intoxicated. How had either of them ever been able to wait for this? No one but his brother could ever look like this, all sleek, dangerous grace and slender hips they were both fighting to keep still, although it seemed that aniki wanted to lose that particular fight, as his hand moved faster and faster and Yuuta's hands had to grip more tightly. In fact, they both seemed to be losing the fight, so Yuuta, knowing it would frustrate his brother even more but looking forward to it, halted his thrusting altogether and, holding Shuusuke's hips perfectly, maddeningly still, leaned in and kissed him hungrily. Shuusuke, indeed frustrated at having Yuuta's rhythm taken away from him, tried to take control and dominate the kiss, his desire to consume overtaking that of letting go, but Yuuta was not backing down, and Shuusuke found his moans being lost to the both of them until Yuuta finally pulled away.

Unable even to make some sort of witty remark, Shuusuke just tried to glare disapprovingly, but his heart evidently wasn't in it, as Yuuta was able to ignore it and ask "Are your legs okay?" before they were to continue. And once Shuusuke thought about it, he realised they weren't, really; his inner thighs were starting to feel sore, from gripping and being bumped against Yuuta's hipbones - he just hadn't noticed it until they were still.

"Let go, then," Yuuta said, "and let yourself fall backwards." Guiding him down carefully, Yuuta managed to flip their position so that his brother's legs were hooked over his shoulders and he was above him now, and starting once more to thrust into him. Yuuta found that keeping careful watch of Shuusuke's face was almost an overload on his senses, as the amount of trust afforded to him thus far and right now was worth more to Yuuta than he ever would admit, as they had both been embarrassed enough today through frank declarations of love. But, for a relationship that had, only earlier, seemed as if it might fall apart completely and dissolve into nothingness, the very thing that had been threatening its dissolution had now become its binding, and Yuuta found it easiest to convey his thankfulness through the less and less measured rolling of his hips and the less and less measured moaning of his brother's name, an unstoppable mantra of "aniki aniki aniki".

Shuusuke too, watching Yuuta's face, was realising that letting go had been exactly what he'd needed, for everything. Allowing Yuuta to stay, allowing Yuuta to make his own decisions about them, allowing Yuuta to handle their pleasure... it felt so good to have done this he wanted to scream, as loudly as he could, to let it all out and be empty and new once more. He was lifting his hips to meet Yuuta's own, now that Yuuta was no longer guiding him, and, their pace picking up faster and faster, everything for Shuusuke culminated and came to a peak as the magnitude of everything surrounded him. He could give things up to Yuuta, could allow his more than careful hands rein to make mistakes, and if this was a mistake, then he never wanted to see the masterpiece.

"Yuuta..."

His brother collapsing beneath him, Yuuta found it impossible to hold himself back any longer. Hips bucking uncontrollably, and feeling the shocks of his brother's orgasm run through him, he sucked in so much air he could no longer breathe, and then fell perfectly still until his body folded beneath him and he fell onto Shuusuke, panting and heavy.

They lay like this until Shuusuke summoned enough energy to turn his head and look at the clock. "We could go back to bed," he said, in a lazy, sated voice that made him sound almost - almost - like someone else. "It's only... quarter past... eight..."

"I think that's a... good idea. But you need to get off me... first."

"You're on top of me, Yuuta," Shuusuke said, and then rolled him off, groaning as his limbs then finally gave up on him.

"Blind shopping tomorrow?" Yuuta asked dumbly, all his words now bypassing his brain completely.

"Yes. And moving your things. It would be good if we can do it when no one's at home... I don't want to" - he yawned - "talk to" - again - "anyone... about it... just yet..."

Yuuta had, though, already fallen asleep.

I have one more part planned after this one, to bring the story to an end, and I have a prequel sketched out as well. This story is eating me. :D