what is the point.
Avery is right.
i am to nice. but i do it because i love my friends. i mean no matter what i do.
but my problem is..why is it that ben takes me for granted, i dont know why i get so worked up over him. its casue i care. he was a good friend. and honestly i get addicted..to people that make me happy. and honestly he was one of the few people that could make everything go away,. when i felt so low he was there for me...and when i just needed to be seen he came to my house...cause its only a 16 minute drive..on the freeway...and he came one time just to see my hair cause i dyed it...and he..just made me laugh and i love it cause i dont get to be that happy all the time..and everytime im around him..i dont have to worry and i hate to say this but i have only had that happen one other time. and well..but this time it was different he was my friend and he did it cause he cared about me. and wanted me happy as much as i want him happy..so why is it that now when he is hurting i cant help him..why wont he let me..why does it make me so angry with him that he wont let me help him.
that is an on going fight i battle..is he going to be my friend this week? or is he not. i dont know what to do. do i stay> or do i let it go. i have tryed and once i am so close to it being over with he comes back smiles and all..and i cant help to hope that it will be different this time..and hope that he will stay with me..but no he leaves me..and i hate when people leave me I HATE IT it makes me sick to my stomch....i hate crying because of him...i hate it...except he doesnt know he makes me cry..uh i just i wish he knew how much i love him as a friend...and how it hurts me so bad when we dont talk. and how i feel trying to give him my hand to help him and he wont grab it he just throws dirt at me.
and then i feel so lonely and used. and i hate that i made that choice....and not only did i make a bad choice i made my best friend mad and i feel so disgusting..because it was all because i wanted someone so bad...i want to tell you everything i just cant..cause you are to busy dealing with your own stuff. and thats why i know better then to talk to you....you want me to talk to you but i cant. you even know you are all about yourself. which makes it worse.
you make me feel like you dont listen i just want to know i am being heard and actually listened too..i dont talk much about my issues anymore..because i can handle most of it ..but sometiems i jsut want u to forget ur shit and focuz on me for the moment,be the friend i am to you..back to me......can you be that for me..can u DO that for me?! ...i love you and i hate that..you are to involved in your stupid crushes..and you want to leave and all that...you know i dont say anything because i cant, but you also know i respet your wishes... but i need you to be the on to see that i am hurting without me telling you...
we use to be able to be like that..where i cried to you..now u just cry to me. i dont mind.. not at all i love that u come to me..but this is why i dont tell you this cause i know i do it too..just not as much. not as close togther. for you its an eeryday thing unless your happy with me..in your bed laughing about w.e it is that we are laghing i just want us happy what the hell is it gunna take for us to be happy..i am so sick of us always hruting..and wanting and needing...and lusting and loveing ppl that dont love us back...and careing for ppl who could care less..or dont show it enough...
i am not mad at you i am mad at everyone who has done me wrong..i am so sick of it. i just cant take it..i feel so..empty i forgive people that should never be forgiven...but because my heart is that big and i can do it but sometimes i just want to feel..appreciated by those that should appreciate me...
idk
its too much toask from this fucked up world
and these fucking idiots who dont see that..me and you are good people
and dont deserve to hurt..
i love you erlinda i am sorry if i mad u mad. i dont want to talk about any of this now that i typed it.
when i use livejournal. its probably..bad cause i dont normally vent on this stupid ass thing.
casue thats your deal.
..
:[ u have always been there for me....just keep. trying.
im a mess. that simple. tomorrow will be better. but it always brings new challanges.
the onyl good thing about today is..i can still say...me and brian can laugh together once again.
its a good feeling.
i am to nice. but i do it because i love my friends. i mean no matter what i do.
but my problem is..why is it that ben takes me for granted, i dont know why i get so worked up over him. its casue i care. he was a good friend. and honestly i get addicted..to people that make me happy. and honestly he was one of the few people that could make everything go away,. when i felt so low he was there for me...and when i just needed to be seen he came to my house...cause its only a 16 minute drive..on the freeway...and he came one time just to see my hair cause i dyed it...and he..just made me laugh and i love it cause i dont get to be that happy all the time..and everytime im around him..i dont have to worry and i hate to say this but i have only had that happen one other time. and well..but this time it was different he was my friend and he did it cause he cared about me. and wanted me happy as much as i want him happy..so why is it that now when he is hurting i cant help him..why wont he let me..why does it make me so angry with him that he wont let me help him.
that is an on going fight i battle..is he going to be my friend this week? or is he not. i dont know what to do. do i stay> or do i let it go. i have tryed and once i am so close to it being over with he comes back smiles and all..and i cant help to hope that it will be different this time..and hope that he will stay with me..but no he leaves me..and i hate when people leave me I HATE IT it makes me sick to my stomch....i hate crying because of him...i hate it...except he doesnt know he makes me cry..uh i just i wish he knew how much i love him as a friend...and how it hurts me so bad when we dont talk. and how i feel trying to give him my hand to help him and he wont grab it he just throws dirt at me.
and then i feel so lonely and used. and i hate that i made that choice....and not only did i make a bad choice i made my best friend mad and i feel so disgusting..because it was all because i wanted someone so bad...i want to tell you everything i just cant..cause you are to busy dealing with your own stuff. and thats why i know better then to talk to you....you want me to talk to you but i cant. you even know you are all about yourself. which makes it worse.
you make me feel like you dont listen i just want to know i am being heard and actually listened too..i dont talk much about my issues anymore..because i can handle most of it ..but sometiems i jsut want u to forget ur shit and focuz on me for the moment,be the friend i am to you..back to me......can you be that for me..can u DO that for me?! ...i love you and i hate that..you are to involved in your stupid crushes..and you want to leave and all that...you know i dont say anything because i cant, but you also know i respet your wishes... but i need you to be the on to see that i am hurting without me telling you...
we use to be able to be like that..where i cried to you..now u just cry to me. i dont mind.. not at all i love that u come to me..but this is why i dont tell you this cause i know i do it too..just not as much. not as close togther. for you its an eeryday thing unless your happy with me..in your bed laughing about w.e it is that we are laghing i just want us happy what the hell is it gunna take for us to be happy..i am so sick of us always hruting..and wanting and needing...and lusting and loveing ppl that dont love us back...and careing for ppl who could care less..or dont show it enough...
i am not mad at you i am mad at everyone who has done me wrong..i am so sick of it. i just cant take it..i feel so..empty i forgive people that should never be forgiven...but because my heart is that big and i can do it but sometimes i just want to feel..appreciated by those that should appreciate me...
idk
its too much toask from this fucked up world
and these fucking idiots who dont see that..me and you are good people
and dont deserve to hurt..
i love you erlinda i am sorry if i mad u mad. i dont want to talk about any of this now that i typed it.
when i use livejournal. its probably..bad cause i dont normally vent on this stupid ass thing.
casue thats your deal.
..
:[ u have always been there for me....just keep. trying.
im a mess. that simple. tomorrow will be better. but it always brings new challanges.
the onyl good thing about today is..i can still say...me and brian can laugh together once again.
its a good feeling.