(no subject)
My god. I heard this Coldplay song, "Fix you" on the radio, and even though he was talking to Gwenyth Paltrow after her grandpa died, it just describes my world right now. Every day for me is this song. And of course, when I heard it, I started crying. Somebody understands:
When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above and down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And i…
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And i…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I realized that even though I don't practice any sort of religious rituals, I slightly regard Tim with religious rituals. I think of him almost like a monotheistic entity, where he watches over me and loves me and is there even though he's not physically around me. I can hear him communicating with me through signs and symbols, even though he's not physically around me.
This frightens me beyond belief.
I'm realizing most of my relationships with other people are imagined. And I feel so lonely and lame when the feeling between my so called "good friends" are not reciprocated.
Tim's not here. I'm too busy to get to know anybody else. I'm too boring for anybody else to get to know me.
Therefore, I am alone.
I want to go to the beach again before my new quarter starts. I want to stand in the middle of the ocean and melt away in the water's caress and just forget. I want to dissolve like salt in the ocean and travel the world and feel the fluidity of my being carry me in peace.
I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of feeling scorn at myself from every possible stage of myself. I look at baby pictures and I feel regret. I reflect on elementary school and feel even more contempt for myself. Why was I so dumb and naive? Why am I still dumb and naive?
I've been crying every day (or more) recently. I think it's because I don't have a shoulder to cry on. I've had people to whine to and complain to or just simply start to describe my emotions. But the moment my voice cracks I know it's futal to carry on. I change the subject. The listener is uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable. And I can't make anybody uncomfortable. Nobody likes me enough so that they can tolerate that.
I mean, I don't know how to stop being sad. I don't know how to be truly proud of somebody else without scorning myself. I hate myself, yet I'm my only true friend. But I've messed up so much.
I can tell you right now the meaning of life is not to be perfect or try to be so. That's the instant path to being unhappy, where you're in constant fear of being beyond the molding set for you.
But living the way I do, where work is converted into not acknowledgement or credentials but wasted time, and goals are turned into failure and reassessing, it's really hard to carry on with hope.
Huong had a good point when I visited her last night. She said that I gain more by failing. She's right. All the classes I got A's in, I don't remember a damn thing from. But all the classes I got below an A, I remember something.
So then why do we thrive in a system where we're rewarded for naturally passing something that it doesn't matter to us enough to remember it after a quarter?
Today I went to Najm's graduation party. My parents dragged me, I wasn't really excited about going. And even though there were all familiar faces, I didn't see very many friends. Trisha and Parama, tops. Parama left early, and Trisha had too many friends there to really get to talk to me. And of course, it was really awkward on the dance floor. I just wanted to dance, regardless of if anybody wanted to dance with me or not. And I ended up dancing with everybody's back to me. That, and I got knocked over twice by some dude who wanted to dance with Trisha. So, um, it was just awkward.
Where I really started to get teary was during the speeches for Najm. The speeches were really funny and entertaining. But more so, I was amazed at how much support and friends Najm had. His parents truly seemed to support him and never tried to deter him from his goals over stupid little things (okay, Najm is allowed to have many female friends. Why, oh why, is the case so completely different for me??)
I started to visualize if I could ever have a party where people said nice things about me and celebrate a birthday or a graduation. The last time there was a major party dedicated to me was when I was 12 years old, and I ended up crying, because my mom invited who SHE thought were my friends, but they ended up locking me in my bedroom and laughing. Yes, laughing. I have such different friends, that I can't imagine them all at the same party getting along. I lead so many different mini lives, and I have a different personality for each one of those mini-lives. With the bangoli people, I'm sweet and smily, but that's different from, say, my relationship with someone like Jayna.
Nobody knows me enough to be able to celebrate any of my achievements or birthday, because half of them don't know what they are, and the other half don't know what they mean to me. That, and I still haven't come out of my shell with a lot of people. I still am not at that level of comfort where I can introduce myself to anyone and be myself without being shy, quiet and awkward. But I know I have a really good personality, why is that not enough to make me comfortable?
I think I'll start having my own parties with myself. I mean, why not; right now if I want to do something I have to do it myself. I hardly have friends who want to do stuff with me. I'll sit down at my own party. I'll have a cake. I'll say a few nice words about me. Throw some streamers, blow one of those roll-out horns (what are those called?) and maybe even sing a song.
I don't know what my motivation is anymore. It used to be for myself, but I've abused myself, scorned myself and pitied myself so much that I don't even know what I want anymore. I think if I was actually doing something for myself, I wouldn't be pushing myself with this godawful Neurobiology major; I'd be nurturing my actual talents instead of imposing myself with work I'm just not capable of doing.
It may be for my parents or for what other people think. But I mean, why the hell should that motivate me? These people reject me whether or not I do well or not.
It's certainly not for my friends because I have very few of them to influence me.
It's no wonder I'm stuck in this rut. I'm just working hard for no reason, and crying at the end of the day because I'm not enough. Enough what? Just not enough, that's all.
When I taste tears at the end of every day, I think my actually destiny is being realized: to be one with the sea. I mean, I just need peace, which I can only give myself. And I don't know how to help myself.
I'm so stupid. I'm so horrible, ugly, fat, and did I really need that brownie for lunch? That's my own fault. It's my fault that I'm going to a community college. If I get judged, I deserve it, every last eyebrow raise and lip press. I'm so lazy. It's no wonder I leave for school at 6 and get home at 10 pm and still achieve nothing. I waste my days. I'm wasting my life.
You know why I make these posts public? Because I seriously want to find somebody who cares about me enough to read these and try to help me. I seriously need help. This is not frivolous. I need a friend. I go online looking for a friend, but I find none. I'm begging for help and I'm not getting any.
When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above and down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And i…
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And i…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I realized that even though I don't practice any sort of religious rituals, I slightly regard Tim with religious rituals. I think of him almost like a monotheistic entity, where he watches over me and loves me and is there even though he's not physically around me. I can hear him communicating with me through signs and symbols, even though he's not physically around me.
This frightens me beyond belief.
I'm realizing most of my relationships with other people are imagined. And I feel so lonely and lame when the feeling between my so called "good friends" are not reciprocated.
Tim's not here. I'm too busy to get to know anybody else. I'm too boring for anybody else to get to know me.
Therefore, I am alone.
I want to go to the beach again before my new quarter starts. I want to stand in the middle of the ocean and melt away in the water's caress and just forget. I want to dissolve like salt in the ocean and travel the world and feel the fluidity of my being carry me in peace.
I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of feeling scorn at myself from every possible stage of myself. I look at baby pictures and I feel regret. I reflect on elementary school and feel even more contempt for myself. Why was I so dumb and naive? Why am I still dumb and naive?
I've been crying every day (or more) recently. I think it's because I don't have a shoulder to cry on. I've had people to whine to and complain to or just simply start to describe my emotions. But the moment my voice cracks I know it's futal to carry on. I change the subject. The listener is uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable. And I can't make anybody uncomfortable. Nobody likes me enough so that they can tolerate that.
I mean, I don't know how to stop being sad. I don't know how to be truly proud of somebody else without scorning myself. I hate myself, yet I'm my only true friend. But I've messed up so much.
I can tell you right now the meaning of life is not to be perfect or try to be so. That's the instant path to being unhappy, where you're in constant fear of being beyond the molding set for you.
But living the way I do, where work is converted into not acknowledgement or credentials but wasted time, and goals are turned into failure and reassessing, it's really hard to carry on with hope.
Huong had a good point when I visited her last night. She said that I gain more by failing. She's right. All the classes I got A's in, I don't remember a damn thing from. But all the classes I got below an A, I remember something.
So then why do we thrive in a system where we're rewarded for naturally passing something that it doesn't matter to us enough to remember it after a quarter?
Today I went to Najm's graduation party. My parents dragged me, I wasn't really excited about going. And even though there were all familiar faces, I didn't see very many friends. Trisha and Parama, tops. Parama left early, and Trisha had too many friends there to really get to talk to me. And of course, it was really awkward on the dance floor. I just wanted to dance, regardless of if anybody wanted to dance with me or not. And I ended up dancing with everybody's back to me. That, and I got knocked over twice by some dude who wanted to dance with Trisha. So, um, it was just awkward.
Where I really started to get teary was during the speeches for Najm. The speeches were really funny and entertaining. But more so, I was amazed at how much support and friends Najm had. His parents truly seemed to support him and never tried to deter him from his goals over stupid little things (okay, Najm is allowed to have many female friends. Why, oh why, is the case so completely different for me??)
I started to visualize if I could ever have a party where people said nice things about me and celebrate a birthday or a graduation. The last time there was a major party dedicated to me was when I was 12 years old, and I ended up crying, because my mom invited who SHE thought were my friends, but they ended up locking me in my bedroom and laughing. Yes, laughing. I have such different friends, that I can't imagine them all at the same party getting along. I lead so many different mini lives, and I have a different personality for each one of those mini-lives. With the bangoli people, I'm sweet and smily, but that's different from, say, my relationship with someone like Jayna.
Nobody knows me enough to be able to celebrate any of my achievements or birthday, because half of them don't know what they are, and the other half don't know what they mean to me. That, and I still haven't come out of my shell with a lot of people. I still am not at that level of comfort where I can introduce myself to anyone and be myself without being shy, quiet and awkward. But I know I have a really good personality, why is that not enough to make me comfortable?
I think I'll start having my own parties with myself. I mean, why not; right now if I want to do something I have to do it myself. I hardly have friends who want to do stuff with me. I'll sit down at my own party. I'll have a cake. I'll say a few nice words about me. Throw some streamers, blow one of those roll-out horns (what are those called?) and maybe even sing a song.
I don't know what my motivation is anymore. It used to be for myself, but I've abused myself, scorned myself and pitied myself so much that I don't even know what I want anymore. I think if I was actually doing something for myself, I wouldn't be pushing myself with this godawful Neurobiology major; I'd be nurturing my actual talents instead of imposing myself with work I'm just not capable of doing.
It may be for my parents or for what other people think. But I mean, why the hell should that motivate me? These people reject me whether or not I do well or not.
It's certainly not for my friends because I have very few of them to influence me.
It's no wonder I'm stuck in this rut. I'm just working hard for no reason, and crying at the end of the day because I'm not enough. Enough what? Just not enough, that's all.
When I taste tears at the end of every day, I think my actually destiny is being realized: to be one with the sea. I mean, I just need peace, which I can only give myself. And I don't know how to help myself.
I'm so stupid. I'm so horrible, ugly, fat, and did I really need that brownie for lunch? That's my own fault. It's my fault that I'm going to a community college. If I get judged, I deserve it, every last eyebrow raise and lip press. I'm so lazy. It's no wonder I leave for school at 6 and get home at 10 pm and still achieve nothing. I waste my days. I'm wasting my life.
You know why I make these posts public? Because I seriously want to find somebody who cares about me enough to read these and try to help me. I seriously need help. This is not frivolous. I need a friend. I go online looking for a friend, but I find none. I'm begging for help and I'm not getting any.